Eating Jewish

13 Jan

You ever learn that Gemara where Bruriah lists all the kosher foods that are stand-ins for non-kosher food, in order to show that even though we are commanded to sanctify ourselves, Judaism isn’t restrictive? What a preachy, party-line, pile of shit.*

There’s this girl I work with who is the nicest, most awesome person I know. I love talking to her and hanging out at work, but even though I’m dying to have a real relationship with her, I can’t, because, you guessed it, she’s not Jewish. And no matter that every sign in the world points to God dropping her in my lap, it’s too bad. So now, according to Bruriah, I’m supposed to find a Jewish girl to match up. But the chances of that happening are a million to one, because A) I’m not ready to commit to dating someone for marriage and 95% of the Jewish girls I would be compatible with are only interested in that, and B) she’s fucking PERFECT for me! But still, I’m trapped by this religion and religious culture I belong to. The only thing I can do is sit here and complain about it online. Well, I guess that’s one thing I can still do. I might have to eat the food you’re feeding me, but I don’t have to like it.**

*And something always rubbed me the wrong way about Bruriah. Always yelling at men to follow Halachah when they’re just making normal conversation or going about their day. What the hell! If you don’t like it, don’t do it. The non-stop preaching throughout the Gemara, to Ziddukim, etc. The most messed up part about her is how she died. You know that story? Basically, Bruriah has a fight with her husband, R’ Meir, whether women are emotionally flighty and therefore illogical- “Nashim daatan kalos hein”. Bruriah says no way. “I’m just as smart as you and can think just as clearly.”  R’ Meir coughs and mutters “cold-hearted kana’i”, “ehem, excuse me.” Bruriah says, “What was that?” R’ Meir answers, “Oh nothing. Just had something caught in my throat.” Bruriah still looks pissed so R’ Meir changes the subject and says “Let’s have a contest.” She agrees.

R’ Meir goes and tells one of his suavest students to seduce his wife. She refuses the guy’s advances, refuses, refuses, until one day she finally relents. R’ Meir jumps out and says, “Gotcha! Nashim daatan kalos hein. That means your parents aren’t coming here for pesach this-” But before he can finish, she kills herself. Yup, kills herself. She is so fragile and dependent on this super-frum shell that she created for herself, that she can’t face living without it. I really should feel bad for her, but she’s such a self-righteous kana’i that I don’t.

**I actually like Kosher food. That’s not the frikkin take home point here.

And Beth- I’m dying to see how you could turn this into kiruv.


18 Responses to “Eating Jewish”

  1. tesyaa January 13, 2012 at 10:04 am #

    Good one. Nicely captures the conflict between belonging (or being trapped in) a group and dreams of the forbidden. It’s not fair, we want to have our cake and eat it too.

  2. El Guapo January 13, 2012 at 10:09 am #

    In the end, I married a non-Jewish girl.
    We keep a kosher home, she has learned her way around a siddur, and whenever someone says But she isn’t Jewish (as my mother and one of my sisters did), my answer is She is the embodiment of every virtue every Rabbi has ever espoused. And I love her.
    And there is peace in our kingdom.

    • itchemeyer January 13, 2012 at 1:49 pm #

      Thats really interesting. Thanks.

    • confused January 24, 2012 at 9:47 am #

      yea but your kids arent jewish, bottom line and no way around it. she may be mother teresa but that doesnt make it ok. ofcourse if you dont believe in the torah, then your right who cares, but if you do (which you evidently do by the fact that you keep kosher) then you are probably very confused. your argument is basically “i know the torah doesnt allow it but i like it and it makes me feel good so surely god is cool with it.” what i wanna know is why didnt she convert?

  3. Dan January 13, 2012 at 11:42 am #

    Not reading it not reading it not reading it. I already read it on frumsatire. We used to get the posts first.

    • itchemeyer January 13, 2012 at 1:45 pm #

      The scheduling got screwed up somehow. I just went on today and found it hadnt gone up.

  4. Tinok ShenishBeth January 13, 2012 at 2:24 pm #

    Hey… This looks familiar?! I’ll respond as I did previously:

    Oh my beloved Itche Meyer… *Sigh*

    Lets start with this, to spite what they tell you boychiks in Yeshiva, goyish girls are dating for marriage too.  So if you’re not ready to date a Jewish girl because you’re not ready to settle down – then you are also not ready to date this ‘perfect’ girl.  The ‘shiksas are for practice’ thing is mean and it pretty much makes you a douche.  (Don’t be a douche, dude.)

    Further, remember your feelings are not facts. If you are a youngish person struggling with your religious identity and experiencing emotional conflict regarding what path to take in life, when you meet the ‘perfect’ girl – one who represents something completely different to what you know – your feelings for her may be a manifestation of a whole lot of things. Now she may be the ‘perfect girl’ – but it’s best to be sure what’s the really realz before dragging her into your existential crisis. (This is also falls under the category of not being a douche.)

    If you and ‘perfect girl’ were meant to be together she has to convert. (Or your Mother is going to have to sit shiva for you.) Technically, she has to choose a Jewish life independent of you. The best way to ‘inspire’ her conversion is by being the best Jew you can be and thereby showing her the beauty of our collective insanity…er…religion.  (Another reason to avoid the abovementioned douchery.) If HaShem did drop her in your lap, he will also call her to him.  

    Now…  Close your eyes and try to imagine your future children and think of them on the day of their wedding.  Is there a Chuppah in this mental picture of yours?  Or is your daughter standing in front of a giant Crucifix?  Did the Rabbi just say Sheva Brachot before your son shatters the glass?  Or did a priest just make the sign of the cross and utter ‘in Jesus’ name, Amen?’   

    As yourself which picture are you comfortable with?  Cause you likely can’t date goyim and get the chuppah/Rabbi. Just saying…

    • Dan January 13, 2012 at 3:23 pm #

      Yeah, I’ve been in a secular environment now for a year and a half, and haven’t gotten any practice.

      Of course, most of the people here are still Jewish. But I think non-frum girls are for practice.
      Heck, apparently Stern girls are for practice these days.

      Then, just you wait till I get my chesty esti.

      • Tinok ShenishBeth January 13, 2012 at 3:54 pm #

        Still Jewish?

        • Dan January 13, 2012 at 4:01 pm #

          Still. Not only were most of the people in yeshiva jewish as can be expected, but most of the people in [redacted] are still jewish even though it is a secular place.

  5. Gutman Braun January 17, 2012 at 11:26 am #

    I always got the impression that Bruriah was a model for what Jewish girls shouldn’t be. The message that we got from the tale of bitchy Bruriah — in yeshiva anyway — was that girls who think they can play in the boys’ sandbox should come to a bitter end.

    (And what’s with Reb Meyer always hangin’ out with the troublemakers? He’s like the annoying good kid who somehow maintains his squeaky-clean image even while he moonlights and parties hard with (OTD-Hall-of-Famer) Acher, and marries the hot, bi-sexual, bad-ass chick – yet, still gets money from the elteren and and holds down a spot on the moetzes. WTF? Oh, wait, hmmmmmm, that sounds a little bit like me)

    • itchemeyer January 17, 2012 at 9:39 pm #

      Thats interesting. I wonder if thats why they put that story in. They have a lot of ‘positive’ bitchy stories about her though (like talking back to ziddukim). Maybe they just felt that the way she died was messed up and intriguing, no clear lessons. I always think WE learn more lessons out of aggadah, tanach, medrash, than they ever meant to put in. Sometimes they just had a great story and wanted to put it in. Why not?

      I was going to say they were more relaxed in those days, but didnt R meir get censored out of the mishnah?

      Hold on- you married a hot bisexual bad ass chick and never told me? Well, Ill forgive you on one condition- details, details !

      • Gutman Braun January 18, 2012 at 11:44 am #

        Good point, Itche. Could be.
        R Meir did got in trouble, but it was for not giving-up the proper kavod (end of Mes. Horios I think), but it wasn’t for hanging with the wrong crowd, and even there they say how they still trusted and relied on him.

        OK, OK, sorry ’bout that — no need to get excited, I have a flair for exaggeration at times 🙂

  6. so annoying January 24, 2012 at 9:55 am #

    so basically there is this girl you like…and you dont think there is any jewish girl in the world that you would like…and evidently all jewish girls are orthodox which is why you cant date jewish girls…because you mainly want to date…and not get married yet…

    you do realize that 90 percent of jewish girls are secular right? are you seriously telling me that not one of them fits your bill? (and btw you misunderstood what bruria meant). i just found this blog today and im thoroughly confused by it. who are you upset at and why? if you dont believe in religion, then drop it, if you do then keep it, this middle of the fence bs is making you miserable. pick a side and stick to it, enough with the, ” if only i wasnt religious then i wouldnt feel bad right now that im jerking off” crap.

    • itchemeyer January 24, 2012 at 10:36 am #

      Let me ask you this- r u a frum guy? I don’t think you are, and I think you’re not getting it.

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