Tag Archives: brooklyn

Shabbos Robes Are Sexy

2 Sep

Guest Post By: For Real

Say What- ? 

This story actually happened to me this past Friday night:

David: Hey, I’ve never seen anything like this before on you

For Real: This is what is commonly known as a Shabbos Robe

David: I know, I live in Brooklyn too…..but I’ve never seen YOU in one….(gazes in adoration)

For Real: You’ve seen me in ugly stuff before- sweatpants, my high school uniform-  what’s the big deal?

David: This thing is so girly! It’s like a real dress! And it unzips in the front for easy access! This is amazing!

For Real: (Bursts out laughing) Do you know how much virtual ink has been spilled about how UGLY these things are? How these robes symbolize the eventual breakdown of the female body from childbearing and how chicks stop dressing up for their guys?

David: You’re overthinking this. You look good in this and that’s all that counts!

For Real: (Still laughing) You grew up in a world where women can wear whatever they want and you like SHABBOS ROBES! Here I thought “Yeah, now I’ve known David long enough not to have to get dressed up” and you’re taking this AS getting dressed up! I’M DATING THE ONLY GUY IN THE WORLD WHO LIKES SHABBOS ROBES!!!! I WIN!!!! (Start doing victory dance on Ocean Parkway)

David: (Laughs at victory dance) Well I win because I’m dating a girl who likes wearing stuff I like

For Real: David, can I tell the world that there is one Jewish guy who likes Shabbos robes? There are these blogs where Jews whine about Jewish things like that and I want to prove that there is another view on Shabbos Robes.

David: Sure, we’re not using our real names, why not?

(Ed: This story makes me feel good. There’s something nice and comforting and all-around feel-good about it. Good luck For Real! Thanks for the story.)

Israel: Land Of The Tough, Home Of The Crazy (In A Good Way)

15 Nov

This girl can kick your ass.

I think we can all agree that Israel is a really cool place. It’s the State where all different kinds of Jews can come together and fight with each other. The way I look at it, it’s like what would happen if you made Brooklyn into a country, except that the Italians and Blacks and Latinos are also Jewish. Oh, and everyone’s a little Sephardi. Plus, they all have chest hair and cell phones and chain-smoke. I think that covers it. Wait- it’s not like Brooklyn because people are nicer in Israel. Ok, this whole analogy is a mess.

They used to have an Israeli Jerry Springer-rip off show called “Only in Israel” (ironically). That was a fun show. But you don’t need to watch TV to be entertained in Israel. Just walk down a street in Geula and watch 4 year olds playing chicken with the cars while their mothers are going shopping. Or the gangs of 2-4 year olds hanging out on street corners at 1 in the morning. There’s no clearly defined system on how to make a Israeli, but I think this provides a pretty good outline. It’s something along the lines of survival of the craziest.

Obviously, so can this one.

Now, don’t try to argue with me based on one tough American you know. Israelis are 1000 times tougher than us. That’s all Israelis. Even the women. No, especially the women. Even the nicest, skinniest Hebrew university student with the nerdiest srugy can have you running and crying in under a minute.

And that’s how we get to my TV series idea. Here it is: Basically, it’s 24, but Israeli. Now, you’re all thinking, “No, anything but more 24!”, and I totally understand, but just hear me out. You have a whole team of cool Israeli agents- female: dark and sexy, with their shirts half open, male: same thing, but more chest hair and a chai necklace- solving much more realistic terrorist plots. (If you think about it, “Shin Bet” has a very similar ring to “24“. Just throwing that out there.) Except it’s Israel, so it’s not over the top if the actors try to act super cool and tough. They could all dress in leather jackets and sunglasses, and report to a Joint Chiefs-type body made up of 8 fat, smoking, short-sleeve-white-shirt-open-necked-with-chest-hair, balding men distinguishable only by their levels of tan, and you’d say, “Yeah, looks pretty authentically Israel to me”.

Hey, just think about it, ok? It could be huge.

And this one.

Hat tip: Israeli army girls pics from here.

You Can Take The Jew Out Of Flatbush…

4 Sep

Come on, internet. This is the best I can get for "jewish disney"?

You ever notice how FFB’s (frum from brooklyn’s) will never talk to you once they leave Brooklyn? Like, I was just in Orlando with some friends, and I Jew-waved to everyone I could find. The Modern Orthodox crowd waved back and smiled (except when I was smoking in Disneyworld, which is apparently one step under raping Mickey from the looks I was getting from everyone who passed by). A Chossid on vacation with his family gave me a huge smile and hello. But when I did the same thing to the Yeshivish folks, I either got totally ignored or experienced the shifty-eyed no-smile Flatbush thing.

Flatbush people! Listen to me for a second: I know you’re going on vacation to escape all the Jews. All you want to do is pretend you’re a goy for a few days. Hey- it’s Disneyworld, the land of dreams. You’re eating cholov stam and davening at Chabad. I get it. But you can still talk to me even if I’m wearing a yarmulke. I promise you, I won’t ask you to come to a minyan at 4:00 next to “It’s a small world”. Really, I just want a friendly hello from a fellow tribe member.

So please, do me a personal favor and smile back the next time another Jew waves at you. And fix your wife’s hat, her hair’s showing.