Conversations With Jewish Hippies

24 Jun

(Cross-posted on Frumsatire)

How come whenever I eat food at a kiddush, I invariably get a lecture from one of my Jewish hippy friends? As much as I try to steer the conversation to something else, these helpful folks continue trying to save me. Ever have one of these?

“Hey M-, Shabbat shalom. I noticed you’re eating a lot of cholent. You know, that’s carcinogenic.

“Hey- what? Cholent?”

“Yeah. It has trans fats and saturated fats all cooking together to give you cholesterol, heart disease, high blood pressure-”

“Please. Stop. Don’t tell me this while I’m eating. I don’t have a history of any of those things in my family. And I can always take Lipitor when the time comes.”

“Drugs? You’ll shoot yourself full of those chemicals that Big Pharma is stuffing down our throats? Just eat healthy and you won’t need to. You know for thousands of years people didn’t need drugs. All of a sudden, we’re all taking drugs and getting shot full of vaccinations and we have all these new problems.”

“What are you even talking about? Nobody’s stuffing anything down my throat. And didn’t you do drugs for a while when you were a witch? Never mind- if I’m sick, I go to a doctor, do what he says and get better.”

“I’m not a witch anymore. And those drugs were natural. Anyhow- yeah, now you’re getting better, but in the long run, you’re making yourself sicker. How come we haven’t heard of Autism until recently? Why are we hearing about people getting cancer only recently?”

“Maybe because you don’t know any history. Ever hear of rampant childhood illnesses? No? That’s because evil Big Science took care of that. The plague? Pneumonia?”

“It’s not good to shoot yourself full of anti-biotics when you get a cold. You create super-diseases that can take over the world. Then scientists have to create super-drugs. Did you know that?”

“So what should I do?”

“Let your body take care of it. You can drink wheatgrass and Vitamin C juice to help. Nature can deal with natural illnesses. Your body is the most powerful cancer-fighting machine around.”

“I can’t believe you just said that. You know what, when the civilized world ends in a nuclear explosion and there are no more scientists around I’ll stop taking drugs and eating cholent. Of course, then I’ll be eating rats I catch in a repurposed toaster oven which probably isn’t very healthy either.”

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