My First Car Wreck

23 Nov

I got the idea for this post from my friend Brainrants’ (who runs a super-funny blog over here) first run-in with a tree. -Btw, two links to the same blog in one sentence means check it out. You’ll like it.

Back to the story though: I was in 1st year Bais Medrash in an “out-of-town” Yeshiva, and, as was is often the case, out of my box in need of a, how you say…”Beat-off”? Yes, anyhow, my uncle lived in that town, and I contrived some story as to why I needed to borrow his car. Being that it was 12 AM though, the convenience store that sold pornos near Yeshiva was closed, and I had to drive around desperately searching for a store that was open. I imagine this is what parents of sick children must feel like when they run out of medicine at 1 in the morning. 

Well, it’s 45 minutes later, and I’m driving in some dark tree-filled forest-ish place over winding roads that I have never seen before, and by now basically given up all hope of finding El Pornado, just speeding over a million unfamiliar roads trying to retrace my steps. In case you’re wondering, that last part is actually not a good idea. You see, I flew over one hill thinking it went straight at the bottom, but actually, it curved sharply, and there were train tracks running straight through the part where it turned. I took the curve a little too widely and my front right tire stuck out off the road, clipped the track and ripped my entire front axle off the car. The car spun around a few times until grinding to a stop in the middle of the road. You know- the pitch black curvy one right under the hill you couldn’t see over.

Well, I was in Yeshiva, and didn’t have a cell phone, because I was frum and cell phones could download naked pictures, so I just stood on the side of the road waiting for my car to kill the next person to come over the hill. A few cars drove by me from the other side without stopping, until, thank God, or whoever’s job it is to watch over horny clueless yeshiva bochurim, a big white Lincoln pulled up and stopped. A big dreadlocked black guy steps out, and to be honest, I got a little scared. I didn’t know what kind of neighborhood I was near and I didn’t expect anyone to stop to help me. Turns out, he didn’t stop to mug me. He lent me his cellphone to call a towing company, and went on his way. He even apologized for not staying with me until someone showed up, but it turns out he was “really high” and didn’t want to be around if the cops showed up.

I thought my uncle would go ballistic on me about his car, but he actually laughed because he had just bought a new car that same day- talk about hashgacha (and I think we can all agree that it seals the book on if God cares about me getting porn). I also eventually fessed up to my uncle why I was out so far away, the insurance covered the 6 grand of damage, and less importantly, I wasn’t hurt in the accident unfortunate event, so the only thing that suffered any lasting damage was my perception of black people. And potheads.

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6 Responses to “My First Car Wreck”

  1. Chay Nobody November 23, 2011 at 2:11 am #

    Thank you, thank you! Such a great laugh to start my day – “The Impalantor – the anti-chick-magnet in an appealing shade of brown” – ROTFLOL – literally in tears… 🙂
    Pashut gaonuss…

    • itchemeyer November 23, 2011 at 10:18 am #

      So you have a new blog to read. Lets call it an early chanuka present 🙂

  2. BrainRants November 23, 2011 at 6:08 am #

    Itch – you rock. I even think your reason for wrecking a car beats… er, is far funnier than mine. This is classic, and thank you for the link-back.

  3. Gutman Braun November 23, 2011 at 1:31 pm #

    “El Pornado,” Ha!
    Yeah, Itche, that proves it, we can close that book.
    Once again, a masterpiece. And further proof that “shluchei mitzvah einon nizakin”

    • itchemeyer November 23, 2011 at 9:23 pm #

      Man, comments like that make doing this worth the hassle. Thanks.

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