National Geographic: Inspiring people to care abou- Zzzzzzz

12 Sep

The excitement builds.

I don’t understand National Geographic channel at all. Can someone smarter please explain this to me? You pour tons of money into traveling to the most remote, amazing places on Earth with a team full of expensive scientists and equipment, and yet you somehow manage to make your programming boring enough to slow the average heart to standstill. One by one, you’re killing every cool thing on Earth. Please. Stop!

Seriously, if someone would offer to take me somewhere incredible after I’d seen it on National Geographic, I’d most probably say no.

“Hey you want to see the Alps?”

“Hmm, nah.”

You want to swim with gorgeous tropical fish in warm crystal clear blue water near the most beautiful island you’ve ever seen?

“You know, I’m a little tired. Maybe some other time.”

“The only living things on the island are naked women and monkeys in tuxedos tending tiki bars.”

“Can’t you take a fuckin hint? I said NO.”

Anyhow. They just killed off the biggest cave on the planet. Like a moron, I started watching this thing because all they show you in the commercial is a highlight reel of scenes that makes you feel like your heart is about to explode from the absolute awesomeness of it all. You simply cannot not watch.

Of course, once you get there, a 75 year old monotoned man starts describing everything in the most technical detail imaginable. The equipment, the “flora and fauna”, everything. It’s not a few comments to enhance what you’re seeing. This fucker is trying his hardest to suck the life out of everything. I’m not exaggerating at all now, here’s how the nonstop monotone man described the group huddled around a cooking fire in a huge, magnificent, dim cavern: “It’s important to rehydrate and replenish calories.” Cut scene. Wait- did you just make eating at a campfire a boring chore? Wow, bravo. The whole thing is like 5 seconds though, and then back to a guy who is the absolute antithesis of Indiana Jones describing how he’s going to measure the PH balance in the water. This scene of course takes 5 minutes of excruciatingly detailed shots of the chemicals in his box, Antithesis pouring the chemicals, the results of his various tests, Zzzzzzz.   

Then we go back to the action with the team crossing a tiny stream. The music is eclipsing the action entirely. It’s something out of Braveheart playing over crossing a foot high piss stream. Indiana’s up again: “You need to be really careful out there. You can twist your ankle very easily, and then we need to wait for a rescue team to pull the person out…. One time I got a cut on my foot. Another time, my father killed himself on a hiking trip and it took a really long time until they cleaned all his brains off the trees. I think they were deciduous trees. I forgot to collect samples, but I think so. You know, an interesting thing about deciduous….”

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