The Make A Wish Foundation

10 Jan

The Make-A-Wish Foundation is a really great organization, but I always wonder how it works. There’s a kid lying in bed in the hospital with some horrible incurable disease and a lady shows up from Make a wish.

Lady: “Hey, Timmy, I’m Linda from the Make a wish foundation. Remember we talked on the phone? Did you decide on what you wanted? Remember, you can have whatever you want.”

Timmy: “Except for a cure.”

L: “Right, except for a cure.”

T: “So I’m just going to like, keep on dying of this unimaginably painful disease, but I get to see Taylor Swift.”

L: “Yeah. Pretty much. Is that what you want?”

T: “Will she have sex with me?”

L: “Heh heh. No. I’m afraid not.

T: “Will you have sex with me?”

L: “Uh…no…Sorry.”

T: “Fuck. “

Old guy in the next bed: “I’m dying too. Can I see Taylor Swift?”

L: “Shh, old man, don’t be crazy. Old people don’t get wishes. Be happy you’re in a hospital.”

Old guy: “Haha! You got me there!”

Also, M-A-W is such a good, heart-warming organization, I’m nervous there’s some dark, disney-level twisted secret they’re hiding from us. Like maybe there’s a huge contract that nobody ever reads, except one studious little girl who goes through the whole thing right there before she signs it and gets to the fine print on page 147.

“Hey, this says I get to go to Disney World, but you get my soul.”

MAW Lady: “What? Let me see that…Yeah, it does say that. Let me make a call here….Hey, Barb, yeah it’s Linda….No everything is going fine. Little Samantha here has decided on Disney World…Right…Uh-huh…But apparently her contract says something about giving up her eternal soul. Obviously, some kind of joke, but…Are you serious?”

Then there’s a whole 60 minutes expose of a behind the scenes look at Make A Wish. Scott Pelley walks into the CEO’s office:

“Hi there, Mr. Zebub.”

“Please, call me Bill. You’re here for the behind the scenes look at our foundation, I imagine.”

“That’s right.”

“Please, follow me. Oh, watch your step. The computer cables are a mess there.”

 They go into this door off to the right of the office, and there’s a huge room full of volunteers sacrificing goats on smoking stone altars running over with blood.

“Haha! Well, Scott, there she is. That’s the wish room. All the magic happens here.”

“Uhh. Umm. What the hell is this all about?”

“What do you mean? The wishes have to come from somewhere, don’t they? You think Justin Bieber just shows up and brings you to Hawaii?”

“I…I thought you had donors…I thought you had a couple of overweight Jewish guys back here to meet me, I don’t know…What about all those balloon pictures with dollars people donate?”

“That? That barely covers staffing, salaries, overhead. Livestock really adds up when you’re running a full-time operation. And pay-offs…you think the city environmental department would tolerate all the fire and brimstone we go through? Forget about the next-world payoffs. I tell you, God doesn’t let go of his little children for cheap.” -Pelley’s just silent now, staring- “Hehe. Well, um, anyhoo, I guess that’s pretty much it for here…”

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6 Responses to “The Make A Wish Foundation”

  1. Gutman Braun January 10, 2012 at 4:39 pm #

    And that, friends, is why itchemeyer is the best in the business.
    That was awesome — You are an absolute inspiration, buddy

  2. BrainRants January 10, 2012 at 9:09 pm #

    Holy Shit Itch, you almost sound like I taught you how to write. This is just awesome. Could not have done better myself.

    • itchemeyer January 10, 2012 at 10:34 pm #

      I’m telling you, it’s that mind-meld, man. Thanks!

  3. El Guapo January 11, 2012 at 8:38 am #

    This story might be apocryphal, but I recall an M-A-W story where the kid wanted to hunt a bear.
    So they brought the kid a bear. And he shot him.
    Makes the goat room seem kind of tame…

    And couldn’t they just sacrifice Bieber instead?

    • itchemeyer January 11, 2012 at 7:57 pm #

      Thats what I call a frikkin wish center. Damn.

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