Best Comment On Crazy Shidduch Article

21 Mar

Since this crazy Jewish Press Yitta Halberstam article is all over the place now, I felt I was morally responsible to weigh in with my own take on the issue. Obviously, after much research, I found my opinion to be the most intelligent, sharpest one out there. Unfortunately, before I could post it, I found a better comment on Finkorswim and had to do something unthinkable, let another person talk:



I think its time we all agree that looks matter. if there is no attraction, there will not be a real chance at a successful marriage.  That said, if we dont allow people to meet eachother then there is no point in having this discussion to begin with.

Furthermore, if we never allow boy and girls (and i say boys and girls because i am talking about when they are young) to be together in the same room, and see eachother, and the only image that boys have of girls, are the pictures they sneak a glance at in magazines or TV or movies, then what will they be attracted to? the girls who make it into movies, TV, and magazines.  And lets face it, not many girls, and not many jewish girls, will look like that.  So now we have created boys with an unrealistic expectation.

On the flip side, if girls dont hang out with or see boys, they are left to imagine based on what they are told is desirable (a guy who sets aside time to learn, but not only daf yomi, but like hours at a time; who never misses minyan; who is always there to help around the house with the kids; who is able to support a family (with a job or rich parents); who is home at night for dinner; etc… This guy does not exist. unrealistic expectations are created and fostered by both sides.

its time to scrap this model and return to the old successful model that our parents used:
1. meet lots of different people
2. date lots of different people
3. get rejected and reject others in person (not through an intermediary, this will serve to instill interpersonal skills and knock people off their pedestals)
4. date longer than they do on The Bachelor
5. Have a more normal and meaningful interaction with people based on who they are, not what a resume or third party says about them.


*Clap! clap! clap! clap!* Common sense is amazing.


4 Responses to “Best Comment On Crazy Shidduch Article”

  1. Dan March 21, 2012 at 7:07 pm #

    No need to theorize, there is empirical evidence.

    We have communities who do that. Notably, the Jewish Press readership does that.

    I haven’t heard any claims that their marriages are better, that they have a higher marriage rate, that they have more successful dating, or less dating problems.

    • itchemeyer March 22, 2012 at 7:03 am #

      No, there is a need to theorize because as always there’s zero research or data to work with. “I haven’t heard any claims” is basically at the level of scientific fact in the frum community.

      All we can do is watch everything get more and more f’d up and then make everything all better by saying, “Well, they have problems too.” Every system in the world has problems. But some are better than others. I think if someone could pay a team to do some actual surveys, or anything actually worth a damn, we could make real headway. Right now, as well-intentioned as people may be, they’re just shooting into the fog.

  2. Princess Lea March 26, 2012 at 9:49 am #

    The problem also is that people are taking this article at face value. This lady, bless her heart, has an “amazing” single son – and she wants the world to know it. She’s not stuck with a daughter, thank God.

    When I read things like that, I don’t take them seriously. Because she isn’t even being honest about her own motives. And if she had a single 25 year old daughter at home? Her article would be, “Men are insensitive, shallow shmos.”

    • itchemeyer March 26, 2012 at 6:23 pm #

      You’re probably right. This smelled a lot like JMS, you know Jewish Mother Syndrome

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