Shabbos Showers

16 Feb

It usually starts like this: You run around Friday afternoon trying to fit in all the important stuff you need to do before shabbos, like buy beer, go to the library, and pick up the cleaners. You get home with an hour and a half left to 1) grab a piece of kugel, 2) check out the new simpsons, 3) take a shower, 4) shave, 5) get dressed, 6) have a last minute cigarette, and head off to shul, the time carefully approximated in your head. You’re on schedule, taking your shower, when suddenly you’re blindsided.

You hear the pipes going a split second before it happens, your brain barely has enough time to register an attack, and suddenly the water changes to freezing rain. You jump out of the way and try to make it hotter, but you go a micron too far, and now it’s a lava storm. You just slap the faucet off as fast as you can and stand there freezing and somewhere in the back of your mind, a deep voice goes “Ding! Shower battle engaged.”

The best way to handle this is shock and awe. You put your soap on and turn the dial to super hot without getting in. You wait two seconds for the other shower warrior to turn his all the way up, and then spin yours back to normal. Now he turns off his flamethrower water and you get to go in as long as you can. Usually this is 7.3 seconds, or the part where you’re washing a very sensitive area. Shower battle resumes and your balls bunch up into your stomach as the water hits you like some kind of Arctic waterfall.

You try to be tough and just go in, but your nerves are starting to shut down, and you know it’s just not worth it. You take a breather and then enter once more for close combat. You can’t think. You must rely on instinct, reacting to each minute change in temperature. You hear the pressure getting lower, and instinctively move the faucet a bit colder. Your efforts are rewarded as you dodge the near-certain face melting blast, keeping the temperature steady.

Your right hand adjusting the dial, your left checking for soapy areas, you have this one in the bag. The pipes make more noise. Victory at last! But wait- the water just went fires of Mt. Doom again. How the-? And then, all at once, you remember the third shower, and a red light goes on in your mind, and the deep voice says, “A new challenger has entered. MORTAL SHOWER COMBAT!!!”

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8 Responses to “Shabbos Showers”

  1. tesyaa February 16, 2012 at 7:09 am #

    It would take all the fun away, but just get a larger water heater… duh. 6 kids and we never run out of hot water.

    It should be one of those frum requirements, like a third dishwasher and a built in bug lamp.

    • itchemeyer February 16, 2012 at 10:42 am #

      How would enter shabbos all pissed off then?

  2. Dan February 16, 2012 at 9:48 am #

    In my yeshiva, you had to watch for someone flushing the toilet while you were in the shower. You were supposed to yell “Flushing!” when you did so.

    • itchemeyer February 16, 2012 at 10:42 am #

      Haha! That is classic yeshiva.

      • tesyaa February 16, 2012 at 12:06 pm #

        Classic everywhere. Same issue in secular college dorm. Similar rule about warning when flushing was about to occur.

        Why do yeshiva guys think they’re sooooo unique? 🙂

        • Dan February 16, 2012 at 1:06 pm #

          No, we are so unique. I’m in grad school now, and my experiences were that unique.

          • Dan February 16, 2012 at 2:29 pm #

            And anyway, I’m a unique special snowflake. You’re just a generic raindrop.

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