Tag Archives: drugs

I want to be an alcoholic.

13 Feb

You heard that right, I still have goals. Why? First of all, having an addiction gives you something to do with your time. Plus, it gives you a solid excuse that everyone you know can blame things on. Nobody asks you any more loaded questions like “So, are you dating anyone now?” Or, “You’re still working there?” Because one, they feel bad for you, what with your life savagely hijacked by “the drugs” Continue reading


Remembering The Good Old Days

17 Aug

I used to think that the old days were so much cooler than our boring times. Then I learned some unfortunate facts. Like my uncle has pneumonia now. He’s on antibiotics and steroids and whatnot, and the doctors expect him to get over it in a few weeks. 70 years ago, if you got pneumonia, you might as well go pick out a gravestone. 

Yes, in the olden days, doctors made house calls. The doctor would come over, check you out, and diagnose you.

“Hey little Jimmy, you got pneumonia.”

“What do I do?”

“Well, I’m going to give you a bottle of pills made out of sugar, and you can take as many as want.”

“What else?”

“What else? What else is I’m getting the hell out of here as soon as I can. Then you’re pretty much on your own. You know what, have your mother call my office and I’ll mail you a case of heroin.”

If you think I’m exaggerating, my great-uncle got pneumonia when he was a kid in the 1930’s. The doctor gave him an examination and told his mother to pray. Yes, pray. “That’ll be a dollar. Goodbye.”

And the heroin thing? Drugs weren’t only legal, Coke advertised that it had cocaine in the product name. The first war on drugs was an actual war between Britain & China called the Opium War. Civilized Britain won and was therefore able to continue shipping heroin into China. In the most popular mystery series of the 1880’s, the hero, Sherlock Holmes, routinely injected cocaine intravenously.

That’s beside all the minor things, like no washing machines, vacuums, phones, cars, planes, efficient heating, air conditioning, money, laws, society, speech, food, sex, and breathing. It was just dark and dreary and then you went to hell.

Conversations With Jewish Hippies

24 Jun

(Cross-posted on Frumsatire)

How come whenever I eat food at a kiddush, I invariably get a lecture from one of my Jewish hippy friends? As much as I try to steer the conversation to something else, these helpful folks continue trying to save me. Ever have one of these?

“Hey M-, Shabbat shalom. I noticed you’re eating a lot of cholent. You know, that’s carcinogenic.

“Hey- what? Cholent?”

“Yeah. It has trans fats and saturated fats all cooking together to give you cholesterol, heart disease, high blood pressure-”

“Please. Stop. Don’t tell me this while I’m eating. I don’t have a history of any of those things in my family. And I can always take Lipitor when the time comes.”

“Drugs? You’ll shoot yourself full of those chemicals that Big Pharma is stuffing down our throats? Just eat healthy and you won’t need to. You know for thousands of years people didn’t need drugs. All of a sudden, we’re all taking drugs and getting shot full of vaccinations and we have all these new problems.”

“What are you even talking about? Nobody’s stuffing anything down my throat. And didn’t you do drugs for a while when you were a witch? Never mind- if I’m sick, I go to a doctor, do what he says and get better.”

“I’m not a witch anymore. And those drugs were natural. Anyhow- yeah, now you’re getting better, but in the long run, you’re making yourself sicker. How come we haven’t heard of Autism until recently? Why are we hearing about people getting cancer only recently?”

“Maybe because you don’t know any history. Ever hear of rampant childhood illnesses? No? That’s because evil Big Science took care of that. The plague? Pneumonia?”

“It’s not good to shoot yourself full of anti-biotics when you get a cold. You create super-diseases that can take over the world. Then scientists have to create super-drugs. Did you know that?”

“So what should I do?”

“Let your body take care of it. You can drink wheatgrass and Vitamin C juice to help. Nature can deal with natural illnesses. Your body is the most powerful cancer-fighting machine around.”

“I can’t believe you just said that. You know what, when the civilized world ends in a nuclear explosion and there are no more scientists around I’ll stop taking drugs and eating cholent. Of course, then I’ll be eating rats I catch in a repurposed toaster oven which probably isn’t very healthy either.”

PSA’s And Common Sense Don’t Play Nice

31 May

By now you’ve probably realized that I usually look for the good in everything, but just this once, let me show you how someone else is a moron. I was listening to a public service announcement on the radio about talking to your kids about sex and drugs which touted this statistic: Kids who speak to their parents about drugs are 50% less likely to use them. That’s nice. But it doesn’t justify spending billions of tax dollars on these futile PSA’s. Hear me out.

PSA’s are pointless. This has been proven by independent researchers studying a billion dollar federal campaign against Marijuana. I’m sure that to some people, this seems shocking. Why would the government keep pumping money into a project if the data doesn’t support it? And how could public awareness campaigns using fear, jokes, peer pressure, and every other behavioral tool in the book not have any effect?

The answer to the first question should be fairly obvious. The campaigns are not run by experts, they’re run by bureaucrats diverting public funds into their own projects. The second one is a bit more complicated, but can be best understood with a nice mashal my friend, a Rebbi in an elementary school, gives to explain why “extra credit” is pointless.

If you ever go to a car wash, and look at the cars on line, you’ll notice that they’re generally very clean even before they go in. The reason is because people who take their cars to be washed care about their cars. They spend their time and money making sure they look good. The only one who actually needs the car wash doesn’t care how it looks.

The same thing applies by extra credit. The kids who make the extra effort already care about their performance and have good scores. The ones who need the extra points don’t care to work during the actual class. So why would you possibly think they’re going to work extra on their free time?

Bad, rebellious behavior is the same way. Kids who rebel are rebelling against what authority is telling them what to do. Destructive or nonproductive behavior doesn’t exist in a vacuum. It is establishing a personal identity by ensuring that the behavior isn’t a desired result of the controlling, parental figures. So now, some idiot thinks that this behavior being “experimented” with is going to be controlled by putting out more controlling messages?

Similarly, kids who have parents that speak with them probably have a good relationship with them and don’t feel compelled to act out. Kids who have a bad relationship with their parents and don’t speak with them aren’t going to stop doing destructive things because their parent forces them to listen to a lecture.