Life really is like a box of chocolates. Most people are trying to get at the caramels or the truffles. But if you want to do it smarter, you’ll try to develop a taste for the raspberry ones. That way, you’ll always get what you want, and you won’t have to kill yourself or anyone else to get it. And at the end of the day, what does it matter who got the more popular chocolate? You both had chocolate, and you’re both going to be dead forever. Of course, I’ve never met any person who actually lived like this, I’m just saying it’s smarter.
-A word to poets: One way to think of poems is that they’re emotions put into writing. And just like with your emotions, you think yours are awesome and special. But with other people, well, there’s much less tolerance. One poem, and you’re thinking, “Wow, that was pretty good, I feel like that too sometimes.” Five minutes in, though, and you’re thinking, “Oh my God, please just kill me now.” If you want to read all your poems to other people, join a poetry group. It’s just like group therapy. You only get to talk about yours if you agree to listen to everyone else’s.
-Friends are like snow. When you pee on it, it goes away. Beautiful, isn’t it?
This is cool too: Chinese snow festival
-I was thinking about this for a while and suddenly realized why I don’t like Facebook. It’s not one of those new problems every pop psychologist is talking about. It’s the same old ‘I can’t stand other people’ one. It’s why I’m on the internet in the first place. You went on a trip to Catch-a-canoo? Who the fuck cares? Entertain me or begone with ye.
-Yesterday I was smoking by myself, outside, away from everyone, and some random frum guy comes and gives me a mussar schmooze about it. And not the yelling kind, which I can deal with. This was a “nice” one. Something that a bais medrash guy would give you in high school back in the day. Personal questions, weird advice, something about masturbation, the works. I didn’t know how to handle it then, and I still don’t, and at the end, the guy got pissed (well, nice-pissed, actually. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, it’s creepy and unnatural, and makes me think of mussar.) that I didn’t put out the cigarette and quit smoking right then and there. You know, I really haven’t enjoyed smoking in years, so I feel like I actually owe this man a thank you. Thank you for reminding me why I started smoking in the first place.
-That little episode got me to pondering a physics question- Would it be possible to shove it up and blow it out your ass simultaneously?
I think it’s very good to have a freshly brewed coffee first thing in the morning. Because coffee resembles your day much more than you realize.
When you just wake up and make the coffee, the smell is amazing. It’s fresh, delicious- gonna be the best coffee you’ve ever had. After you drink it for a little and try to capture that sense you first had though, it never really measures up. You realize it’s the same boring, slightly bitter tasting coffee you have every day.
Sometimes you’re determined to make your coffee taste good, so you mix all sorts of syrupy crap into it, but it all tastes fake and you finally accept that no matter what you do to it or how far you travel to get it, coffee is shit.
I think I’m finally making some psychological progress. Last night I had a dream that this rich, stuck up, momma’s boy I was jealous of in elementary school pansted me in public while I was picking something up from the floor for the teacher, and I punched the kid in the face but it didn’t seem to hurt him, so I kept punching him in the face until the teacher started yelling at me, and nobody would listen to me about what the other kid did- pretty routine stuff. But last night the teacher was actually a hybrid of my uncle and boss. Kids don’t have bosses! Hell yeah, dream!
-What is the one day of the year that shemoneh esrei is said 14 times?
The first day you start saying hamelech hakodosh.
-The Shadchan’s Hausfrau Institute of Technology has published the results of their 5771 survey and listed the top 3 things girls do to kill their chances of a 2nd date. Coming in at #1 this year is: Saying a Dvar Torah. This knocked last year’s #1 of Texting While Talking to 2nd place. Farting Loudly came in 3rd once again.
-Experience is the best teacher. Except for the pretty one in 5th grade who was always nice to you.
-The whole Aseres Yemei Teshuvah thing is really too much for me. You be extra good, refrain from doing your normal bad things, and then you ask for stuff. It’s way too similar to Santa Claus for me. Except Santa brings up warm feelings for me. Oh, and Santa always comes through with the goods.
-The Rabbi said we should rejoice with fear, so I did. I also had my cake and ate it too and spoke faster than the speed of sound. Though I still couldn’t let off a dry fart when I had diarrhea. That really has got to be the hardest thing in the world.
Yeah, you’re stayin at Moshav Leitzim now, beyotch. Hope you’re enjoying yourself.
If you’ve ever read aggaditah parts of the gemara, you know that they can sometimes throw in the most random things. Here’s one from Brachos, 8a:
תניא אמר ר״ע בשלשה דברים אוהב אני את המדים כשחותכין אתהבשראיןחותכין אלא על גבי השולחן כשנושקין אין נושקין אלא עלגבהידוכשיועצין אין יועצין אלא בשדה
Rabbi Akiva said: 3 things I like about the Medians- They only cut their meat on the table (so they don’t cut their hands and make the meat disgusting with their blood-Rashi). They only kiss [their friends] on the hand (face kisses are gross because you get everyone’s spit on your cheek). And they only give advice in the fields (“Like people say: The walls have ears.”)
Other things are thrown in just to mess with you. Here’s a quote from the page before (I’m too lazy to translate it):
ואמר רבי חייא בר אמי משמיה דעולא גדול הנהנה מיגיעו יותר מירא שמים דאילו גבי ירא שמים כתיב °אשרי איש ירא את ה׳ ואילו גבי נהנה מיגיעו כתיב °יגיע כפיך כי תאכל אשריך וטוב לך אשריך בעולם הזה וטוב לך לעולם הבא ולגבי ירא שמים וטוב לך לא כתיב ביה
I wonder how they learn that one in Lakewood?