Tag Archives: comedy

The Lord: Abraham, Part II

24 Mar

Image

Cut back to scene.

God: Seriously Gabriel, if you could just, you know, look at this objectively, you would really like him too. I know you.

Gabriel: No. You and Abraham chat. OK? Me and you smite.

God: Gabriel…

Gabriel: Uh, are we smiting now?

God: God. Fine. “Abraham.”

Abraham: Yes Lord?

God: I’m going to destroy sodom and gomorrah…. letting you know.

Abraham: What?

God: Yeah. No secrets. Relationship. For all time.

Abraham: No I mean-

God: Ltr? Communication is key. Trust me on that. 2400 years I’ve been here.

Abraham: No, I mean sodom and gomorrah.

God: Oh. What about? >Gabriel, get the heck in here right now!<

Abraham: How could you do that?

God: Yo that place is mad evil. Trust me. >Gabriel you’re missing it! You are seriously going to regret missing- oh there you are. Awesome.<

Abraham: I…I do, of course. But, and please excuse me, but are there 50 righteous men in the city to spare the city?

God: Wait I’ll check.

Gabriel: Oh my god…in sodom…

God: Right?

God: No Abraham. Sorry.

Gabriel: Ha ha!

Abraham: Wait! Lord, please.

Gabriel: Whoa. The balls on this guy.

God: I told you! Did I tell you? No, go sit in the back and mope. Dude I tell you you’ll like something, dude- you. will. like. it.

Abraham: Will you spare it for 30 righteous men?

God: Yes.

Abraham: …………….And-? Wait… no thirty men.

God: You got it.

Abraham: Ok…

Gabriel: No. Way.

Abraham: Please Lord…

Gabriel: Oh. My. God. I love this guy. Seriously? I love him.

Abraham: …would twenty work?

God: Yup.

Abraham: And…

God: Nope.

Abraham: Wow.

God: Yeah. E.Vil. I sent in my destroying angels-

Abraham: Wait! Please! Are there 10-

God: You didn’t let me finish. I was saying I sent them in and a mob just asked Lot to “Bring them out”-

Abraham: But, 10?

God: “-so we can rape them.”

Abraham: ……….”So we can rape them.”

God: Yeah.

Abraham: Shit.

God: I know. Good try though. I love you man. Keep up the good deeds and kindness. You rock.

Now on History Channel: The Lord: Angels and Abraham

24 Mar

ImageRiding the popularity of their hit miniseries, “The Bible”, The History Channel commissioned a team of cameramen to go behind the scenes for a Lord’s eye view, in “The Lord”.

Previously on The Lord…
God’s 3 angels appeared to Abraham and promised him a child the next year. The Lord said, “Shall I hide what I’m doing from Abraham?”

Pan up to God in heaven.

God: Shall I hide what I’m doing from Abraham?

Gabriel: Well, I’m not sure-

God: Uh, rhetorical, Gabriel.

Gabriel: Right.

God: Abraham’s my boy!

Gabriel: Right. I know.

God: You still have a problem with Abraham?

Gabriel: I never said that.

God: Your tone.

Gabriel: There was no tone.

God: Gabriel…

Gabriel: Fine yes. Im hurt. OK? There I said it. Abraham’s your new friend and what about us?

Michael: I statements…

Gabriel: Fine, what about me?

God: But Abraham’s the man.

Gabriel: And how do you think that makes me feel?

God: Listen Gabriel, we’re friends, but Abraham and me are just different. We have something really special. Remember? He smashed the idols, jumped into the fire? Want me to go on? Abraham and me are like this.

Gabriel: And me?! I worship you!

God: Yeah…it’s kind of creepy.

Gabriel: Creepy?!

Michael: God, whoa come on.

God: Ok Im sorry. Its nice. We’re really good friends Gabriel. We’ve been really good friends for like thousands of years. I wish you could just be happy for me-

Gabriel: You want me to jump into the fire? Is that it? I would. I’m just invulnerable, so I can’t. And you’re holding that against me. And Ok Im not complaining but I didnt ASK to have super powers. Ok? If you want me to jump into fire why don’t you ask? I’m not a mind-reader.
God: Come on man, don’t make this weird. Come here.

Gabriel: No, I just don’t get it-

God: Come on Gabriel. Come on. Hug. Ohh. There we go.

Michael: Awww!

God: I love you man.

Gabriel: Yeah…ok.

God: Come on, smile.

Gabriel: Mmmm Ok…

God: Yeah! Ok guess what, I have a surprise. We. Are. All. Going. To flip over sodom and gemorrah!

Gabriel: Ha ha! For real? Man, that place is a cesspool of evil. I was wondering when we were going there…

God: Right now guys. And I’m going to tell Abraham.

Gabriel: Oh, just do it. You don’t have to involve me.

God: Gabriel…

Gabriel: Just give me some space.

God: Ok….But it’s going to be fun, I promise.

Gabriel: Yeah…Just call me when we’re smiting.

God: Ok man.

Cut Scene to something else.

 

Rediscovering Prayer

10 Dec

My path back to prayer happened a few days ago, totally by accident. No planning or reading beforehand, no intention of prayer at all. I was heading up the stairs to go to work, and I just couldn’t do it anymore. I just stood by the foot of the stairs, looking at them, with no energy to walk up. I was just at a total loss until an old forgotten prayer, like an old forgotten friend, popped up in my mind. “Fuck”, I said softly. Then again, with a little more conviction, “Fuck”. My circumstances didn’t change at all, but somehow I found the strength to continue on, just taking it one step at a time with a whispered word of Fuck on my lips.

I didn’t think about it again until I was at a client trying to fix something that just wouldn’t go. I was getting more and more frustrated until I couldn’t stand it anymore. Suddenly, I stopped trying to fit the pieces together, put everything down and uttered a soft, heartfelt “Fuuuuck.”. The next second, I picked up the two pieces, and -miraculously?- they fit together. 

So I have found strength in Fuck. When things get too bad, I pause and turn to Fuck. Sometimes it’s such a relief to be able to stop and realize that I can’t do everything myself, and turn things over to a higher power.

Random Thoughts #7: Slogans

6 Sep

-I want to make a Viagra commercial. “Viagra. Because on your salary, cheating’s not even an option.”

-Movies need to stop using the phrase “A Timeless Classic!”. That’s a contradiction in terms. How about: “Still Watchable At Very Late Hours!”

-I have a great idea for a Presidential campaign slogan: “My ends, your means.”

-And how about this State motto: “New Jersey. Family owned for over 80 years.”

-I want to put out one of those sentimental books that go viral, like Tuesdays with Mory, or Chicken Soup for the soul. The only problem is I’m not that upbeat. I couldn’t squeeze out a “5 people you meet in heaven” no matter how much you paid me. Maybe “5 people you meet in hell”. Look, there’s your father. And there’s your fifth grade teacher who used to hit you. I think it would be popular.

Shvartza Volf

29 Aug

Here’s one of the deepest Jewish stories, both psychologically and spiritually, about the meaning of prayer and repentance:

Shlomo Carlebach – Shvartza Volf (Black Wolf)

And here’s somebody making fun of it (hilariously, until about halfway through when he pretty much runs out of material):

The Henry Ford Museum Three-ever After

23 Aug

Well, it seems a couple of people think I pushed the racial line with my 2nd Henry Ford museum post. Apparently, mentioning that Detroit city is predominantly poor and black is taking it too far. Next time, I’ll only make fun of old people, midgets, Jews, nerds, and faygelehs (but not fags) so everybody can laugh guilt-free.

But I didn’t mean to offend anybody, so to make it up anyone who was, I’m starting off with pictures from the tolerance exhibit. As before, I will try my best to put the pictures into context, but I can’t promise it’s all going to be as accurate as if I’d read the little exhibit signs:

"The Imperial Night Hawk", an early action hero from KKKomics.

These appear to be tiny public washing machines from Alabama:

They said this was the Rosa Parks bus, but I remember it being grey with a white top in the picture in my 6th grade textbook , so I don't know.


Other exhibits:

Early version of the assembly line. "Over to the left a bit. Ok........drop."

A wall of old phones.

Holy crap! Is that the 1st gen iphone?

Tough Guy Phrases

18 Aug

A lot of times when I need to enter a tough situation, I plan out in my head beforehand how it’s gonna go down. Unfortunately, I usually factor in that I’m a SEAL, so when I get there and remember I have no balls, I’m left clueless. Afterwards, I’m really confused. Wait, when he said, “We don’t take take used returns on Tuesdays”, I said “Oh I didn’t realize.” That sounds a little off. When was I supposed to say, “Die Motherfucker Die”?

Anyhow, I was thinking it over and I’ve come up with a few tough phrases I’ve always wanted to say in conversation, but never had the guts to do so:

“I was balls to the walls.”

“Let’s talk turkey, my friend…”

“My friend…”

“Hell on wheels.”

“That’s my final offer.”

“You want a piece of me?”

“Let’s do this.”

“Please stop hitting me.”