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Ask An Old Jewish Man

28 Aug

Harry Krupnik, aka “Old Jewish Man”, answers your questions:

Dear Old Jewish Man,

Why do you never see baby seagulls?

Bensonhurst Birdwatcher

Dear Bensonhurst,

Excellent question. Baby seagulls live on seagull island, a secret place full of wonder and poop that no human being has ever returned from. We only know about it’s existence through a sea turtle that was taught to use sign language.

Dear OJM,

Why is Kedem wine so delicious?

Anonymous Alcy

Dear Alcy,

Kedem wine company has a long and storied history going back to over 100 years ago when it was owned by Baron Herzog in Hungary and produced wine for the king. To answer your question more precisely, massive amounts of sugar plus alcohol.

Dear OJM,

What’s your secret to a long and happy life?

Depressed in Denver

Dear Depressed,

It’s no secret- it’s the little things in life that’ll kill you. They just gather and gather until one day they explode. So find out what’s eating you and deal with it.

On a personal note, my brother always used to put things down and forget them. One day he couldn’t find his coffee until it had gotten ice cold and he drank it. He made an aweful face and dropped like a stone. My mother, may she rest in peace, could never find the cordless until it stopped ringing. She got so fed up that she threw out all the cordless phones and replaced them with corded ones. Unfortunately, she could never get used to them and one time, when she was busy cooking and cleaning, she answered the phone and hung herself.

I’ve since trained myself to drink ice coffee and given up talking altogether. I couldn’t be happier. I also inject heroin intravenously.