How To Observe Holidays Like A Boss

20 Sep

You read that? Like a boss, people.

On the door of my local library there’s a sign that says, “Will be closed in observance of Labor Day”. I had to laugh when I saw it. How exactly do you observe this holiday? A solemn barbeque? These aren’t holidays. They’re fun days off. You want to see observance of holidays, go visit an old school religion, like Judaism or Islam. We observe the shit out of holidays.

Now Islam probably wins with Ramadan, the month-long, suicidal-thought-inducing fast. But Judaism still comes in with a close second. Forget about the extra-hard once a year holidays like Pesach, or a 3 day Rosh Hashanah, or Yom Kippur. Every week we observe Shabbos, from sundown on Friday until an hour after sundown on Saturday. That doesn’t mean 25 hours of TV and fun broken up by an hour of singing at Church. Hell no. It means 25 hours of no smoking, cooking, driving, TV, turning on lights, playing ball, ripping toilet paper, or walking too fast.

If you want to observe Shabbos, you need to prepare or you’re in for a nasty shock. If you don’t cook the food, rip the TP, and turn off the fridge light, you have a 60% chance of crying by Saturday afternoon. My Rosh Yeshiva used to burn cigarettes into a bottle on friday so that he could suck out the smoke while learning with R’ Shach on Shabbos. That’s observance. And addiction.

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8 Responses to “How To Observe Holidays Like A Boss”

  1. E.G. Cosh September 20, 2011 at 7:36 am #

    Burning cigarettes into a bottle?! That is hardcore dedication to the faith.

  2. brainrants September 20, 2011 at 7:44 am #

    “We observe the shit out of holidays.” – Oh so classic!

  3. Hannah September 20, 2011 at 7:49 am #

    Your Rosh Yeshiva made a cigarette bong? Well, they say necessity IS the mother of invention… and I guess addiction is the bastard fly-by-night dad.

    But yeah. Let’s not even get into how my in-laws prep for yom kippur; it’s two days of binging, dude. Ugh. *vom*

    • itchemeyer September 20, 2011 at 8:52 am #

      Yeah…he did make a bong. I see clear precedent.

  4. tinkerbelle86 September 20, 2011 at 7:50 am #

    so funny!!!

  5. Gutman Braun September 22, 2011 at 12:24 pm #

    Observance is in the eye of the observer!

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