Turtles Are Gay, Violets Are Blue, Something Something, I’m Too Horny To Think

7 Nov

bullshit frum society rules

Being that I have no evidence to support my theory on elevated levels of frum gayness, I’m going to talk about something less interesting. Namely, Turtles. Not even real turtles, actually. Turtles chocolate. And Snickers, and every other chocolate with nuts in it.

I like all these candy bars, but not for the nuts. I don’t like the nuts, but the overall package is good, so I tolerate them. I wonder how many things are like that. Someone makes a product they like and it catches on- but not for the reason he thinks. But he doesn’t want to screw with a working product so he keeps it the same.

Now, with certain things, like Snickers, that’s fine, because someone else thinks up nutless snickers, and now you can choose to have Milky Way or Snickers. But some things, like you know exactly what I’m talking about, worked well at one one point, and are unfortunately set in stone. Now, if you think it would be better without all the nuttiness, it’s too bad. You eat the same thing as everyone else.

And what about people who are allergic to nuts? (Not that I’m allergic to nuts. I’m saying some people are. Not that there’s anything wrong with being allergic to nuts.) Too bad, nuts for you too.  Maybe if someone is allergic to chocolate, you can share a Turtle and still work it out, but it will be really weird.

You know what, I feel bad for chocolate lovers, but forget all that right now. What I’m really saying here is, jerking off till I’m married is not working out well on this side of the screen. Let’s change this stupid d’rabbanan so I don’t end up killing myself or being kicked out of the community for banging someone. And jerking off is actually d’oraisa according to most people. It’s just easier to hide, so you don’t lose any respect in the community. Isn’t it incredible how much of what we do is actually bullshit? Not that this knowledge helps you at all. It just gives you more reasons to be pissed off about what you’re forced to do anyhow. FUUUUUUUCCCKK!

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15 Responses to “Turtles Are Gay, Violets Are Blue, Something Something, I’m Too Horny To Think”

  1. Gutman Braun November 7, 2011 at 10:30 am #

    That was beautiful (wiping tear from eye). Itchemeyer, you’re a poet.

  2. Gutman Braun November 7, 2011 at 10:44 am #

    As an aside: Many years ago, someone showed me a tshuva from the late 1800’s regarding the problem that had developed among Yeshiva bochurim (as it happens this was in the Lita) who couldn’t wait for marriage. Apparently, in the Yeshiva system, the bochurim had to get married relatively late, so – to be blunt – many didn’t. And the tshuva was an instruction to the mikvaos to allow unwed girls (i.e. girlfriends?) to toivel so that these bochurim wouldn’t be oiver krisus (and to prevent masturbation).

    I asked a certain respected (Litvishe) Talmud Chochom (& mechaber sforim) about it, and he told me, “Yeah, I know it’s a little shocking, but it wasn’t uncommon in those years.”

    Ahhh (start music now)… “Where have all the Rabbis gone…?”

    • itchemeyer November 7, 2011 at 2:42 pm #

      Wow. Yeah. Where’s that Rabbi?

  3. Gutman Braun November 7, 2011 at 10:45 am #

    *missing word above: “many didn’t WAIT”

  4. johnthesavage01 November 7, 2011 at 2:05 pm #

    Err… you mind translating that last sentence from your first paragraph Gutman?

    • itchemeyer November 7, 2011 at 2:48 pm #

      The rabbi said they should open the mikvahs to singles so that the yeshiva bochurim shouldnt be having sex with women who are niddahs, which is a really bad averah.

  5. johnthesavage01 November 7, 2011 at 7:38 pm #

    That’s a pretty crazy story now that I understand it…

    Ay Caramba!

  6. For Real November 8, 2011 at 9:20 pm #

    Dude. The solution here is to find some girl and, well, make a loophole in the marriage rules, if you’re so intent on keeping them. Marry- temporarily. Weren’t there some rabbis in the gemarah who would find the unhitched visiting women in town and marry them for a day? There are probably girls out there who feel the same way

    • itchemeyer November 8, 2011 at 11:43 pm #

      That’s a good plan. Pretty involved though. I like Gutman’s rav’s plan better.
      I mean, i have to find witnesses, and a girl willing to go through with it. Gutman’s needs a girl going to a mikvah. Or a lake. Not that I’ve found one of those either. I’m really in the wrong circles. I should make a frum hookup site with that tshuva posted as a background.

      • For Real November 9, 2011 at 11:13 pm #

        Doesn’t a marriage techincally need 2 witnesses and a contract? Just get your 2 best buds in on it so you can be each other’s witnesses all the times. I don’t know where you’re at, but Lakewood has a mythological lake somewhere, and so does Prospect Park (sure, she’d have to go at 3 am, but a lake is a lake. Be a gentleman and make sure to stand by and guard her from other 3 am crazies in these places).

        As for the girl, that’s the hard part. A frum hookup site has the lifespan of a fruitfly. Maybe one of those 25-yo ancient singles?

        • itchemeyer November 10, 2011 at 12:49 am #

          Ha! Its genius. Yeah, the girl would be the hard part. Make a shidduch crisis work for me? Ehhhxcellent. Wife with benefits.
          Though i cant really explain why, but i feel guiltier doing it your way than the simple dip and go. It feels like using marriage to f over the torah. And the torah never really f’d me over. Its society, and people who lived 2000 years ago who did that.

        • itchemeyer November 10, 2011 at 2:27 am #

          I think it’s that I’m not yet ready to premeditatively break this halacha that I’ve kept my whole life. Angry venting is one thing. It would probably need to develop organically and just happen, but I’m not friends with any girls i think would be interested.

  7. BrainRants November 9, 2011 at 7:35 am #

    I love this site and reading the comments. It’s like I’m listening to an inside joke from the outside. No rudeness intentional.

    I admire your commitment to something you feel is important. I for one would never buy a car without test driving it first.

    Just saying.

    • itchemeyer November 9, 2011 at 1:11 pm #

      🙂
      Not that Im the expert on this issue -obviously-, but I think the rationale is that youre only getting one car either way, so you wont notice the difference. Even if the car has deep seated sexual issues.

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