Mikvah Etiquette

17 Oct

Sorry I couldn't find a creepier picture

You ever give a friendly hello to someone in the mikvah you think you recognize, but he doesn’t smile back because it’s probably not the same guy, and now you just hit on another man while you’re both naked, and you feel really awkward until he leaves? Me too! Funny you should mention it, because something similar happened to me erev yom kippur. In fact, now that I think of it, I’ve done so many things wrong in the mikvah over the years, I could make an mikvah etiquette list. Oh, look, that’s what I called this post. Excellent.

There’s one overarching rule at the mikvah: If everyone’s doing it, it’s not weird. So…

It’s fine to get naked and wait for the shower bumper to bumper with other men. Don’t wear a towel or robe, it makes everyone feel uncomfortable and annoyed at you. Boxers are ok, bedieved.

You’re going to notice your neighbors and friends penises. Don’t feel ashamed at your natural curiosity. Just remember: a glance. You can do the measurements in your head.

It doesn’t matter if the water looks and feels like a 3 chossid chicken soup, don’t shower afterwards. You can wash the pubes off at home where your no-one has to know how much better you are than everyone else.

If you need to use the bathroom, don’t. Just don’t. That’s just a hygeine tip, and it’s on the house.

And one more: Give the kids waiting at the door some money. I was one of those kids for a number of years, waiting for enough money to get a crappy Billfolds Wallet for Men from Tashbar, and I can tell you: Nobody hates you more than the kid who you lie to to weasel out of giving a dollar to. Right or wrong, it’s happening, and you don’t want that on your plate, erev whatever.

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5 Responses to “Mikvah Etiquette”

  1. BrainRants October 17, 2011 at 8:21 am #

    I may have missed something in your post or am again blogging while Goy, but where does one keep money in this situation, and why would any normal kid want to touch it?

    • itchemeyer October 17, 2011 at 9:39 am #

      Haha! Rubber balloon… The kids collect outside of the mikvah building.

  2. Gutman Braun October 18, 2011 at 6:10 pm #

    No, really, Judaism is very normal!
    No, no, we don’t have any strange pagan-like rituals…where did you get such an idea?
    What? do we guys get naked, en masse, inside of run down tiled basements and wade into pits of water, or just let it all hand out as we shower while conversing with other guys like us, as if this is all normal behavior from time to time? Sure, why do you ask?

  3. Gutman Braun October 18, 2011 at 6:11 pm #

    *let it all hang out

  4. johnthesavage01 October 23, 2011 at 4:22 pm #

    Lol.Love the humor here.

    I personally avoid the whole awkwardness of going to the mikvah by just not going to the mikvah. Works pretty well 🙂

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