Random Thoughts: Stand-up Edition

27 Jul

10) My mother is shameless

I keep reading all these other blogs out there about politics and healthcare and all these other crises and I’m feeling a little guilty for giving out bathroom tips and making up Divrei Torah with Pinchas saying dirty words. Maybe we should talk about important things. I think I’ll start with global events.

What’s going on with the EU and Ireland? You don’t know what I’m even talking about. Me neither. I just read about it in a comment on a youtube video. Man, it’s hard when there are no smart people to jump in and take over. My geopolitical philosophy is this: Is America still the baddest kid on the block? Excellent. I’m gonna vote republican and skip the rest of that bullshit then. Hey, I only got so much space in my head, people, and keeping track of Simpsons minutiae is already taking up a huge chunk.

Whenever I mention my political views, someone always says, “You’re so self-centered. Nihilistic. Narcissistic.” To which I answer: “Shut the fuck up, stupid conscience! And you too, Neuroticism! Yeah, I know you’re back there somewhere! You two got me here in the first place! Now you just get to pipe down and watch as I suck other people into this.”

Important things and me have kind of parted ways over the years. I mean, serious reading jumped ship years ago… I forget exactly why, something about not seeing the relationship going anywhere. But now it’s even movies. The only ones I can even watch are under an hour and a half and packed with action, comedy, tragedy all into one big ball.

Like Thor. That movie rocked. Short with immediate payoff. If you didn’t see it, here’s a recap. Fighting, fighting, old English for a bit, explosions, cleavage, fighting, ridiculous CGI effects, kiss, more fighting, bad guy’s locked up for next time. Total time? Hour and a half. Oh yeah. Call me when the sequel comes out. That’s what I’m talking about.

Good night folks. I’m outta here!


4 Responses to “Random Thoughts: Stand-up Edition”

  1. Gutman Braun July 27, 2011 at 9:17 am #

    Noooooooo! Don’t do it – it’s one of the great human tragedies when another quality mind gets ratcheted down to the lowest common denominator of the masses – you have to fight that urge! Don’t you see what you’re missing out on?

    Listen, amigo, drop the action stuff, and work on the intellectual stimulation. You know, listen exclusively to WNYC/NPR/BBC, watch films playing at places like Angelika and spend a lot of time watching TED features online. Oh yeah, learning a bunch of Latin phrases and philosophic aphorisms helps as well.

    In a few short weeks you will be able to enjoy life more fully as an elitist, (far more) narcissistic and snooty know-it-all, while looking down at plebeian pedestrian thinkers that watch action movies and vote republican.

    You’ll thank me for it later.

    • itchemeyer July 27, 2011 at 12:19 pm #

      I try to listen to NPR and Sean Hannity from time to time, but I can’t. I’m a long-time ascriber to the traditional German school of thought of “Chob nisht kin koach”, and I can’t break free.

  2. Gutman Braun July 27, 2011 at 12:58 pm #

    Well, I can see why hannity would be unlistenable… I used to get a ride to work with a guy that thought Sean was an honorary member of the Moetzes (not that I care for the moetzes anyway). I guess it’s the price I had to pay for mooching a ride, but I often wondered if it was worth the price.

  3. loollillilarF August 18, 2011 at 4:58 pm #

    Measure of Manliness

    3 guys get pulled over by a woman cop.

    They tried to get out of the speeding ticket, so the woman said if all ur dicks equal up to 15 inches ill let you off.

    The driver pulls out his dick which is 7 inches.

    The guy in the front of the passenger seat pulls his out which is 6 inches.

    The last guy in the back pulls his out and it’s 2 inches.

    So they get out of the ticket.

    After a while they hear the guy laughing hysterically in the back.

    The driver asks, “What’s wrong why are you laughing?” the guy in back says good thing I was popping a boner.

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