Picking A Winner

31 Jan

I have come to the conclusion that there really are only two kinds of people in the world. Women/men, black/white, child/adult, have/have not, not as important. The main divide is optimist/pessimist. You may call it something else, like winners and losers, disenfranchised vs. doers, whatever, it all boils down to one idea: Do you feel you have control over your life or not? Everything else in your life is meaningless besides for this. Whatever you do, where ever you go, your happiness/mental state/satisfaction will be determined by this one question.

Now, being a long-standing member of the Losers club, I have been granted the awesome power to be able to recognize current and future members of the group. It’s a pretty useless ability, of course, but I wouldn’t really like a useful one anyway. The ability to amuse myself is more than enough for me. If I had a classic super-power, like shooting webs, I’d use it for the same thing. Flying around, yes. Grabbing shit from the fridge, yes. Fighting crime? Ehh- what kind of dent could I make in that department anyway? Better to leave it to the professionals. And who needs the added guilt for sitting on my ass? Mo’ powers, mo’ problems, I say.

Anyhow, my power isn’t entirely mystical. Some of it is based on tiny observations. Like if I’m at shul, and I’m davening and disassociated, it doesn’t mean my brain is just shut off. It’s gone into super-observation mode. I see the look on the 16 year old’s face as the Gabbai corrects him when taking the Torah. A split second break in his perpetual smile to reveal a terrorized face, followed by a super-fast smile reattachment. Only the truly beaten-down can master that. Welcome to the club, future member. The kid being shushed by his baal teshuva father. We accept members who’ve cut off cute curly peyos.

Come join me at the kiddush. I’ll be there having too many shots, and trying to push the Rabbi into a full-blown shouting match for reasons I don’t quite understand. Welcome to your world. I know it’s hard now, but the sooner you embrace it, the sooner I can feel smart about picking you out of the crowd. Plus, I have no problem getting you booze at 16. That’s a membership perk.

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3 Responses to “Picking A Winner”

  1. frum single female January 31, 2012 at 8:10 pm #

    excellent post.

  2. johnthesavage01 January 31, 2012 at 11:47 pm #

    Damn…. someone needs a pick me up.

    I’ve also been having similar thoughts lately. Specifically how can one divide people as either optimists or pessimists. Lol. Unfortunately I too fall in the latter group. Oh well.

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