My non-Shidduch Resume

14 Aug

Here’s what I am: I’m a good guy, real, intelligent, good-looking. Normal, with it, good sense of humor. Aged btwn 24 and 28. 5’8″. Pretty broad build. Have trust issues. Open and honest. Accepting, non-judgmental.

Here’s what I’m looking for: Jewish girl, (frum background a plus but optional), good person, real, nice looking, with it. Aged same or younger preferably.

Here’s what throws average girls off: My goals aren’t to have a bunch of kids and work my ass off to support us. At least at this stage in my life. I can’t deal with that responsibility and pressure. I want a boyfriend/girlfriend, committed relationship, whatever you want to call it. Marriage is nice with the right girl, after we establish a solid relationship.

In case you’re wondering, I’m being serious with all of this. I’m thinking I should probably make this piece more fun so it doesn’t look like a business proposal, but I really can’t see the point. If this is all working for you, email me at yeshivaforum@gmail.com If you want to swap pictures, find out more personal information, same email address. If you want references or whatever, I’ll give you whoever you want to talk to to check me out. If you’re friends with Heshy, he’ll vouch for me.

Again, folks, that’s yeshivaforum@gmail.com . I’m what you’ve been missing. Ladies only please.

If you’re married but know a friend that might be interested, hook us up. There’s a shidduch crisis out there, and I’m actually a normal man. And I will give you shadchanus money if you want.

The Virtues Of Staring At An Ass

15 Jun

Thanks to For Real for sending me this instant classic. Hopefully, it wont be taken down too soon:

You Know You Want It

10 Jun

You ever have an experience that’s so good, it makes you stop whatever you’re doing and go, “Wow, oh my God.”  Like the rest of your life, whatever else you’re doing or involved in or on the way to do, just pales in comparison, just dissipates, more and more, as your focus is shifted onto the sublime experience you’ve become enraptured by. And it’s like your entire life before this experience seems gray and dull when you realize you’ve lived it without this explosion of impossibly vibrant, impossibly beautiful, impossibly rich, heady, pleasure. 

Oy….cheese babka, people. You know what I’m talking about. If chas veshalom you don’t, go get some. Right now. Stop reading. Get off your chair and get some whichever way you can. Steal money from a loved one. Punch out an old person on the street and take $5.95 from their purse/fanny pack. And eat as much as you want. Break your diet. You have the rest of your life to worry about your diabetes. Cheese babka is now.

Come To My Store

5 Jun

If you’ve been missing me (aww, really?) because I haven’t been posting as frequently, I’m sorry. The good news is that I’ve been using my free time setting up a webstore that kind of looks like shit, but is fully functional. If you like Daily Deals and those kinds of things, you might find something you like. Plus, if you look hard enough, you can see a few places where I wasted a whole bunch of time making pages that nobody will ever see look perfect (ehem, About Us, for example). Here’s the site link: http://cheekly.com

Thank God We Don’t Live In The Alte Heim.

2 Jun

I was researching the history of medieval England in a nearby college library- ok fine, I was watching Robin Hood (the one with Russel Crowe). But it’s pretty gritty and looks realistic enough for me to assume it’s based on actual research, so it got me thinking about how horrible life was for most people in basically every single other era ever.

First off, the peasants live in shit, many times literally, they work their asses off and live in rat infested houses eating hard bread and gruel when they’re lucky enough to get food. They’re filthy, smelly, toothless, and are under the rule of barons who can do whatever the hell they want to them. Knights can kill them for sport, just ride around lopping off heads like its human polo, and they have no recourse.

I just reread a chassidish story that I heard as a kid but didn’t really understand in context. The Polish nobles, called Poretzes, ruled their land with absolute power. The central government wasn’t very strong and the king relied on the Barons to keep order, run the land, pay taxes and provide men for wars. One day a family couldn’t pay their rent. So the poretz decided to lock him and his wife and kids up in his dungeon to die unless the tax was paid by the community. This is already an advanced society, there are fair rules that the poretz lays out and follows. You pay, you stay alive. In other places, the noble decides he doesn’t like Jews and wants to kill all of them. So he does. Then, in some places, the noble will let the Jews stay only if they pay a crazy amount of tax. If someone thinks its unfair and asks why only the Jews have to pay a 90% tax, he says, “Because I hate you dirty Jews, of course.” That’s it. That’s his political message to his constituents. He decides to kill a bunch of kids to get his tax paid? That’s a sound fiscal policy.

Then, there are constant wars. This was very hard for me to figure out when I was watching Robin Hood. Apparently, the French and English not only like living in shit, but want other people’s shit. To what end? I have no clue. But they staged massive wars, with thousands of peasants and soldiers killing each other for absolutely no reason other than the chance to get back to their miserable shit lives if they survived. And the peasants, of course, were sent in first! With like sharp sticks or tools or tree-cutting axes if they had them.

These were actual people. With brains and everything. Being used as a flesh wall. If these people could have been educated, they could’ve built up a modern society, with doctors that actually healed you instead of raping you to cure your pneumonia. Or they could’ve built a nuclear bomb and destroyed their enemies. At least they’re doing something that reflects their potential as human beings. It was totally different. They didn’t even look at people like that, like they could improve their situation. This was life. It makes me wonder how future generations will look at us. We think we’re advanced, but who knows what we’re doing to screw people up and squander all the potential we have. We are a few hundred years out of the dark ages. In Eastern Europe and Russia, they’re 150 years out of it. I bet people 500 years down the road will look at our society and think we’re just as barbaric as Medieval people were. We can’t help it. We’re trying, but we’re probably just barely scratching the surface. Unless society just breaks down over lack of oil and over population and whatever else. Then they’ll look back on us and marvel and think we were the apex of civilization.

Rabbi Fink Is Right

24 May

What if some woman would write into us from Yemen about how upset she is at the media’s portrayal of the state of Muslim women, and how wonderful this Muslim lifestyle is, and how she can leave whenever she wants, and how beautiful the Koran’s view of women is and how all her friends are so happy etc, and she just fails to mention that she and her friends are Americans with enough education, means and outside ties to leave whenever they want, and the country really has no way of stopping them because they’re American citizens?

I wonder if the baalei tshuva talking about the XOJane Chaya article can see how much of an outrage that would cause among Arabic women who left Muslim countries to live in America and who are trying to raise awareness of the abuse they and their sisters and mothers are going through. And how they would respond to things like “I’m sorry you went through that, but that’s not how REAL Islam is supposed to be like.” Fuck you, that’s EXACTLY how real Islam is in most Arab countries, whether you live it or not. How dare you cover up someone else’s pain because it interferes with the image of your beautiful kumbaya lifestyle.

Before the Cold War, socialists in England during Lenin and Stalin’s reign, when millions of people were being slaughtered in Russia,  did whatever they could to stop the reports of the mass starvations and killings happening in Russia from being published. Not because they were under any threat from Stalin. This was the 1930’s, England was the most powerful country on Earth. They did it entirely to save a Utopian idea. They willingly sacrificed millions of Russian people to save an idea that had never worked outside of the drawing board. If you think for a moment that that’s what God wants, I really don’t know what to say.

Do research. Look at the facts on the ground and report them accurately. Don’t ignore other people or fake that you know how other people live to promote your own vision.

Douchebag.

Rabbi Fink’s excellent article: http://finkorswim.com/2012/05/22/dear-chaya/

 

Post-Yeshiva Movie List

24 May

This crap movie has a 7.8 rating on imdb. It is still crap.

I’ve wanted to do this one for a long time, but I keep putting it off. I think I don’t have the patience to do a full list. Basically, the idea is to list movies and TV shows to catch up on when you leave Yeshiva and stop caring about keeping your neshama so spic and span. (Hey, God gave it to you for a reason. If he wanted it to stay plain white, he would have kept it upstairs. He wants you to put some color on it before he locks it up in his soul-collection box. Don’t worry, he’ll thank you.)

Anyhow, when you leave Yeshiva and have nothing to do and not enough guilt built up yet to go open a sefer, you start looking for movies and shows. Well, at least that’s what I did. The first shows I tried were ones that I’d heard of in Yeshiva but could never really see, like Friends. The problem is the further you go from 10th grade, the deeper the watchability of Friends tanks.

I started looking online, but you can’t really tell by ratings because you get a bunch of cult favorites with high marks because of groupies (this includes the Oscar winner list- a real minefield). Or trailers that are cut to make the movie seem good (The Constant Gardener, )And you, not knowing any better, end up wasting your time on crap. Precious time that could have been spent watching Donnie Brasco, or Boiler Room, or even Whats Eating Gilbert Grape.

Some things you’ve heard of but think you’ve kind of seen already and didn’t like it. That can be a mistake too, because certain movies get better as you get older (Fight Club), and others you dismissed but never really watched because you were too busy fast forwarding to the jerk off points (The Sopranos). Now that you’re able to appreciate these shows because you’re more mature, and there’s much better porn free online, you need someone to guide you through the crapfield.

Unfortunately that’s not going to be me, as I think I mentioned before. Oh, but make sure you watch Blood Diamond. And The Pursuit of Happyness. And sci-fi Will Smith is always a safe bet. And the Batmans aren’t nearly as good as people say they are. And Airplane, Animal House, Monty Python, and The Godfather are basically the only good movies from the 70’s. Here’s a decent list, but still like 35% crap. Someone else help me out here please….