Kish Mich

29 Dec

By Gutman Braun

This was many years ago, but I clearly remember descending the stairs, while disembarking from the EL-AL Boeing 747 upon its arrival in the Holy Land, when some (apparently holy) genius decided to go spread-eagle on the tarmac and kiss the grease.  With an amazing display of athleticism (that I never knew I had) I managed to dance over him and save the ground-kisser from the inevitable pile-driver that coulda have cost him some lost teeth and a couple broken ribs. Perhaps God does indeed protect fools once in a while?  What’s with this religious kissing of stuff?

I still mindlessly reach out and make contact with doorposts out of a Pavlovian attempt touch-and-kiss the mezuzah. I’ve been doing this since the second grade – and while I often find myself doing this at places such as banks, office buildings and the DMV, somehow I’ve never attempted it on a bathroom door.  Well trained, I must be.

Oh yeah, and when attending one of those miserable things they call a “simcha” I find myself accosted by men who desire to kiss me or have me kiss them. I don’t get this – I mean we belong to a religion that seems to be troubled by same-sex attraction, can’t we asser the male-on-male hug & kiss? Please?

What gives? We have Tzitzis kissing. Tefilin kissing. Book kissing. Scroll kissing. Some of the chassidically inclined have hand-kissing.  In fact the only kissing that seems to be frowned upon is kissing females (which is odd, since I seem to recall Yaakov Avinu went right-in for the smooch upon meeting the (as the Torah goes out of its way to describe as ) comely wife-to-be, Rochel.

So what’s with the hot lips for religious stuff and exclusively same-sex greetings? Is this a Nun kinda thing? Is this a way to relieve some homosexual tension? Next time a man in a hat tries to kiss me, I’m going to grab his face and plant a big wet one on his terrified, quivering lips. Kish mir in tuches, bicurio.

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4 Responses to “Kish Mich”

  1. Gutman Braun December 29, 2011 at 11:56 am #

    Itchemeyer, couldya please make an editorial change: Replace “Mir”, with “Mich.”
    (Many thanks to my favorite soldier for pointing it out)

  2. bendkaye December 30, 2011 at 1:27 am #

    Your right, frummies tend to claim kissing three year old girls is asur.

    There’s one thing you need to add – kissing 8 day baby penises to make sure there’s blood.

    But dude, that story is incredible 😉

  3. coinlaundryblog@gmail.com December 30, 2011 at 3:34 pm #

    Great observations!I enjoyed this post. Some more ideas on the topic here:
    http://coinlaundryblog.blogspot.com/2011/12/metacultural-oblivion.html

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