A Dating Dilemma, or Why It Would Kick Ass To Be Gay.

17 May

They say that it’s best to marry someone with similar values. I totally agree. Theoretically. Practically speaking though, women and men have the most dissimilar values of any two peoples on Earth. Is that too much 0f a generality? I don’t know for sure. Maybe I should limit this to the man I know best- me – and the women I know best – frum girls (even though I really don’t know a whole mass of frum females). Provisos accounted for, here is how an honest conversation of values would go for me:

Girl: Hey, have any values?

Me: Umm…

Girl: Like, what do you want out of this relationship?

Me: Uh, well, you see…

Girl: Ok, I’ll go first. I want to have a friend, a soul mate, someone I can trust with everything and feel comfortable with whatever I say or do.

Me: Definitely! That’s great. We’re totally compatible.

Girl: OK, now you go.

Me: Um, what do you mean? I need to talk more now?

Girl: Oh, come on, don’t be like that… OK, I see us married and living about an hour from my parents and you learn at night with a chavrusa, and the kids go to a Yeshiva that’s frum, but cares about English- you know, actually values college and working people. Maybe Far Rockaway. I want to go into massage therapy, I think it’s only a 2 year program, and in a couple of years we’ll buy a house, and maybe Chani or Rivky will be living nearby, and we can go on vacations together, like to Florida or Las Vegas! I mean, there’s kosher food there, but it’s a LOT of fun. Ok, so what do you see down the road?

Me: Us having sex….Um…A lot?

Girl: Okaay…But in 5 years?

Me: 5 years?…You’ll still be really hot then. Wow, we’ll probably be doing everything. 5 years? We’ll probably be watching pronos to find cool stuff to do.

Girl: Ok. I get it. And our kids? Do you think they should be in a more relaxed Yeshiva?

Me: Uh, yeah, kids? Whatever.

Girl: What do you mean? What about where we’ll live?

Me: I don’t care.

Girl: Near our family? Our friends? What shul will you go to? Will you be learning?

Me: I don’t care.

Girl: What do you mean you don’t care? You have to care. What do you think about? What do you want?

Me: I just told you. Like a second ago.

Girl: What if we don’t have kids? What if they go to public school? What if your family doesn’t like me, or mine don’t like you, or there’s a terrorist attack, or we win the lottery, or you get a different job and have to move? Will we move away from here?

Me: Uhh, whichever way we keep having sex…We’re, uh, we’re still good, right?…………Umm, any chance you wanna get started now?

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17 Responses to “A Dating Dilemma, or Why It Would Kick Ass To Be Gay.”

  1. What I Desired To Say May 17, 2012 at 4:53 pm #

    Oy vey! That’s WAY too much on a 1st, 2nd or even 45th date.

  2. Tinok ShenishBeth May 17, 2012 at 5:50 pm #

    This is wicked funny! You need someone to write the other side, the frum girl’s view.

  3. bestbathroombooks May 18, 2012 at 12:30 am #

    I don’t think your answers are unreasonable. You should be having smoking hot sex five years after you’re married. That’s just when it starts getting good.

  4. frumgirl May 21, 2012 at 1:06 am #

    i could write the frum girls side

    • itchemeyer May 21, 2012 at 1:21 am #

      That would be awesome. Just email it to me and I’ll post it under the name you want.

      • frumgirl May 21, 2012 at 1:46 am #

        Oh it’ll probably fit right here…

        Guy: Hey, um have any values?

        Me: Well my high school principal told me that I’m supposed to put on makeup for you and invest in an extra-long blonde sheitel to wear when were doin it. “Lack of tznius is for your husband’s eyes only. Make the poor bastard weak at the knees..but to everyone else hide your femininity if you know whats good for you”
        So..apparently my g-d given values are to make you happy and keep you satisfied. I make a mean cholent too. What other values can I possibly have?

        Guy: Sounds good. Were definitely compatible in that case. Whens the wedding.

        • itchemeyer May 21, 2012 at 5:57 am #

          Thats kind of short. Do you have anything more to flesh it out for a post? Actually, I would love if you could write all your thoughts down in a whole post. Like a rant, or whatever style you feel would work best. I have no clue what goes on in frum girls minds and I’m dying to hear more. I think a lot of other guys would love to hear it too straight up. Dont worry, we’re all anonymous. Just let the nasty flow. Did you see the tagline for this site?

  5. frumgirl May 21, 2012 at 2:44 pm #

    yeah saw the tagline. not worried about my anonymity. ill see what i can crank out. i actually loved yeshiva nights. i can prob get my angst out on that topic…

  6. For Real May 21, 2012 at 7:36 pm #

    Now we know what Frumgirl’s principal does in bed…..Damn, my HS just gave us fluffy lectures about our values and not to expect a Disney prince, Frumgirl lucked out!

    • itchemeyer May 21, 2012 at 8:51 pm #

      Lol “Hypothetically, girls, if your husband wants you to, say, tickle his asshole, like so…”

      • For Real May 23, 2012 at 7:02 pm #

        Considering that I attended a school that had a male and a female principal at different times when I was there, I’m just wondering which one would’ve demonstrated…(lost appetite for first time in months)

  7. sagacious December 10, 2013 at 12:30 pm #

    If this article is satire, it’s mediocre. If it’s an honest reflection of what the writer thinks the average yeshiva guy’s values (or lack thereof) are,then he really is a loser.

    • Anonymous December 10, 2013 at 12:47 pm #

      Thanks asshole.

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