Tag Archives: awkward

Sooo what’s been going on with you? (and other horrible questions).

14 Feb

You know you have no real life when, within 2 minutes of meeting a friend you haven’t talked to in months, someone pops the “So…what are you learning?” question. I caught myself before asking that question at my close friend’s vort and just gave him a hug. Then I edged out and walked purposefully towards the cake.

It’s weird. I guess other people must have cooler lives because they always ask me what I’ve been up to and I always have to pick out some non-event to make discussion out of. 

‘What’s been going on with you?’ 

“Same old, same old.”


“Oh, I just went to ____. There’s a client there.”

‘Oh, how was that?’

“Ok. Nice weather… Interesting looking trees…Not very different from these trees.”

‘Yeah… We just went to ____’s wedding/bar mitzvah/barbecue.’

“Oh, I heard he/she was doing that. How was it?”

‘Good. Food was pretty good. We met Rabbi ____.’

“Oh…How’s he doing?”

This is about the time that I begin scouring my brain for anything to actually relate and connect over. My first impulse is to just say something I’ve been feeling- never a good idea. Impulse emotion conversations usually go:

*Uncomfortable silence*

“You know, whenever I’m at a party, I always feel like I’m a kid in a room full of adults.”

‘That’s weird, but thanks for sharing that giant blast of dysfunction. Uh, I just remembered I have to stand over there now. Bye.’

I like to stick to things instead of feelings. Something’s been going on in my life I can connect over. I’ve certainly been sad/happy over something. I wrote a good post on my blog! Nah, don’t want them to know about that. The conversation is getting sooo awkward now…Anything…I met a great girl a few weeks back! Noo. My mother probably doesn’t want to hear about that nice non-jewish girl at work I seriously considered going out with. I- wait, no, the point of that story is finding really weird porn. And that ends even more uncomfortably.

“Ok, I have to go take a dump which I’ve been holding onto since yesterday (no, not as interesting to them), uh, take care of something (check the phone! )  I…ooh..almost forgot. I’ll see you.”

‘Yeah, I’ll be here.’

“Awesome…so I’ll see you around…here…soon. K.”

And then I just have to avoid eye-contact for 3 more hours.

That’s why I’ve decided to invite this guy to all future simchos:


Do Single Men Really Get Weirder As They Get Older?

11 Feb

This is a question for the ages. I’ve heard it a million times: Older single men are just weird. Older single women, not so much. I don’t know. I  mean, I definitely know weird older single guys, but I also know weird younger single guys. And weird older married guys.

No, older single guys have a special creepy, loner, anti-social weirdness about them.
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I’m a Yeshiva Guy; Please Let Me Know If I’m Sexually Harassing You.

21 Jan

By: Anonymous Yeshiva Guy

I was at a coffee shop the other day, and the girl behind the counter was really cute. But I didn’t flirt with her, or ask her out; I just ogled her breasts while she made my coffee and rang up my order. I think her finger touched mine when she gave back the credit card. Either her finger or maybe it was the receipt.

Sometimes I wonder just how much of a socially awkward pervert the women I come in contact with think I am. Back when I was still trying to keep the halachos about looking at and dealing with women, this wasn’t really a problem. I would have averted my gaze, and certainly wouldn’t be trying to check out the girl at the next table while she sits there (I’ve got a really nice view right now, and if she’d just shift her legs a drop…). But now I’m looking, and don’t really know if I have the skills to do it without being a creep.

It could be I don’t really care either. I don’t care what that shiksa will think of me; I’m not going to ask her out anyway. All these women are off limits anyway, and are only good for looking at. Not that I would know what to say if I was willing to ask her out.

There’s also the issue that lack of exposure has made me a tad more sensitive to this than my classmates- although that is fading. When one classmate sat down across from me at a meet-and-greet with a V necked blouse that opened all the way to below her breasts- was I supposed to be looking anywhere else? (Rant: Then, that same classmate complained that at interviews the interviewer was checking her out. Well, what else did she expect? Is she dressing like that for any other reason? You’ll notice that mens shirts don’t show nearly as much chest- because nobody wants to see it, and nobody wants to show it.)

Really, I am not otherwise socially awkward- I just have no exposure to what is socially acceptable when dealing with girls in a sexual way. I’m always surprised by the casual comments my male friends in school will make to my female friends, about the sweater they’re wearing or that their hair looks nice today. (It IS creepy when the professor does it, right?). I’ve only complimented exactly 2 girls on their looks; after dating for a long time, and at least once only because it was what I was supposed to do. I don’t think I would be able to tell the difference between the type of compliment it would be ok to make to married woman and the type that would get you laid out by her husband. Or between flirting and a creepy advance.

I guess I should be thankful for my lack of ability; I really do want (and not want) to be frum, and there’s no telling what I’d be doing if I actually had the guts and the skill to flirt or ask a girl out. I really would like to marry a frum girl, and really do want her to be my first (and I’m sure we’ll figure it out just fine- I’m much smarter than all the teens who are figuring it out in the backseat of their car.)

So, if you ever find yourself doing business with me, or working with me, or going to school with me- try and let me know if I’m sexually harassing you. And maybe tell that girl over there I wouldn’t mind buying her coffee, and whatever else she wants to do after that.

Big Mohammed’s House

3 Nov

comedian daily show john oliver

Click here to watch video:http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/thu-may-5-2011/big-mohammed-s-house
Listen, you might think The Daily Show is slanted. You might think it’s a brainwashing under-30 Democratic vote producer. You might think that Jon Stewart has lost his comedic credibility by siding with a political party. But nobody’s interested in your nerdy rants about keeping comedy sacred, so either keep them to yourself, or write them as other people’s hypothetical thoughts. Also, The Daily Show employs the best talent in the business, like (Cmoh”r) Jon Oliver, so you have to watch the show sometimes either way. 

Side note: It’s probably halachically ok to let Muslims daven at shul, but depending on how they interpret the trinity, many Christians wouldn’t be allowed to. Everybody agree? Ahh, the awkward moment after learning uncomfortable new halachos. Can you feel it? Gevaldik!

Tough Guy Phrases

18 Aug

A lot of times when I need to enter a tough situation, I plan out in my head beforehand how it’s gonna go down. Unfortunately, I usually factor in that I’m a SEAL, so when I get there and remember I have no balls, I’m left clueless. Afterwards, I’m really confused. Wait, when he said, “We don’t take take used returns on Tuesdays”, I said “Oh I didn’t realize.” That sounds a little off. When was I supposed to say, “Die Motherfucker Die”?

Anyhow, I was thinking it over and I’ve come up with a few tough phrases I’ve always wanted to say in conversation, but never had the guts to do so:

“I was balls to the walls.”

“Let’s talk turkey, my friend…”

“My friend…”

“Hell on wheels.”

“That’s my final offer.”

“You want a piece of me?”

“Let’s do this.”

“Please stop hitting me.”