Tag Archives: sex

A Dating Dilemma, or Why It Would Kick Ass To Be Gay.

17 May

They say that it’s best to marry someone with similar values. I totally agree. Theoretically. Practically speaking though, women and men have the most dissimilar values of any two peoples on Earth. Is that too much 0f a generality? I don’t know for sure. Maybe I should limit this to the man I know best- me – and the women I know best – frum girls (even though I really don’t know a whole mass of frum females). Provisos accounted for, here is how an honest conversation of values would go for me:

Girl: Hey, have any values?

Me: Umm…

Girl: Like, what do you want out of this relationship?

Me: Uh, well, you see…

Girl: Ok, I’ll go first. I want to have a friend, a soul mate, someone I can trust with everything and feel comfortable with whatever I say or do.

Me: Definitely! That’s great. We’re totally compatible.

Girl: OK, now you go.

Me: Um, what do you mean? I need to talk more now?

Girl: Oh, come on, don’t be like that… OK, I see us married and living about an hour from my parents and you learn at night with a chavrusa, and the kids go to a Yeshiva that’s frum, but cares about English- you know, actually values college and working people. Maybe Far Rockaway. I want to go into massage therapy, I think it’s only a 2 year program, and in a couple of years we’ll buy a house, and maybe Chani or Rivky will be living nearby, and we can go on vacations together, like to Florida or Las Vegas! I mean, there’s kosher food there, but it’s a LOT of fun. Ok, so what do you see down the road?

Me: Us having sex….Um…A lot?

Girl: Okaay…But in 5 years?

Me: 5 years?…You’ll still be really hot then. Wow, we’ll probably be doing everything. 5 years? We’ll probably be watching pronos to find cool stuff to do.

Girl: Ok. I get it. And our kids? Do you think they should be in a more relaxed Yeshiva?

Me: Uh, yeah, kids? Whatever.

Girl: What do you mean? What about where we’ll live?

Me: I don’t care.

Girl: Near our family? Our friends? What shul will you go to? Will you be learning?

Me: I don’t care.

Girl: What do you mean you don’t care? You have to care. What do you think about? What do you want?

Me: I just told you. Like a second ago.

Girl: What if we don’t have kids? What if they go to public school? What if your family doesn’t like me, or mine don’t like you, or there’s a terrorist attack, or we win the lottery, or you get a different job and have to move? Will we move away from here?

Me: Uhh, whichever way we keep having sex…We’re, uh, we’re still good, right?…………Umm, any chance you wanna get started now?

Eating Jewish

13 Jan

You ever learn that Gemara where Bruriah lists all the kosher foods that are stand-ins for non-kosher food, in order to show that even though we are commanded to sanctify ourselves, Judaism isn’t restrictive? What a preachy, party-line, pile of shit.*

There’s this girl I work with who is the nicest, most awesome person I know. I love talking to her and hanging out at work, but even though I’m dying to have a real relationship with her, I can’t, because, you guessed it, she’s not Jewish. And no matter that every sign in the world points to God dropping her in my lap, it’s too bad. So now, according to Bruriah, I’m supposed to find a Jewish girl to match up. But the chances of that happening are a million to one, because A) I’m not ready to commit to dating someone for marriage and 95% of the Jewish girls I would be compatible with are only interested in that, and B) she’s fucking PERFECT for me! But still, I’m trapped by this religion and religious culture I belong to. The only thing I can do is sit here and complain about it online. Well, I guess that’s one thing I can still do. I might have to eat the food you’re feeding me, but I don’t have to like it.**

*And something always rubbed me the wrong way about Bruriah. Always yelling at men to follow Halachah when they’re just making normal conversation or going about their day. What the hell! If you don’t like it, don’t do it. The non-stop preaching throughout the Gemara, to Ziddukim, etc. The most messed up part about her is how she died. You know that story? Basically, Bruriah has a fight with her husband, R’ Meir, whether women are emotionally flighty and therefore illogical- “Nashim daatan kalos hein”. Bruriah says no way. “I’m just as smart as you and can think just as clearly.”¬† R’ Meir coughs and mutters “cold-hearted kana’i”, “ehem, excuse me.” Bruriah says, “What was that?” R’ Meir answers, “Oh nothing. Just had something caught in my throat.” Bruriah still looks pissed so R’ Meir changes the subject and says “Let’s have a contest.” She agrees.

R’ Meir goes and tells one of his suavest students to seduce his wife. She refuses the guy’s advances, refuses, refuses, until one day she finally relents. R’ Meir jumps out and says, “Gotcha! Nashim daatan kalos hein. That means your parents aren’t coming here for pesach this-” But before he can finish, she kills herself. Yup, kills herself. She is so fragile and dependent on this super-frum shell that she created for herself, that she can’t face living without it. I really should feel bad for her, but she’s such a self-righteous kana’i that I don’t.

**I actually like Kosher food. That’s not the frikkin take home point here.

And Beth- I’m dying to see how you could turn this into kiruv.

The Make A Wish Foundation

10 Jan

The Make-A-Wish Foundation is a really great organization, but I always wonder how it works. There’s a kid lying in bed in the hospital with some horrible incurable disease and a lady shows up from Make a wish.

Lady: “Hey, Timmy, I’m Linda from the Make a wish foundation. Remember we talked on the phone? Did you decide on what you wanted? Remember, you can have whatever you want.”

Timmy: “Except for a cure.”

L: “Right, except for a cure.”

T: “So I’m just going to like, keep on dying of this unimaginably painful disease, but I get to see Taylor Swift.”

L: “Yeah. Pretty much. Is that what you want?”

T: “Will she have sex with me?”

L: “Heh heh. No. I’m afraid not.

T: “Will you have sex with me?”

L: “Uh…no…Sorry.”

T: “Fuck. “

Old guy in the next bed: “I’m dying too. Can I see Taylor Swift?”

L: “Shh, old man, don’t be crazy. Old people don’t get wishes. Be happy you’re in a hospital.”

Old guy: “Haha! You got me there!”

Also, M-A-W is such a good, heart-warming organization, I’m nervous there’s some dark, disney-level twisted secret they’re hiding from us. Like maybe there’s a huge contract that nobody ever reads, except one studious little girl who goes through the whole thing right there before she signs it and gets to the fine print on page 147.

“Hey, this says I get to go to Disney World, but you get my soul.”

MAW Lady: “What? Let me see that…Yeah, it does say that. Let me make a call here….Hey, Barb, yeah it’s Linda….No everything is going fine. Little Samantha here has decided on Disney World…Right…Uh-huh…But apparently her contract says something about giving up her eternal soul. Obviously, some kind of joke, but…Are you serious?”

Then there’s a whole 60 minutes expose of a behind the scenes look at Make A Wish. Scott Pelley walks into the CEO’s office:

“Hi there, Mr. Zebub.”

“Please, call me Bill. You’re here for the behind the scenes look at our foundation, I imagine.”

“That’s right.”

“Please, follow me. Oh, watch your step. The computer cables are a mess there.”

¬†They go into this door off to the right of the office, and there’s a huge room full of volunteers sacrificing goats on smoking stone altars running over with blood.

“Haha! Well, Scott, there she is. That’s the wish room. All the magic happens here.”

“Uhh. Umm. What the hell is this all about?”

“What do you mean? The wishes have to come from somewhere, don’t they? You think Justin Bieber just shows up and brings you to Hawaii?”

“I…I thought you had donors…I thought you had a couple of overweight Jewish guys back here to meet me, I don’t know…What about all those balloon pictures with dollars people donate?”

“That? That barely covers staffing, salaries, overhead. Livestock really adds up when you’re running a full-time operation. And pay-offs…you think the city environmental department would tolerate all the fire and brimstone we go through? Forget about the next-world payoffs. I tell you, God doesn’t let go of his little children for cheap.” -Pelley’s just silent now, staring- “Hehe. Well, um, anyhoo, I guess that’s pretty much it for here…”

Lifnei Iver- Frum Porn Search Edition

13 Nov

David Frum: Frum porn searchers' arch nemesis

There are a lot of different ways people stumble onto this blog, but one of the most common is searching for frum porn. It’s fascinating to me how many permutations of “frum girls naked” I get in the search bar. Some of these make me feel bad though. Some horny guy is desperately searching for something he’ll probably never find, he gets a hit, and lands on a blog. I imagine I’ve been the cause of quite a few tears and muffled curses. I’m also fairly certain that if Google predictive search was totally open, there would be no unporn-related hits for at least 50 lines.

That’s probably why they do it though. You’re looking for a restaurant in town. You start typing “Barbeque grill”, b- boobs, ba- balls, bar- Did you mean bra-less teens? You forget what you started searching for, decide to reheat some cholent, and jerk off. Nobody would leave the house, and eventually all non-porn businesses would just shut down.

Let’s get to the list:

Frum’s first:

frumgirl

frum sex -“david frum”

frum porn

frum girls gone wild

frum and naked

frum girl pictures

frum+yeshivish+porn

frum cheaters

frum bais yaakov nude

frum girl ass

frum horny bochur

Now Yeshiva:

horny yeshiva bochur

best yeshivish sex story

yeshivish slut

yeshiva jerk off

my kallah naked -Interesting spin here.

Bais Yaakov:

bais yaakov sex

bais yaakov boobs

bais yaakov girls gone bad

bais yakov catskills sex

bais yaakov girls party

bais yaakov girls

chassidishe slut

aladdin porn -Someone’s a bit young to be searching for porn.

how to get laid as a yeshiva bochur

romney 2012 porn -Wtf?

jewish girl

mesorah giral porno -??

nude women honour our heroes -Some people know what to give.

yeshiva porn

high school memories porn

keep masturbating will cause what -I’ll tell you when I get to the end.

Random Thoughts #8

18 Sep

~Glee is a very polarizing show. Some people hate it, other people are gay.

~Personally, I think Tosh.0 was a better choice of name than The Soup 2.0.

~I think that prayer is a lot like the lottery. There’s nothing wrong with buying a lottery ticket every day, because ‘Hey you never know’. But when you’re spending all you’ve got on lottery tickets, you might want to rethink your life.

~You can make yourself happy or miserable at any point of the day by thinking one of the following 2 things:

1. Someone right now is living in a tiny shack, starving, with flies circling them. What exactly are you driving yourself crazy worrying over? Go buy a bagel and lox sandwich right now and ess gezinteh heit.

2. Someone right now is having sex. Right now. While you’re busy heating up that soup in the microwave. And someone else is doing it with someone so hot, you’d pee your pants if they so much as looked at you.

~The oldest living animal ever recorded was a 400 yr old clam. What a gyp. Thats barely an animal, or alive. I was expecting to find at least a sea turtle, or hugh hefner or something. Stupid Snapple caps making me read those tiny words while driving.

Life In Cameron Diaz’s Tower

24 Aug

In an interview with Maxim for their “Hot 100″ edition, Cameron Diaz said marriage is dead. “I think we have to make our own rules. I don’t think we should live our lives in relationships based off of old traditions that don’t suit our world any longer.”

Well, Cameron, it’s nice to see you’re thinking about big concepts like this. What’s that, you have another bit of wisdom? “One should dry-hump as much as possible.” Hmm, okay, thanks for that. What I was going to say was- if you don’t mind, I’d like to do a thought experiment with you. No, you can take off the goggles. All we’re going to do is lie back and think. Ok, imagine you weren’t born better looking than 99% of the other people in the world. I know it’s hard, just try. Got it? Ok, now pretend that you also don’t have more money than 99% of the world. Okay, so you’re just one of 6 billion other people, trying to do your best to survive, trying to get some food, sex, maybe even kids. Very little actual security. Hmm? You’re not following. *Sigh*. Ok, let’s try a different experiment. Take off your clothes…

The reason Cameron Diaz doesn’t understand why people are still getting married is the same reason college kids and professors and Cameron’s actor friends keep blaming Israel for the violence in the Middle East. They can’t relate. They can’t relate, sitting in their cozy ivory towers, to people begging for bread outside their walls. Let them eat cake, what’s the problem? How can you understand what it’s like to live in constant fear for your life when you’ve never had to worry if your family would be dead when you got home from work?

Don’t defend yourself, it’s morally wrong in Kant’s view. Don’t get married, you can always get companionship and sex whenever you want. Are these people fucking serious? God, it must be nice to live like King-baby at 35 years old.

More Random Thoughts

17 Jul


Opening yourself up to new experiences can be great. Like, at first everybody says, it’s great plain, why would I want to put that in it? Then you try it and you think, wow, that was awesome, I’m never going back! What?! No, you perv, I’m talking about pancakes with chocolate chips in them.

I always make sure to buy fair trade. I also think that a bag of 100% Colombian coffee is worth 3 Mexican women.

Nobody’s coming into your club because you call it an “Upscale Gentleman’s Club”. I’m betting you could call it Jerkoff Junction and the same folks would still show up.

Impressed by the success of Haagen Dasz’s line of ice creams with only 5 simple ingredients called ‘5’, Edy’s launched it’s own product lineup. ’24’ is expected to hit stores Monday.

I was on a date and the girl asked me: “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” I thought, “I hope not, because that would make you lesbian.

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