Yeshiva Home Ec

28 Feb

Some people think that Yeshiva sets you up for failure in life by not teaching you any so-called “life skills”. All you do, they say, is learn texts that have no practical application until your parents run out of money to support you, and then, at 26 years old, you have to go find a job that can support your wife and 2+ kids. These complainers also say that Rebbeim know about these problems and lie to the students who trust them the most in order to perpetuate a failing kollel system.

These people are correct, of course. However, there are certain practical things you learn in Yeshiva that are overlooked. Specifically, how to make crappy food taste good. And given the probable state of your finances for the rest of your life, these tips will really help you out down the line.

#1: Got some old hard yeshiva bread? Melt a stick of string cheese in the microwave for 8-10 seconds and pour it over the thing. It’s like eating fondue at a fraction of the cost. Plus, you get in your protein and good carbs.

#2: Don’t spend money on expensive spices. A combination of lemon juice, mayo, mustard, one kind of powder (onion, etc.), salt, barbecue sauce and hot sauce will make anything taste gourmet. 3 times leftover hard chicken? Chop it up, play around with the sauces, and you’ve got yourself something edible. Some kind of fish thing? Lemon juice and some other crap will make you think you’re eating actual fish. Middle-eastern mystery meat? Avoid that like the plague. No, seriously, that can’t be saved. Trust me,  it’ll run through your intestines like a terrorist on crack.

#3: Get to know peanut butter and jelly again. I know you’ve had some rough times with them in the past, but they’ve changed. You need to work together to survive now.

#4: You don’t need a number 4. Go back to #2 and put some more effort in.

Get creative and good luck!

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4 Responses to “Yeshiva Home Ec”

  1. frum single female February 28, 2012 at 11:16 pm #

    love the picture of the hotdogs on the radiator!

    • itchemeyer February 28, 2012 at 11:40 pm #

      🙂
      Btw, I haven’t been able to comment on your blog for like a month now. It gives me some kind of login error. Maybe it’s a wordpress/blogspot thing.

  2. Tinok ShenishBeth February 29, 2012 at 7:11 am #

    Just make sure you don’t try and melt string cheese on your fleshig space heater.

    • itchemeyer February 29, 2012 at 11:59 am #

      That’s right. Cheese is only in the microwave or for pretend smoking s cigar inside the house.

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