How Do I Hate Thee Weddings? Let Me Count The Ways…

25 May

I hate thee to the depth and breadth and…Ok you get it, it’s not funny anymore. Let’s start this again.

First off, let me tell you one official Jewish reason for weddings that you may not know. Weddings have music and food and drinks and are supposed to be fun because of…Ayin Harah. That’s right. Judaism recognizes that when you get married, many people are jealous. What they want is right in front of them, and it aint the franks ‘n blanks. That’s where all the party customs come in. Apparently, your line of thinking is supposed to go like this:

Look at that hotty. Look at that smile on that girl/guy’s face. What a putz(ess). Thinks he/she deserves that more than me. What’s wrong with me anyhow? Ah, f- it. I hope they both rot in…ooh shwarma bar. Oh yeah, that is GOOD! Hey, you know what, let ’em have it. They’re not really so bad after all.

That’s also why girls (and girly guys) are supposed to say tefillos for segulos during the Chuppah. To keep the energy of that little girl inside who’s saying, “Why can’t I find someone? Laugh it up, you spoiled whore. I’ll pop your painted eyes out!!”

Given this evil undercurrent, weddings were designed to be fun for everyone at one point in time. Today though, it seems jealousy has been cured. Because now it’s just one long, tedious performance for the photographers.

The smorg is pretty cool if you get there on time. Unless you’re at a real Yeshivish wedding, you get to casually mix it up with the ladies while eating some good grub and listening to Jewish oldies. If you’re at one of these farfrumteh ones in Lakewood though, you gotta sit at a men-only table with nothing but sponge cake, shnopps, fachenyuk mumblers, and your beat boxing skills.

After that, you do nothing for 20 minutes and then head to the Chuppah to make eye contact with the Chosson and play on your phone for 45 minutes. A half hour after that, you sit down and get some challah and soup and you start to think it’s not so bad after all. That’s when you look for some pick-me-up juice to help you through the first dance, and you’re notified that no alcohol will be served. Nothing?? Not even wine? No. What happened to the Red Label at the Chosson’s tisch? Locked away. Ho.ly.Shit.

Too bad. Now you’re forced up by the the 30 seconds of best music at the wedding telling you that your old friend from high school is getting some. You move your ass towards the dense mass of sweaty black jackets trying to move around the chosson and begin to elbow and twist your way to the middle. Hopefully, your friend will see you and appreciate the 2 hours you spent in traffic trying to get there. No dice. He’s first dancing with family, then Rebbeim, and then current yeshiva friends. Dumb schmucks from old times he felt too guilty not to invite only get in later. So you allow yourself to be slowly shat out of the huddle, and walk outside to smoke and call your brother and go to your car for your secret flask of life lubricant you keep for emergencies.

When you get back in, they somehow have already served the main course, and you need to flag down an overloaded waiter making minimum wage to stop everything he’s doing and serve King You.You eat some more, and thankfully the alcohol is kicking in, so you have enough balls to tell your friend you need to leave for some fake reason. He says two rapid Mazel Tovs and you book. Now’s when you realize you’re in no condition to drive home, so you go back in for a coffee and meet the Chosson’s mother.

“Thank you so much for coming! Wow I haven’t seen you in years! How’s your mother? Oh, why do you have your umbrella? Were you about to leave? Sorry, go ahead.”

“No, no. Of course not. I’m here for the duration.”

You take a long swig, and wonder how your car is getting back to Far Rockaway.

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2 Responses to “How Do I Hate Thee Weddings? Let Me Count The Ways…”

  1. Baal Habos May 27, 2011 at 4:25 pm #

    >because of…Ayin Harah.

    Quite true; was at a Bris yesterday and the Kibbud of Kvater is a perfect example. It goes to those trying to have children.

  2. itchemeyer May 29, 2011 at 2:11 am #

    Good one. I’m sure you could find a bunch of examples.

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