Yeshiva Memories: Porno Adventures

30 Aug

Dirty Magazines! Hahaha. Oh, come on, I'm not putting porn up here.

Besides going sholom zachor-hopping with your friends to score booze, the most fun thing to do in high school was getting porn. Now, you modern Yeshiva guys won’t understand this, but in the olden days, you had to buy porno- in magazine form.

Ah, those were the days. You would go to the dingy corner convenience store, grab a snapple and wait around till all the other customers left. Then you would casually walk over to the counter and ask for one of the magazines he kept in a rack behind him.

Hey Muhammed, I’ll take this peach snapple, and a Playboy.

You have Eyedey?”

Eye- oh ID. Yeah, here.

That is library card.”

Oh, that doesn’t work? Sorry, I left my driver’s license at home.

Stop shitting in me.”

Come on man, you know me, I’m here every other day.

I know you. You Jewish kid all sit on street fighter machine 3 hour don’t buy nothing. Buy beer and tell police they take my license away. Go.  Get the fuck out my store.”

Hey, I come here all the time. Why would I tell on you? Do me a favor man, I’m desperate.

Hmm. Ok. $15. But you tell anybody, and I take in back and rape you.”

Holy- what? Ok, yeah, sure.

I don’t want to. You make me to do it.”

You walk out a little confused, a little scared, and a little disgusted with both Muhammed and yourself. But mostly you walk out thrilled that you have your very own dirty magazine. You go to your dorm and hide it in your James Bond hiding spot in the ceiling that takes you 10 minutes to get to when you need it. And that magazine will last you and -later- your friends, for months.

Today, like most other single shomer negiah guys, I subsist on a steady diet of online porn videos. But nothing out there can possibly compare to the neurotic joys of beating one out in Yeshiva.

(Cross-posted on Frumsatire)

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4 Responses to “Yeshiva Memories: Porno Adventures”

  1. Cathe Meyers August 30, 2011 at 7:26 am #

    Hello itchemeyer,

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  2. ras gul September 12, 2011 at 5:08 pm #

    which yeshiva(s)?

    • itchemeyer September 12, 2011 at 10:06 pm #

      Ahh, that’s a good question.

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