Remembering The Good Old Days

17 Aug

I used to think that the old days were so much cooler than our boring times. Then I learned some unfortunate facts. Like my uncle has pneumonia now. He’s on antibiotics and steroids and whatnot, and the doctors expect him to get over it in a few weeks. 70 years ago, if you got pneumonia, you might as well go pick out a gravestone. 

Yes, in the olden days, doctors made house calls. The doctor would come over, check you out, and diagnose you.

“Hey little Jimmy, you got pneumonia.”

“What do I do?”

“Well, I’m going to give you a bottle of pills made out of sugar, and you can take as many as want.”

“What else?”

“What else? What else is I’m getting the hell out of here as soon as I can. Then you’re pretty much on your own. You know what, have your mother call my office and I’ll mail you a case of heroin.”

If you think I’m exaggerating, my great-uncle got pneumonia when he was a kid in the 1930’s. The doctor gave him an examination and told his mother to pray. Yes, pray. “That’ll be a dollar. Goodbye.”

And the heroin thing? Drugs weren’t only legal, Coke advertised that it had cocaine in the product name. The first war on drugs was an actual war between Britain & China called the Opium War. Civilized Britain won and was therefore able to continue shipping heroin into China. In the most popular mystery series of the 1880’s, the hero, Sherlock Holmes, routinely injected cocaine intravenously.

That’s beside all the minor things, like no washing machines, vacuums, phones, cars, planes, efficient heating, air conditioning, money, laws, society, speech, food, sex, and breathing. It was just dark and dreary and then you went to hell.


6 Responses to “Remembering The Good Old Days”

  1. SQ August 17, 2011 at 9:38 am #

    Nostalgia is for people who don’t know history.

    • bendkaye August 22, 2011 at 9:30 pm #

      Or you just crave a society where you accept shit living conditions and a short life in exchange for awesome real life Cowboys and Indians games.

      Imagine being able to introduce disease to unsuspecting Indians, drive herds of buffalo of cliffs, shoot them assholes after bar fights, rob trains, easily evading taxes, and never having to worry about AIDS! (just pregnancies)

      • itchemeyer August 22, 2011 at 9:39 pm #

        That’s true. If u were one of the (few) people having fun 150 years ago, you were having a LOT of fun.

  2. Gutman Braun August 17, 2011 at 11:06 am #

    One reason why the good ol’ days tend to get such a good rap:

    • itchemeyer August 17, 2011 at 1:18 pm #

      That’s a great piece. Thanks! Very funny.

  3. Gutman Braun August 17, 2011 at 2:24 pm #


    That’s what I’m here for 🙂

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