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The Virtues Of Staring At An Ass

15 Jun

Thanks to For Real for sending me this instant classic. Hopefully, it wont be taken down too soon:

Come To My Store

5 Jun

If you’ve been missing me (aww, really?) because I haven’t been posting as frequently, I’m sorry. The good news is that I’ve been using my free time setting up a webstore that kind of looks like shit, but is fully functional. If you like Daily Deals and those kinds of things, you might find something you like. Plus, if you look hard enough, you can see a few places where I wasted a whole bunch of time making pages that nobody will ever see look perfect (ehem, About Us, for example). Here’s the site link: http://cheekly.com

Post-Yeshiva Movie List

24 May

This crap movie has a 7.8 rating on imdb. It is still crap.

I’ve wanted to do this one for a long time, but I keep putting it off. I think I don’t have the patience to do a full list. Basically, the idea is to list movies and TV shows to catch up on when you leave Yeshiva and stop caring about keeping your neshama so spic and span. (Hey, God gave it to you for a reason. If he wanted it to stay plain white, he would have kept it upstairs. He wants you to put some color on it before he locks it up in his soul-collection box. Don’t worry, he’ll thank you.)

Anyhow, when you leave Yeshiva and have nothing to do and not enough guilt built up yet to go open a sefer, you start looking for movies and shows. Well, at least that’s what I did. The first shows I tried were ones that I’d heard of in Yeshiva but could never really see, like Friends. The problem is the further you go from 10th grade, the deeper the watchability of Friends tanks.

I started looking online, but you can’t really tell by ratings because you get a bunch of cult favorites with high marks because of groupies (this includes the Oscar winner list- a real minefield). Or trailers that are cut to make the movie seem good (The Constant Gardener, )And you, not knowing any better, end up wasting your time on crap. Precious time that could have been spent watching Donnie Brasco, or Boiler Room, or even Whats Eating Gilbert Grape.

Some things you’ve heard of but think you’ve kind of seen already and didn’t like it. That can be a mistake too, because certain movies get better as you get older (Fight Club), and others you dismissed but never really watched because you were too busy fast forwarding to the jerk off points (The Sopranos). Now that you’re able to appreciate these shows because you’re more mature, and there’s much better porn free online, you need someone to guide you through the crapfield.

Unfortunately that’s not going to be me, as I think I mentioned before. Oh, but make sure you watch Blood Diamond. And The Pursuit of Happyness. And sci-fi Will Smith is always a safe bet. And the Batmans aren’t nearly as good as people say they are. And Airplane, Animal House, Monty Python, and The Godfather are basically the only good movies from the 70’s. Here’s a decent list, but still like 35% crap. Someone else help me out here please….

Funniest Asifa Tweets

22 May


I don’t know if you’ve seen this- this guy collected the best tweets from the asifa. Some good ones:

 
There’s a double header tonite. Next up is the Amish versus the Automobiles.@shmulyt
Citi Field Security Guards Report to the Media that this asifa is Biggest Crowd to be in this Stadium since opened. @vosiznies
Schools from here on will only accept those without Internet and rich people.

 
I am missing my brother at the asifa. He was last seen wearing a white shirt, black jacket and hat and had glasses.

Anti-internet asifa could have been about accepting the net and teaching about responsible use instead of more hocking.
“Wi-Fi sucks in here.”

No mention of children abuse scandals. Repeated mention of how the internet corrupts children. @SeanPatrickCoop

Best and Worst Tippers In America

14 May

Hey, sorry for not posting anything recently. I started a few, but I keep getting distracted and then lose interest in finishing them once I get back. Anyhow, here’s something I saw that’s quick and very revealing:

“A recent survey of North American service workers rated the best tippers in this order: (1) Other restaurant workers (2) Regular customers, especially cigarette smokers (3) Young male “wannabes” (4) Small business owners (5) Tavern owners (6) Hairdressers (7) Liquor salesmen (8) Taxi drivers (9) Salesmen (10) Musicians.

The same survey identified these categories as the worst tippers: (1) Senior citizens (2) People between twenty-one and twenty-four years old (3) Tourists (4) Teachers (5) Women (6) Lawyers (7) Doctors (8) Computer nerds (9) Bankers (10) Pipe smokers.

Waiters, waitresses, and bartenders identify good tippers from best to worst by what they drink in the following order: (1) Vodka (2) Rum (3) Beer (4) Tequila (5) Bourbon (6) Scotch (7) Wine (8) Gin (9) Whiskey (10) Non-alcoholic and creamy or fancy drinks with umbrellas, or frozen, layered, or flaming drinks.”

Source: Now you know big book of answers, by Doug Lennox

Even without naming races (which, if you’ve ever worked as a waiter, you know is what everybody talks about first when it comes to comparing tippers), the list is very revealing. You can write books about the psychology behind this. I don’t have the patience to go into why a tipping study is so revealing, so if you don’t get it, just trust me, ok?

How to find new things [to hate] on the internet.

12 Apr

I didn’t have anything new to make fun of hate write about today, so I was looking through other blogs. Here’s a good one, but I already read it. Here’s another good one, but I already read it too here– wait, there’s something new on that one…A link here. Ok, what have we got? Some holiday called Norwuz…being nice to foreigners…”Eid-eh Shoma Mobarak”…Hey, I could say that to someone foreign and have an interesting new friend…Nah, I’d just avoid them. Throw that information out of my head…Comments: Tesyaa says, “Mobarak is a cognate of the Hebrew mevorach (blessed), similar to baruch”. Stfu tesyaa, saying words like “cognate”. Making me feel dumb…Nobody cares…

Fine, I do. What the heck is that language and how do you know so damn much about every single damn thing? Click on the link to Norwuz and be just as smart as her.

Oh, it’s Persian…What was that phrase again? “Eid-eh Shoma Mobarak”– imagining Iranian lady at the cleaners saying it- yeah, that’s super Persian. Scrinching up my mouth. “Ei-deh”. Definitely. I could pull off being Iranian. Anything else in the Wikipedia article? “Nowrūz was officially registered on the UNESCO List of the Intangible Cultural Heritage of Humanity.” UNESCO has a list of intangible things too? It must be pages long. You think they have anything Jewish?

Hmm, not that long. Listed by countries. Israel..Israel…no, India, Iraq, Italy… hmm. Probably because it hasn’t been a country for so long, so they can’t tie anything in the land to the country…wait, lemme see something…’Palestinian Territories’. What. The fuck. Let me see…Contents…Controversy…1, 2, 3, Israel

“Israel was admitted to UNESCO in 1949, one year after its creation. In 1974, UNESCO stripped Israel of its membership on the grounds of alleged damage being done by Israel’s archaeological excavations on the Temple Mount in Jerusalem. UNESCO defended this decision with two statements in 1974 and 1975, but renewed Israel’s membership in 1977, after the United States threatened to withhold $40 million of funding from the organization.

In 2010, Israel designated the Tomb of the Patriarchs, Hebron and Rachel’s Tomb, Bethlehem as National Heritage Sites and announced restoration work, prompting criticism from the United States and protests from Palestinians.[60] In October 2010, UNESCO’s Executive Board voted to declare the sites as “al-Haram al-Ibrahimi/Tomb of the Patriarchs” and “Bilal bin Rabah Mosque/Rachel’s Tomb” and stated that they were “an integral part of the occupied Palestinian Territories” and any unilateral Israeli action was a violation of international law….”

Fuckin hell. Fuckin UNESCO. Just pissed on every cool place on Earth…Fuckin Shaolin Temple. Now where am I going to travel to when I make tons of money sometime later doing…something…vague, but…awesome.

Memes and other random stuff

11 Apr

Google: 'I dont always meme'

-A good pesach vort: Why do we dip eggs in salt water at the seder? Because the Jews were in the yamsuf up to their beitzim before Hashem split it. (That comes courtesy of my friend’s grandmother.)

Anti-joke chicken

-This is the funniest thing I’ve seen in months. Some of these I read and laughed so hard I was crying. (And I was all by myself.) :

Foul Bachelor Frog  Oh, you have to be a guy to find this hilarious. Preferably foul.

-This is horrible:

Original movies in Hollywood