Breaking News: Famous People Still Not Keeping It In Pants.

18 May

The news this week is awesome. Everywhere you look, famous people are putting it where they shouldn’t. According to the talking heads on TV, most decent people can’t imagine ever cheating on their spouses if they had the opportunity, but some unfortunate people are struck with ‘Alpha Genes’. (I don’t quite know what these are. My impression is that they’re from the same family as Tiger Blood and Adonis DNA.)

But these people aren’t like Charlie Sheen or even Tiger Woods. They’re political hotshots. This makes a difference. You see, unlike when entertainment stars have affairs, and it’s terrible and very sad, when our leaders do it, it’s hilarious. Especially when said leaders already speak in funny accents.

I mean, come on. Can’t you see how it went down it the Schwarzenegger house after he got home from work?

“Hoh-ney, I haff somesing I need to tell you. It’s a secret I’fe been keeping from you for a while.”

“What, converting your office into a workout room? I know about that.”

“Uh, no. Not that. It’s um…hey you know all dose fonny stories about your brodders and Marilyn Monroe?”


“Uh, what I’m saying is…did you evuh wonder why leetle Pedro has an Austrian accent? Evuh notice he says Kahleefohnia too? Yah. I might haff made him wiss da cleaning crew.”

And how about IMF head Dominique Strauss-Kahn? That whole story is priceless. Police questioning him at the station: “Witnesses saw you running naked down the hallway. One claims to have heard you say, and I quote, Ehllo! Mademoiselle! Dunt you waant a peek at wee Monsieur? Ahah! Ah gut you now! Is that accurate?” And his classic statement to the press, “Ah dunt waant to talk you. Go aaway! Your muzzer was a hamster, and your fazzah smelt of elderberries. Ah fahrt in your general direction.”

See, even rape is funny in a silly French accent.


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