I want to be an alcoholic.

13 Feb

You heard that right, I still have goals. Why? First of all, having an addiction gives you something to do with your time. Plus, it gives you a solid excuse that everyone you know can blame things on. Nobody asks you any more loaded questions like “So, are you dating anyone now?” Or, “You’re still working there?” Because one, they feel bad for you, what with your life savagely hijacked by “the drugs” or “the booze”. Anything productive you still do is, “Hey, good for you.” And two, they really don’t want a window into your hellish life.

Well, here’s a window: You get to drink your balls off and have an awesome time until you hit “rock bottom”, a supposedly horrible place where you steal money, alienate friends, blow a goat for cash (admittedly, not as pleasant as the first two), what have you. None of which matters after you then go a treatment facility in Florida for a month (there’s even a kosher one) and follow up with AA meetings to work off your terrible disease. Where you make life-long non-judgmental friends, and have a whole network of AA’s to go to across the country with free coffee and meetings. Thus providing you with more fun stuff to do with your time for as long as you want. Forever, if you want.

I must be missing a step here, right?

I’d even just take the last part. Just show up, “Hey, I’m Itchie, and I’m *cough* not *cough* an alcoholic. Now support me more than real-life friends ever would. Oh, I blew a goat, and accept a higher power now. And pass the cookies.

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6 Responses to “I want to be an alcoholic.”

  1. El Guapo February 13, 2012 at 11:39 am #

    Well, can;t be all bad if there are cookies involved…

  2. Dan February 13, 2012 at 12:36 pm #

    I’m all in.

    • em February 13, 2012 at 5:34 pm #

      I’d recommend taking up karate or teaching night ESL classes or basically anything with a community that doesn’t exclusively self-select for broke, depressive alcoholics. Sounds hella boring.

  3. Brian Westbye February 13, 2012 at 8:10 pm #

    Oh yeah, meeting coffee is spectacular. That’s why I’m in!

  4. Guicuoumn September 3, 2012 at 5:39 pm #

    http://markmarquees.biz/JeremyRenner/jeremy-renner-shirtless A little nip here, a little tuck there, a bit off the nose, a tug on the face – and before you know it, something goes horribly, horribly wrong. Friday, two days before the th running of France?s baby, the Daytona , the lobby. I’m not a big fan but.

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