Harry Potter Needs Work

19 Jul

I’m watching the new Harry Potter at 10:00 PM in a theater with about 25 people scattered around the seats and this girl dressed in a Harry Potter school uniform keeps on trying to start up a clap at various clap spots in the liturgy.

For some reason, this was particularly irksome to me (as they say in Harry Potterville), and was probably why I started to take apart the movie in my head. Really, there’s no other reason I can think of. It’s a good movie. The only thing you need to do is buy into the whole HP universe for a while. If you can’t for some annoying reason, the huge magical plot-holes start to jump out and bother you.

Just take Dumbledore as an example. Does this guy do anything useful? He’s the strongest wizard around, and all he can do is give cryptic advice to a 11-17 year old boy while sending him around to fight people so powerful and evil, that they terrify even the toughest fully grown wizards working at the Ministry of Magic.

Speaking of which, other than give time-bending devices out to 13 year olds to help with schoolwork, what does this huge body do? There’s no electricity or plumbing or libraries or anything. The only “stronghold” is the school for crying out loud. (That seems irresponsible.) What are all the tax Galleons used for?

Normally, I’d say they enforce law and order, but that’s of course ridiculous. Yes, there are courts run by the Ministry and a badass prison with guards that suck your soul out of your face (unless of course you learn the “go away” spell that every high-schooler can do.) But there’s no army or national guard or police to enforce anything. There’s one unit of about 15 Aurors who act as intelligence/special forces/FBI and they keep millions of wizards in line. Wizards who learn fighting move spells as part of their school curriculum. No wonder these guys are no help whenever the bad guys show up.

Lastly, why don’t these guys get help from the muggles? Every spell has to blocked by a wand swish move, right? So give one guy an Uzi and he should be unbeatable. The aurors should at least carry wands and Uzis. You do a spell and then while he’s blocking it, tootootootootoo, he’s dead. Or if they know they’re going to be attacked at the school, get the SEALS there to snipe as well.

Kssshh, Eagle Eye, this is Alpha team. Looks like there’s a bunch of guys in black running down the hill towards us shooting fireworks out of little sticks. Permission to engage.


Pop pop pop pop pop pop. They’re down.

Did you get the bald guy in front?

First one.

Voldemort is really the bigger question. He’s a bad man. He should just magically take control of a few nuclear subs and blow up everything he doesn’t like.

Boss, we can’t penetrate Hogwarts defenses. They have magical enchanted statues.

Yeah, that’s not gonna be a problem.


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