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Why does Apple still think it’s cool?

15 Sep


Have you seen the new iphones? I’m super impressed by the advertising. Not really. The fact is Apple can sell anything. The marketing is just ridiculous by now though.

Here’s the new iphone page. Right in the middle is the product splash. On the bottom, of course, same stupid videos people in 1999 couldn’t get enough of. This year we have some clone of Steve jobs taking his place doing a promo. In the middle, authoritative tech guy with an Australian accent (Im assuming, I havent seen the video) somehow pulling off a v-neck at 50 -respect- And on the right, a video showing how you can become  accepted by your betters. The genius part this year is the introduction of two classes of iphones.

The lower class is the 5c, where c stands for cheap and cute, and the higher one is the 5s, for serious and superior. The reason apple had to make the lower class this year is because once Apple released its phone to all wireless carriers, it became not special. The carriers decided to give it away cheap with a plan and suddenly, every  kollel guy has an iphone 4. The iphone 5’s higher price didn’t make any difference because even though the technology is a little different, it looks and feels the exact same as the free one and is too obviously just a rip-off for douches. Apple stopped being special shiny crap, and just regular old crap. What they needed was some top-down product segregation, the old fashioned way. One that lets people know immediately if you’re white or black. Or colored. Colored is a good word here actually because that’s exactly how people know if you’re a joke or not. The 5c is plastic and colorful (tagline: ‘For the colorful.’  Brilliant.)  And the 5s is metal, with only 3 metallicy serious colors (it comes in actual Silver and Gold this year, along with I’m on a super serious call right now Grey). So basically, if you’re a kid from a poor family you can have the 5c. If you’re an adult, it comes with a ‘Kick me’ sign.


You Know You Want It

10 Jun

You ever have an experience that’s so good, it makes you stop whatever you’re doing and go, “Wow, oh my God.”  Like the rest of your life, whatever else you’re doing or involved in or on the way to do, just pales in comparison, just dissipates, more and more, as your focus is shifted onto the sublime experience you’ve become enraptured by. And it’s like your entire life before this experience seems gray and dull when you realize you’ve lived it without this explosion of impossibly vibrant, impossibly beautiful, impossibly rich, heady, pleasure. 

Oy….cheese babka, people. You know what I’m talking about. If chas veshalom you don’t, go get some. Right now. Stop reading. Get off your chair and get some whichever way you can. Steal money from a loved one. Punch out an old person on the street and take $5.95 from their purse/fanny pack. And eat as much as you want. Break your diet. You have the rest of your life to worry about your diabetes. Cheese babka is now.

A Dating Dilemma, or Why It Would Kick Ass To Be Gay.

17 May

They say that it’s best to marry someone with similar values. I totally agree. Theoretically. Practically speaking though, women and men have the most dissimilar values of any two peoples on Earth. Is that too much 0f a generality? I don’t know for sure. Maybe I should limit this to the man I know best- me – and the women I know best – frum girls (even though I really don’t know a whole mass of frum females). Provisos accounted for, here is how an honest conversation of values would go for me:

Girl: Hey, have any values?

Me: Umm…

Girl: Like, what do you want out of this relationship?

Me: Uh, well, you see…

Girl: Ok, I’ll go first. I want to have a friend, a soul mate, someone I can trust with everything and feel comfortable with whatever I say or do.

Me: Definitely! That’s great. We’re totally compatible.

Girl: OK, now you go.

Me: Um, what do you mean? I need to talk more now?

Girl: Oh, come on, don’t be like that… OK, I see us married and living about an hour from my parents and you learn at night with a chavrusa, and the kids go to a Yeshiva that’s frum, but cares about English- you know, actually values college and working people. Maybe Far Rockaway. I want to go into massage therapy, I think it’s only a 2 year program, and in a couple of years we’ll buy a house, and maybe Chani or Rivky will be living nearby, and we can go on vacations together, like to Florida or Las Vegas! I mean, there’s kosher food there, but it’s a LOT of fun. Ok, so what do you see down the road?

Me: Us having sex….Um…A lot?

Girl: Okaay…But in 5 years?

Me: 5 years?…You’ll still be really hot then. Wow, we’ll probably be doing everything. 5 years? We’ll probably be watching pronos to find cool stuff to do.

Girl: Ok. I get it. And our kids? Do you think they should be in a more relaxed Yeshiva?

Me: Uh, yeah, kids? Whatever.

Girl: What do you mean? What about where we’ll live?

Me: I don’t care.

Girl: Near our family? Our friends? What shul will you go to? Will you be learning?

Me: I don’t care.

Girl: What do you mean you don’t care? You have to care. What do you think about? What do you want?

Me: I just told you. Like a second ago.

Girl: What if we don’t have kids? What if they go to public school? What if your family doesn’t like me, or mine don’t like you, or there’s a terrorist attack, or we win the lottery, or you get a different job and have to move? Will we move away from here?

Me: Uhh, whichever way we keep having sex…We’re, uh, we’re still good, right?…………Umm, any chance you wanna get started now?

Chinuch Roundtable: Is it worse to talk to girls online or in person?

29 Apr


Heshy Fried from Frumsatire put this question out as a frumsatire take-off of the heilegeh Yated’s “Chinuch Roundtable”. Here’s my answer (Note: There’s some yiddish here):

As part of our chinuch roundtable, we posed this week’s question to Rav Yosef Moshe Horowitz, Rosh Yeshiva, Yeshivas Chofetz Chlayim, a well respected yeshiva in Lakewood, NJ. (Not to be confused with Yeshiva Chofetz Chaim, a farkrumteh, modernishe ’Yeshiva’ in Queens, NY.) Rav Horowitz is a well-known musmach of heintegeh gedolim and a pedagogue par exellance, world-renowned for his brilliant erudition and expert advice on major issues of our dor, from the shidduch crisis to the sheitel crisis. 

The general taivah you’re referring to has nebech been around as long as Jews have lived in America, ubber my talmidim have told me that in the last few months there has been epes a zach called “Chatrooms”, where boys and girls mamesh sit and talk to each other with no busha bichlal. And it’s worse than that. Amul, you had to sneak around friday night to chap a schmooze with girls or get a quick handjob in the shul parking lot and shoyn, ge’endig, that was it. Today, it’s much more dangerous. Bochurim have told me that they’ve had long conversations and developed something called “feelings” for girls. These are very strong  attachments that are mamesh created inside a mensh. Niflaos Haboirei! One bochur described them as similar to kana’us, ubber fakert.

Clearly, this Online Chatting is much more serious than talking to girls in person. In fact, I saw a teshuvah included in the definitive new Chidushei Maran HaGri”z (smackdown edition, 2012), where the Rav is asked, and I’m translating directly from the hebrew, ”Now that you’re in the twilight of your life, having witnessed firsthand the tremendous positive and negative impacts of so many breakthroughs in technology, what are your thoughts on the future of mankind?”, the Rav writes back, ”Assur.”

Gradah, derech agav, in our yeshiva, we’ve set up a service streaming porn 24/7 over wifi to take care of this shreklecheh matziv. Al tiftach peh, but Baruch hashem we haven’t had a single episode of talking to girls this entire year.

Heshy, a groiseh y’shkoiach for making this issue public.

Kol Tuv,

Yossel Meisheh Horowitz (shlit”a)

Here’s my proposed question for next week:

Dear Chinuch Roundtable,

My 4 year old son recently started asking me all kinds of questions about the nature of Hashem. Questions like, “how strong is he?” “How old is he?” When I try to give him an honest answer, like “We dont know exactly”, he counters with “But why?” He has answers, not questions. Unfortunately, due to legal concerns, I cant throw him out of the house yet, and he is still corrupting my other children, ages 1 and 2, with his apikursus. What should I do?

Hmm? What’s your answer?

Facebook teaches you how much of a pervert you actually are

18 Apr

Imagine life worked like it did on facebook. You’d get to be friends with so many more people you can relate to, you talk to interesting people all the time, and you go through their drawers looking for bikini pictures. A second after you meet them. (Or a second before.)

It must be awesome being a hot semi-hot girl on facebook. Anything you post will automatically get a whole slew of  “lol!”s and “omfg, hilarious!”s. (“But…but that was my actual cat that just died”.) It must be great for your self-esteem. If it was me, probably in about a month I’d start thinking I was like one step above Ghandi, Seinfeld and Churchill. 

Another thing that gets quickly rearranged is your idea of your own priorities. You thought you were a good person. But actually you just put an important conversation with your friend on hold for 5 minutes because your crops came in in Farmville. And you don’t comment on anything other than jokes. And apparently, you’re not friends with any member of your actual family.

Now, to feel better about yourself, check these out.

Creative Writing And Masturbation

16 Mar

writing and masturbating

Here’s a great article from points in case to keep you busy while I do something with family this weekend to gather more material. For reasons unknown to me, linking you to the site magical turns this into non-plagiarism:

Creative Writing and Masturbation Have a Lot in Common

It’s just you and your laptop, banging one out together.

By Bill Dixon

I wouldn’t dare call myself an expert in creative writing. Although it’s something I do daily, it feels pretentious to apply a hierarchical model to the creation of art. Words like “expert” or “professional” seem silly when applied to something as arbitrary as creativity.

The fruits of your labor come in spurts. This is the classic writer’s cop-out, deputized at Thanksgiving when you return home from whichever metropolis you have chosen to sublet a closet-sized bedroom. Family and friends ask you how the “writing thing” is going and you regurgitate the prepared statement you concocted at the airport while scanning the never-ending parade of black luggage as it spilled onto the conveyor belt at baggage claim.

You’re a writer and you don’t write for The New York Times, The Daily Show, or Two and a Half Men, so you will need an excuse for not achieving the non-writing public’s apparent minimum requirement to be called a “real writer.”

“You know what show I like? That Breaking Bad!” your functionally illiterate uncle declares. “That’s a good show. You should write for them.”

Thanks, Uncle Hasn’t-Paid-Child-Support-In-Three-Years. When I was digging through the couch cushions looking for change to buy bologna I must have totally spaced and forgot to call Bryan Cranston to let him know I’d put together a few episodes this season and that it would be best to just make the $22,000 check out to cash for accounting reasons.

But I can tell you with no trepidation that I am in fact an expert in masturbation. I mean that in the purest sense. I mean expert as in if there were masturbation murders, I could give expert testimony in the court of law. I mean expert as in Malcolm Gladwell’s 10,000 Hour Rule expert. It’s not a paying gig but to friends and family, on the scale of professional achievement, it’s probably on par with writing.

“At least it’s physical,” Mom might say. “My son, the professional athlete.”

When you consider it, the similarities between masturbation and creative writing are uncanny:

Both generally happen in front of a laptop with countless windows open on your desktop.

In both cases you become detached from reality while constructing complex narratives.

Both are difficult to do in public.

In both cases, it’s generally annoying to have someone peering over your shoulder looking at your “work” before it’s done.

Both are emotionally and physically exhausting.

Both take way longer if you’re drunk.

Both are wildly dissatisfying if not finished.

Both are impossible to do with an iPad.

And most importantly, regardless of what your parents think, your friends think or the world thinks, you are going to do both until you are physically and mentally incapable of doing so any longer. Not because you’re stubborn and not because you are a fiend, but because your constitution will simply not permit you to stop. It’s in your DNA and it’s as natural as breathing.

And oh yeah:

Both are difficult to do while driving.

Modern Classic Comedy Albums

5 Mar

Omg, omg, a clown and Avrumi Flam? I can't take so much awesomeness at once.

You know, as you get older, you realize most purim torah is just old and not funny anymore. And any new material is family friendly, ie, lame as hell. Well, fear not! I’ve compiled a list of awesome modern comedy albums to cheer you up instead. Each one is super-funny and original, and perfect to get you a little less depressed during the month of adar. And you can probably get them all on torrent sites if you’re the kind of animal who does such things.

Good day to cross a river

The great white stanhope

Skanks for the memories

Elephant in the room

Of course, dave chappelle, jim gaffigan, brian regan, mike birbiglia also, but you know the big names already already.