Do You Wear Your Kipah When You Masturbate?

31 Dec

By: B.K.

The effect of being recently “let go” from a yeshiva I spent nearly four years of my life at, caused severe episodes of clinical depression and boredom. Hours and hours of unfiltered, unrestricted internet access does, in fact hurt your soul after a given amount of time; possibly one thing the rebbeim were correct about. Fortunately, that is their one, to my four hundred and thirty two.

 The basic pornographic sites begin to lose their spark of pleasure as I boot up another incognito window for the third or fourth time that day. Fine, you got me, more like that hour.

 Parenthetically, here’s some food for thought: Part of my parental punishment is to be on amphetamines every day. No more of this, “Got a test today, better pop some Adderall,” attitude. No, it was borderline dixie cup of water, open your mouth, let me see you swallow situations going on at breakfast. And dammit, it wasn’t the feeling I got from it that bothered me. God only knows that I of all people need to be medicated- in fact the pulsing release of dopamine  was, and still is, sheer bliss as chills run up and down my spine, cursing out every insane thought or impulsive cell in my brain, producing calmness and the ability to think clearly. 

 
No. “changes in sex drive or ability…” — that was the real problem.

 MYTH: “Adderall may impair your ability to drive or operate heavy machinery…”

FACT: Speed shrinks your junk.

 This brings me back to the food for thought: How can something make you feel like you’re just discovering girls and hormones, while at the same time limiting an erection to anything but its fullest potential?

Imagine this: You’re home, you’re bored, you’re depressed. Memories repeat in your head as you plot, laugh, cry, wish, pray, and beg that Past You makes a different decision; this happens so often that you attempt to blur the memories together until your consciousness is satisfied with a plausible enough lie to replace the memory with. 

Meanwhile, pornhub, youporn, xhamster, and all the wonders google has to offer for a desperate ex-yeshiva guy.

 Dash your eyes back to my second paragraph – as I was saying, regular stuff gets gay real quick. Desperate to find stuff to fill my day that wasn’t sex, I compromised with the perfect hybrid of humor, masturbation, anonymity, conversation, girls, excitement, and once in a while some Jews: 

For all interested, please visit www.frumsatire.net 

 I kid, really it was www.Omegle.com . For all those who do not know, omegle is a tedious game of strategy and excitement with ample reward – boobs.

You spend a few minutes filtering through the dicks, maybe discuss strategies with a dude or two you come across in your quests’ for females, but once in a while you find a girl your age who’s hot- and I stress once in a while, as it is rare. Even once you find one, you must be interesting enough for her to not disconnect, and from then on dodge her intense sniper fire of questions (“Oh you’re 22, you say,” – I lied – “Well thats super cool, what’s it like being born in the nineties?”  A stealth attack. Answer correctly, hope to god she doesn’t ask for the month, and move on) And literally, every few hundred girls, you hit the holy grail of omegle – a girl who came there with the same thing in mind that you did.

 It was during one of these holy grail adventures that I thought of this post – her top was off, her boobs were almost uncovered, she was desecrating her innocence for my viewing pleasure , and in the midst of all this, I shook my head in disbelief to notice my kipah fall off. 

Of course, I tried to hide it, and, of course, god made her see it.

So, what’s your story….. Do you wear your kipah when you masturbate?

If this turns you on, you just might be in Yeshiva.

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17 Responses to “Do You Wear Your Kipah When You Masturbate?”

  1. Dan January 1, 2012 at 1:50 am #

    Great post. Love the pic.

  2. frum single female January 1, 2012 at 2:53 am #

    i see that you have found more things to write about…

    • itchemeyer January 1, 2012 at 3:27 pm #

      Well, this was a guest post, but yeah, maybe I just need to slow down to prevent burn out and get more guest posts.

  3. chaynobody January 1, 2012 at 3:08 pm #

    It’s interesting you bring this up now, cause one outcome of my growing disbelief in Judaism has been resuming masturbating (after 23 years of self control – and may I add – with no guilt whatsoever) and one issue that has been coming up on my mind – do I bother to take off my yarmulka for the session? Then I think – eh, why bother, it makes no difference either way…

    • itchemeyer January 1, 2012 at 3:23 pm #

      It’s funny, I’ve had the same thought while doing it and it looks like everyone has. BK- I think you hit on something deep here.

    • Adam January 3, 2012 at 1:35 am #

      23 years? I refuse to believe that that’s possible…

      • chaynobody January 3, 2012 at 2:04 am #

        Yup, it’s the honest-to-God-I’m-no-longer-sure-I-believe-in truth. Do with it what you will.
        Oh, and btw – I have 10 kids and they dont come from nowhere ya know…

  4. johnthesavage01 January 2, 2012 at 2:52 pm #

    Lol. I luv this site.

  5. Shaygetz January 3, 2012 at 1:25 am #

    It’s the only reason I ever take off my Yarmulke.

  6. AnonWannabe January 3, 2012 at 2:01 am #

    It usually balls in middle.

    *falls

    • itchemeyer January 3, 2012 at 1:29 pm #

      Nah, its usually balls in the middle for me too , unless somethings going seriously wrong. I like the name btw.

  7. woof January 3, 2012 at 9:45 pm #

    you blame yeshiva for your problems? blaming stuff for your problems is a recipe for failure. Adderall BTW has had a good effect on my junk. ::)

  8. MofoSex January 8, 2012 at 3:31 am #

    I think that as a frum Jew performing a non religious act, the first thing that would come to mind should be removing any Jewish signs. Besides the fact that performing a sex act against Judaism laws doesn’t leave much choice but to leave religious Judaism but that’s another story…

  9. Gutman Braun January 9, 2012 at 10:42 am #

    Gee, this one really seems to have struck a cord!
    Not since I was 18 have I given this topic much thought, but isn’t masturbation basically like cheap beer — I mean, you prefer the better stuff, but sometimes the advantages of it being easily available and accessible, with very little necessary investment, win out?
    The whole internet-interaction element is foreign territory (seems a bit high-tech for an older guy like me), but the yarmulka question is one to ponder…

  10. BA BT December 22, 2014 at 2:03 pm #

    Haha the ending of that story is perfect. I’m currently reducing my rate to 4x a month, and I generally take off my kippah to bring myself into a state of mindlessness (so that I don’t desensitize myself further by doing an aveira while thinking about it). BK, if you’re still struggling, may G-d grant you the wisdom to arrive soon at a combination of lifestyle changes (and/or meds) that will enable you to overcome the bout of depression! Thankfully my neurobiology is pretty splendid, but when I do get really down, nature, music, and chassidus usually help me to return to a place from which I can serve HaShem with joy and sincere gratitude.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Do you wear your yarmulke when you masturbate? - January 5, 2012

    […] friend of mine alerted me to the post with the title as this one on Yeshiva Forum, so I decided to answer the question. No, I don’t remove my yarmulke when I pleasure myself, […]

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