Pinchas: This Shit Is Going Down

14 Jul

I think that many people today have trouble with Pinchas. The story is pretty gruesome, especially after you read Rashi about the genital shishkebobbery and all that. What did the guy do so bad after all? Get a little Midyani action on the side? Why is that anyone’s business besides for him and God?

But if you can visualize the characters and the scene, it makes more sense. Everyone starts worshiping the Midyanite Baal and sleeping with the Midyanite women. God says to Moshe something like: Excise this evil from your midst. Take all the leaders with you, round up the sinners, and string them up. For if you do not, verily I shall smite thee terribly. Forthwith.

Moshe: Forthwith?

God: Look it up. I’m not a dictionary.

So Moshe’s going around with the leaders separating the sinners from the congregation, when word gets out that one of the leaders is sleeping with the enemy.

Shevet Shimon: Uh, hey Zimri, what are you doing?

Zimri: Dude, let’s stop all this fighting. Let’s just make peace.

Shimon: Ok, um, I don’t know if you realized this, but idolatry’s a pretty big thing for God. He just, really like 5 minutes ago, he just told Moshe to go publicly hang all the people involved. So, uh, could you stop doing that?

Zimri: Trust me dude, it’s cool. I’m not worshiping Baal. Besides, I’m the leader of this whole tribe. Moshe can’t kill all of us. Everything’s fine. Go get some of this before it’s all gone.

Out of breath guy to Pinchas: …so then he said it’s ok because he’s not doing anything wrong. Whew. Where’s the water rock? I’m dying here.

Pinchas: Holy shit, are you serious? Get me a fuckin spear. Pronto.

(Cross-posted on FrumSatire)

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