How Did This Happen?!

18 Jul

How George RR Martin wants to look

I wrote this piece a few months ago for Frumsatire, but I like it too much not to put it up here too:

Today I was doing what they used to call a cheshbon hanefesh. You know, reflecting on my life. I must say: I’m unimpressed with the results. How did it come to pass that the highlight of my day is writing articles anonymously for someone else’s blog. When did it go so terribly, terribly wrong?

By this time in life, I was supposed to be a rich and powerful spy/weapons dealer. Or at least close to it. To date, I think zero of my friends are Arab dictators or African warlords. And I can’t pull off wearing a bluetooth at work. NO! It wasn’t supposed to be like this!

And what happened to my early high school romance with a blond girl with low self-esteem? I was supposed to make her feel cool, while she pulled me away from a life of crime. Where was she? I bet she used to hang out at Netanya’s. But the Yeshiva didn’t let us go there! We could get kicked out! Curse you, Hanhalah! Curse you to hell!

Come to think of it, I don’t have a lightsaber either. And I’d just be fooling myself if I thought I could still get into the Jedi Academy now. Anakin was too old at 6 years old, and he was the chosen one! I’ll never have the chance to develop my force powers. Wait, maybe I’m chosen-er than him? Nah, that’s probably stupid.

Well, at least Mass Effect 3 is coming out soon. I’ll just have to play that while I wait for an old man to come and take me on an adventure. My family will probably have to be killed in a horrible way to justify my blood-lust, but I’m willing to make that sacrifice.

How George RR Martin actually looks



2 Responses to “How Did This Happen?!”

  1. Gutman Braun July 26, 2011 at 9:27 am #

    I feel your pain, brother

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