The Orthoprax King

14 Dec

There’s very little in this world as satisfying as finding a chink in someone you hate’s armor and then stabbing your sword in and twisting. It’s one of those secret fantasies, I think. Like having sex with a big-boobed blonde woman, or letting out a fart at a yeshiva dinner so nasty that people have to cover their mouths, a good shtuch is ultimately meaningless and fleeting, and at the same time, better than anything you can ever imagine.

Which is why it gives me great pleasure to tear an anonymous commenter online a new asshole. This comment goes back a while, back to when blogs were still talking about the ami orthopraxy article. I forget which blog it was, but someone asked why we should care about what people do in the privacy of their own homes. Basically, live and let live. At that, someone else replied, “These people are pretending to act frum just to steal our women!” Or something to that effect, probably with terrible spelling and weird capitalization, I forget exactly.

The beauty of really sheltered people talking on the internet is that these people have never been forced to analyze their thoughts as long as they don’t contradict the party line. As such, there’s no filter to whatever comes out of their mouths. Now, let’s analyze this thought for a moment and see why this heilege kana’i just gave us a huge opening to stab him in.

At first glance, the connection this guy is making isn’t clear. Acting frum to steal women? There are probably easier ways, right? Except, that’s not true. For a frum person to get any action, he has one card to play- the frum one. If he doesn’t flash his membership card (yes, part of that said “flash his member”. I’ll wait till you stop chuckling. Oy, this audience.), he is banned from the community. The biggest consequence of that is not getting married to someone from his community. Of course, he’ll probably be cut off from his family, friends also, but those aren’t as important for the simple fact that if they disapprove of him, he can tell them to go to hell. He doesn’t need to put up with them because he doesn’t need them anymore. (Yeah, it’s a harsh world. Hate to be the one to tell you, but better you hear it now from me.) Cutting off shidduch chances dooms his future. On the other hand, if you play by the rules of the game, everything is delivered. The shadchan delivers a plate of all your bullshit to the girl you find hot, she eats it like a good girl, and mazal tov, sex for free.

Of course, following a religion to get laid is basically the definition of Orthopraxy, but this is so plainly how this kana’i commenter feels about what religion is, that he doesn’t see anything wrong with it. He isn’t upset that the rules are made up. Why should he be? He is following what the teacher said and is getting an A. The only person he is upset with is the kid cheating in the corner. He is getting an A without making himself be a good boy and follow all the rules. How come he can do what he wants and not get punished? Why do I have to follow the rules? Did I just waste my whole life on a system that doesn’t deliver what it promises? Are you saying I could have stopped turning this stupid wheel fifty years ago and still gotten everything I needed, but just didn’t have the balls to question authority? NO! That’s what the little voice in my head keeps telling me before I stuff cholent and shul kibbudim down his throat. You’re making him upset again! Go away!

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11 Responses to “The Orthoprax King”

  1. Dan December 14, 2011 at 10:05 pm #

    I’m not sure I get it.

    You’re saying that this guy apparently sees the advantages of being frum is that you get a woman?
    And you conclude that because he assumes that someone who doesn’t really feel frum but acts frum must be doing it for that reason?

    I’m not sure I follow that, because why can’t our guy think that it is AN advantage of being frum, and the only one which would apply if you don’t really care to be frum for G-d?

    • itchemeyer December 15, 2011 at 12:25 am #

      ok, but why would he care? Maybe I didn’t capture the tone exactly, but the guy was mad at the Orthoprax Jews for stealing his women. Whoa.. Why so possessive? I think he feels he earned the women.

      • Dan December 15, 2011 at 6:25 pm #

        I see. (I guess he is single, because otherwise it is even more disturbing.)

        • itchemeyer December 16, 2011 at 1:22 am #

          Could be. I automatically assumed he was married and very messed up. I don’t know why. Dan es kol haadam lekaf messed up.

  2. tesyaa December 15, 2011 at 9:27 am #

    Aren’t there females outside of the O community that are willing to have sex? Or is that your point, in a roundabout way?

    BTW, talk about cheating… be a female and wear a sheitel and you can do anything, I mean anything, and still remain a member in good standing in the O community.

    • itchemeyer December 15, 2011 at 1:00 pm #

      yeah, but it’s risky and very guilt-ridden. I probably should have said “sex and a family”.

      Really? That’s news. I’m pretty ignorant of a lot of the juicy details of the female side. Anything in particular you want to share?

      • tesyaa December 15, 2011 at 1:06 pm #

        Not marital cheating, halacha cheating … sorry for titillating you unnecessarily. I mean, I don’t live in the Teaneck apartments or anything like that.

        • itchemeyer December 16, 2011 at 1:23 am #

          ;o Thats not bad. Second best.

  3. Gutman Braun December 15, 2011 at 12:14 pm #

    Only one small quibble Itche (in case you’ve never seen a frum family’s budget), let me be the (most certainly not the) first to tell you that the dream of “sex for free” is just that — a dream. Free it ain’t.

    • itchemeyer December 15, 2011 at 1:01 pm #

      🙂 I’ll be sure to mention that to Mrs. Gutman Braun once you point her out to me

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