Dear Jew in Section 414…

25 Dec

Post by Gutman Braun

Dear Jew in Section 414:

I enjoy a ball game – I always have. And while I know that it’s the MLB off-season, I just felt that it’s as good a time as any to post a general public service message that can be applied to many a similar circumstance.

I see you bearded members of tribe, sometimes in your white shirts, sometimes decked out with the finest in Kutchma headgear, and sometimes with other wardrobe selections. Now, let me make it perfectly clear that I really do support you getting out and seeing the world beyond McDonald Ave or Rodney St, and I’m definitely supportive of your decision to experience the pleasure of watching the real-life beauty of the over-the-shoulder catch or the perfectly turned double-play. More power to you.

However, and I mean this in the nicest way, there are actually codes of etiquette even among heathens and sports fans. I know that this is a bit of a shock to some of you (and chances are you aren’t ever going to even see this website), but it’s really not cool to make an ass of yourself in public. You probably don’t care that I am embarrassed beyond words, or that you’ve caused one more Yankee fan to suddenly think that the Palestinians may have a point, but your ego should kick in at some point and really not want to be considered a complete shithead.

I was thinking of compiling some simple rules, to be written in English, Yiddish and Hebrew, and given to the ushers to hand out when they see the tell-tale peyos or ZZ-Top-look-alike-with-fringes. It would say things like, please behave as if you learned basic manners. Please, do not scream with abandon like an idiot, get drunk, use profanity or cheer for the wrong team. I know that you think you’re just doing what everybody else is, but I assure you that you aren’t. There are proper and improper methods of cheering, there are proper and improper methods of speaking to the guy next to you, and there really is an unwritten code of accepted behavior among civilization.

Yes, it’s true that there may be others who similarly behave poorly while cheering for A-Rod to break his leg, but they should not be your model – they are assholes that you would be best to ignore. And while I know this will cramp you style a bit, I cannot emphasize enough that if you play it safe and behave as if you were at a kabbolas panim you can still really enjoy the game and you won’t keep having to hear Big Joe scream at you to “shut the fuck up and sit down” from six rows behind you.

Thank You.
– Gutman Braun, from the next section over to your right.

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4 Responses to “Dear Jew in Section 414…”

  1. bendkaye December 25, 2011 at 6:25 pm #

    This reminds me of when my entire yeshiva went to watch a para-olympic hockey game.

    Japan verses Czech Republic (I think)

    Anyway, the game was boring as hell but me and some friends went up in the middle of a crowd of people, pulled out a six foot long Japanese rising sun flag and started dancing and screaming “KAMKIKAZEEEE!” and other crap about Imperialist Japan.

    Long story short, the flag was temporarily confiscated and deemed offensive against the large Asian population attending the game 😛

    • Dan December 25, 2011 at 10:03 pm #

      It was offensive against them? Maybe they shouldn’t have attacked us. And done the Baatan death march.

      • bendkaye December 26, 2011 at 12:08 am #

        Yeah seriously!

        Plus we were supporting them, in fact we wanted something like this to go down: (Skip to 0:49)

    • itchemeyer December 26, 2011 at 5:21 am #

      hahaha! That’s hilarious!

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