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I Don’t Like The Tisha B’av Routine.

16 Jul

I wrote this a while ago but thought of it again this week when someone mentioned how they taught her about tisha bav in satmar girls camp. I still dont get anything out of tisha bav because of this.

yeshivaforum

I don’t like Eicha. I don’t like kinos. I don’t like listening to videotaped mussar speeches. Why not? Well, I want to throw out some intelligent sociological reason to make it seem like I do things because I’m smarter than the rest of the plebes, but I feel stupid lying anonymously to other anonymous people over the internet.

So it’s not because the language is archaic, or that I’m desensitized to graphic descriptions, or even that modern Jewish tragedies emotionally dwarf something that took place in antiquity. Those all sound nice and logical. But the real reason is because They made me do it. They forced me to do it when I didn’t want to and terrified me with horrible things that would happen if I didn’t.

Care about the Bais Hamikdash being destroyed! Care about us losing Yerushalaim 2000 years ago! Didn’t you just sing, “If I forget you…

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New thing to do for July 4th

7 Jul

rainbow cake

Apparently there’s this new thing to do during the 3 weeks that’s funner than not taking a haircut and going up to the mountains for visiting day. It’s called Rainbow. I had no idea what this was until a frum pothead mentioned it to me on facebook, but basically its this weekend in Montana where you get to be a hippy and smoke up naked in the woods with other dirty or dirty-wannabe type people.

First off, ok, first off, both wtf? and yes. Second, how come we aren’t doing this already? When did it become not ok to hang out naked and get high? Ok, so no women allowed in the clubs because it’d just become a huge orgy. And halacha. (Women can make their own clubs if they want.) Anyhow, like I was saying, it was obviously normal at one point. You go into the JCC and its basically impossible to find a spot that hasn’t been taken up by naked old people. This is 90% what your grandparents go to any “center” for. The only enclosed building old Jews get together in and keep their pants on is shul. And if Russians went to shul, even that would be fair game. My God can you imagine? The kiddush? Right after davening, it’d be nudity and vodka and herring. Ughhh.

Ok you can’t bring a proof from Russians. Obviously, they have they’re own rules. They lived through the gulags and Siberia and, well,  they’re just insane. And they have balls of steel. Very old and gross balls of steel. My point is it’s our right as human beings and Jews to get naked and high. Our great-grandparents didn’t suffer through a thousand years of cold sunless Polish winters- and the rest of the year, and the poritz, and rubles, and cossaks, and bringing the chicken to the shochet for shabbos through the mud, and cleaning the dirt floors for pesach, etc.- so we could sit in our clothes and be sober. If they could see us now in America with our barbecues, and not being pogrommed, and summer, and freedom, I’m sure they’d want us to be naked and drunk or high at least some of the time. Your Bubby is looking down, ok, probably not your Bubby. But your Zaideh definitely wants you to get stoned and eat barbecue naked this weekend.

The Lord: Abraham, Part II

24 Mar

Image

Cut back to scene.

God: Seriously Gabriel, if you could just, you know, look at this objectively, you would really like him too. I know you.

Gabriel: No. You and Abraham chat. OK? Me and you smite.

God: Gabriel…

Gabriel: Uh, are we smiting now?

God: God. Fine. “Abraham.”

Abraham: Yes Lord?

God: I’m going to destroy sodom and gomorrah…. letting you know.

Abraham: What?

God: Yeah. No secrets. Relationship. For all time.

Abraham: No I mean-

God: Ltr? Communication is key. Trust me on that. 2400 years I’ve been here.

Abraham: No, I mean sodom and gomorrah.

God: Oh. What about? >Gabriel, get the heck in here right now!<

Abraham: How could you do that?

God: Yo that place is mad evil. Trust me. >Gabriel you’re missing it! You are seriously going to regret missing- oh there you are. Awesome.<

Abraham: I…I do, of course. But, and please excuse me, but are there 50 righteous men in the city to spare the city?

God: Wait I’ll check.

Gabriel: Oh my god…in sodom…

God: Right?

God: No Abraham. Sorry.

Gabriel: Ha ha!

Abraham: Wait! Lord, please.

Gabriel: Whoa. The balls on this guy.

God: I told you! Did I tell you? No, go sit in the back and mope. Dude I tell you you’ll like something, dude- you. will. like. it.

Abraham: Will you spare it for 30 righteous men?

God: Yes.

Abraham: …………….And-? Wait… no thirty men.

God: You got it.

Abraham: Ok…

Gabriel: No. Way.

Abraham: Please Lord…

Gabriel: Oh. My. God. I love this guy. Seriously? I love him.

Abraham: …would twenty work?

God: Yup.

Abraham: And…

God: Nope.

Abraham: Wow.

God: Yeah. E.Vil. I sent in my destroying angels-

Abraham: Wait! Please! Are there 10-

God: You didn’t let me finish. I was saying I sent them in and a mob just asked Lot to “Bring them out”-

Abraham: But, 10?

God: “-so we can rape them.”

Abraham: ……….”So we can rape them.”

God: Yeah.

Abraham: Shit.

God: I know. Good try though. I love you man. Keep up the good deeds and kindness. You rock.

Now on History Channel: The Lord: Angels and Abraham

24 Mar

ImageRiding the popularity of their hit miniseries, “The Bible”, The History Channel commissioned a team of cameramen to go behind the scenes for a Lord’s eye view, in “The Lord”.

Previously on The Lord…
God’s 3 angels appeared to Abraham and promised him a child the next year. The Lord said, “Shall I hide what I’m doing from Abraham?”

Pan up to God in heaven.

God: Shall I hide what I’m doing from Abraham?

Gabriel: Well, I’m not sure-

God: Uh, rhetorical, Gabriel.

Gabriel: Right.

God: Abraham’s my boy!

Gabriel: Right. I know.

God: You still have a problem with Abraham?

Gabriel: I never said that.

God: Your tone.

Gabriel: There was no tone.

God: Gabriel…

Gabriel: Fine yes. Im hurt. OK? There I said it. Abraham’s your new friend and what about us?

Michael: I statements…

Gabriel: Fine, what about me?

God: But Abraham’s the man.

Gabriel: And how do you think that makes me feel?

God: Listen Gabriel, we’re friends, but Abraham and me are just different. We have something really special. Remember? He smashed the idols, jumped into the fire? Want me to go on? Abraham and me are like this.

Gabriel: And me?! I worship you!

God: Yeah…it’s kind of creepy.

Gabriel: Creepy?!

Michael: God, whoa come on.

God: Ok Im sorry. Its nice. We’re really good friends Gabriel. We’ve been really good friends for like thousands of years. I wish you could just be happy for me-

Gabriel: You want me to jump into the fire? Is that it? I would. I’m just invulnerable, so I can’t. And you’re holding that against me. And Ok Im not complaining but I didnt ASK to have super powers. Ok? If you want me to jump into fire why don’t you ask? I’m not a mind-reader.
God: Come on man, don’t make this weird. Come here.

Gabriel: No, I just don’t get it-

God: Come on Gabriel. Come on. Hug. Ohh. There we go.

Michael: Awww!

God: I love you man.

Gabriel: Yeah…ok.

God: Come on, smile.

Gabriel: Mmmm Ok…

God: Yeah! Ok guess what, I have a surprise. We. Are. All. Going. To flip over sodom and gemorrah!

Gabriel: Ha ha! For real? Man, that place is a cesspool of evil. I was wondering when we were going there…

God: Right now guys. And I’m going to tell Abraham.

Gabriel: Oh, just do it. You don’t have to involve me.

God: Gabriel…

Gabriel: Just give me some space.

God: Ok….But it’s going to be fun, I promise.

Gabriel: Yeah…Just call me when we’re smiting.

God: Ok man.

Cut Scene to something else.

 

My non-Shidduch Resume

14 Aug

Here’s what I am: I’m a good guy, real, intelligent, good-looking. Normal, with it, good sense of humor. Aged btwn 24 and 28. 5’8″. Pretty broad build. Have trust issues. Open and honest. Accepting, non-judgmental.

Here’s what I’m looking for: Jewish girl, (frum background a plus but optional), good person, real, nice looking, with it. Aged same or younger preferably.

Here’s what throws average girls off: My goals aren’t to have a bunch of kids and work my ass off to support us. At least at this stage in my life. I can’t deal with that responsibility and pressure. I want a boyfriend/girlfriend, committed relationship, whatever you want to call it. Marriage is nice with the right girl, after we establish a solid relationship.

In case you’re wondering, I’m being serious with all of this. I’m thinking I should probably make this piece more fun so it doesn’t look like a business proposal, but I really can’t see the point. If this is all working for you, email me at yeshivaforum@gmail.com If you want to swap pictures, find out more personal information, same email address. If you want references or whatever, I’ll give you whoever you want to talk to to check me out. If you’re friends with Heshy, he’ll vouch for me.

Again, folks, that’s yeshivaforum@gmail.com . I’m what you’ve been missing. Ladies only please.

If you’re married but know a friend that might be interested, hook us up. There’s a shidduch crisis out there, and I’m actually a normal man. And I will give you shadchanus money if you want.

New Blog

15 May

Ok everybody, I’m starting a new blog here. It’s going to be very different than this one, but if it interests you, head on over. I probably won’t be updating this blog that often from now on though.

 

You’re probably not going to like this one, but…

4 Apr

here’s a piece I wrote for unpious.com:

unpious.com/2012/03/yeshiva-nights/