I feel old and tired of all this shit.

11 Mar

I keep getting this horrible feeling. The window’s shut. It’s impossible to make real friends anymore. There’s just this barrier that I’ve put up that I can’t take down for anybody anymore. Anyone that “friends” me is really just attaching themselves to this shell. Ironically, I’m usually busy attaching myself to their shell. And slowly it settles in that most of the relationship has nothing to do with either of us, and I just get more and more uncomfortable having to keep up the shell until I retreat back into my own world.

I keep thinking of when we were kids. How, even when it sucked, there was always this sense of brotherhood. I didn’t have such a strong shell then. Real things still came out.

Now, I think of all the old places, the shabboses, the lag baomer trips, the punchball games in the park, the drug needles we used to find, the staying out till the last second of recess to run and play and hide and pretend. I think of it fondly at first, and then the memory turns so real I need to stop it before I break down and cry in the car.

It’s weird. I see a body mangled in an accident on the highway, and I don’t give the person a thought. But I think of playing on the statues in the park and I lose it.

I try to connect with old friends, but they’ve scattered all over with new responsibilities, new friends, new lives. I don’t mind. I just want to sit with them and talk about anything, or be silent, or just smile. But it never works out like that anymore…

I try to reach the old you past the superficial, big-man talk you always put up, and then someone else breaks in, and we compare dick sizes until we all have to leave and I end up with my real self trying to scream, “Wait! Wait! We haven’t even said one word to each other and I’d rather stay than do anything else in the whole world.” But I just can’t get that out. And the best I can come up with is, “We should do this again.” And, “Find me on facebook”. But I don’t want to find you on facebook with your wife and kids and your co-workers making burgers at your accounting firm barbecue. I want to see YOU again. And I want you to be there for me like you said you would when we played in the van on the way home. And no, I haven’t forgotten any of that. And I don’t forgive you. And I want you to come here, because when I call you out of the blue and say “Hey, what’s going on?”, you should know that means I need you.

If we could just be ourselves again, then maybe everything would go back to the way it was, and I wouldn’t feel so fucking old and tired of this place.

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8 Responses to “I feel old and tired of all this shit.”

  1. bestbathroombooks March 11, 2012 at 3:15 am #

    Yeah, sometimes it gets old. But you gotta keep going. I’ve gotta subscribe now. Don’t know what I was thinking.

  2. Lex Luthor March 11, 2012 at 1:22 pm #

    I normally can’t stand such introverted writing. But this is really good. I’m captivated.

    • offthdwannab May 4, 2016 at 12:04 am #

      Nice backhanded compliment. Hey you’re an interesting shit!

  3. There is no there there (cliche #1) March 12, 2012 at 7:25 pm #

    You can’t go home again (cliche #2).

    …but there are other “there’s,” other “homes.” Ones in which, possibly, decades from now, you may look back at much the way you look back on the kids in the van right now.

  4. savorthefolly March 21, 2012 at 9:47 pm #

    I get what you mean. People tend to stay at the surface and not go deeper, and it can be pretty unsatisfying. I have often wondered how men do it. It seems like men don’t really go down into those more vulnerable feelings, at least not with each other. For women that’s a big part of the friendship – to show your softer more vulnerable side and know the other women will be tender with you. I think most men tend to get that stuff from the women in their lives. I get the impression that some men have male friends where they can go deep like that, but it seems like in those cases it’s guys who have been friends many years and have stayed close that whole time. Maybe those guys had good relationships with their dad’s and that gave them a good foundation to know how to be close to another man without feeling emasculated? Just a few thoughts.

    • itchemeyer March 22, 2012 at 7:05 am #

      That makes a lot of sense. I have a horrible relationship with my father.

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