Tag Archives: funny

Funniest Asifa Tweets

22 May

I don’t know if you’ve seen this- this guy collected the best tweets from the asifa. Some good ones:

There’s a double header tonite. Next up is the Amish versus the Automobiles.@shmulyt
Citi Field Security Guards Report to the Media that this asifa is Biggest Crowd to be in this Stadium since opened. @vosiznies
Schools from here on will only accept those without Internet and rich people.

I am missing my brother at the asifa. He was last seen wearing a white shirt, black jacket and hat and had glasses.

Anti-internet asifa could have been about accepting the net and teaching about responsible use instead of more hocking.
“Wi-Fi sucks in here.”

No mention of children abuse scandals. Repeated mention of how the internet corrupts children. @SeanPatrickCoop


Chinuch Roundtable: Is it worse to talk to girls online or in person?

29 Apr


Heshy Fried from Frumsatire put this question out as a frumsatire take-off of the heilegeh Yated’s “Chinuch Roundtable”. Here’s my answer (Note: There’s some yiddish here):

As part of our chinuch roundtable, we posed this week’s question to Rav Yosef Moshe Horowitz, Rosh Yeshiva, Yeshivas Chofetz Chlayim, a well respected yeshiva in Lakewood, NJ. (Not to be confused with Yeshiva Chofetz Chaim, a farkrumteh, modernishe ’Yeshiva’ in Queens, NY.) Rav Horowitz is a well-known musmach of heintegeh gedolim and a pedagogue par exellance, world-renowned for his brilliant erudition and expert advice on major issues of our dor, from the shidduch crisis to the sheitel crisis. 

The general taivah you’re referring to has nebech been around as long as Jews have lived in America, ubber my talmidim have told me that in the last few months there has been epes a zach called “Chatrooms”, where boys and girls mamesh sit and talk to each other with no busha bichlal. And it’s worse than that. Amul, you had to sneak around friday night to chap a schmooze with girls or get a quick handjob in the shul parking lot and shoyn, ge’endig, that was it. Today, it’s much more dangerous. Bochurim have told me that they’ve had long conversations and developed something called “feelings” for girls. These are very strong  attachments that are mamesh created inside a mensh. Niflaos Haboirei! One bochur described them as similar to kana’us, ubber fakert.

Clearly, this Online Chatting is much more serious than talking to girls in person. In fact, I saw a teshuvah included in the definitive new Chidushei Maran HaGri”z (smackdown edition, 2012), where the Rav is asked, and I’m translating directly from the hebrew, ”Now that you’re in the twilight of your life, having witnessed firsthand the tremendous positive and negative impacts of so many breakthroughs in technology, what are your thoughts on the future of mankind?”, the Rav writes back, ”Assur.”

Gradah, derech agav, in our yeshiva, we’ve set up a service streaming porn 24/7 over wifi to take care of this shreklecheh matziv. Al tiftach peh, but Baruch hashem we haven’t had a single episode of talking to girls this entire year.

Heshy, a groiseh y’shkoiach for making this issue public.

Kol Tuv,

Yossel Meisheh Horowitz (shlit”a)

Here’s my proposed question for next week:

Dear Chinuch Roundtable,

My 4 year old son recently started asking me all kinds of questions about the nature of Hashem. Questions like, “how strong is he?” “How old is he?” When I try to give him an honest answer, like “We dont know exactly”, he counters with “But why?” He has answers, not questions. Unfortunately, due to legal concerns, I cant throw him out of the house yet, and he is still corrupting my other children, ages 1 and 2, with his apikursus. What should I do?

Hmm? What’s your answer?

Creative Writing And Masturbation

16 Mar

writing and masturbating

Here’s a great article from points in case to keep you busy while I do something with family this weekend to gather more material. For reasons unknown to me, linking you to the site magical turns this into non-plagiarism:

Creative Writing and Masturbation Have a Lot in Common

It’s just you and your laptop, banging one out together.

By Bill Dixon

I wouldn’t dare call myself an expert in creative writing. Although it’s something I do daily, it feels pretentious to apply a hierarchical model to the creation of art. Words like “expert” or “professional” seem silly when applied to something as arbitrary as creativity.

The fruits of your labor come in spurts. This is the classic writer’s cop-out, deputized at Thanksgiving when you return home from whichever metropolis you have chosen to sublet a closet-sized bedroom. Family and friends ask you how the “writing thing” is going and you regurgitate the prepared statement you concocted at the airport while scanning the never-ending parade of black luggage as it spilled onto the conveyor belt at baggage claim.

You’re a writer and you don’t write for The New York Times, The Daily Show, or Two and a Half Men, so you will need an excuse for not achieving the non-writing public’s apparent minimum requirement to be called a “real writer.”

“You know what show I like? That Breaking Bad!” your functionally illiterate uncle declares. “That’s a good show. You should write for them.”

Thanks, Uncle Hasn’t-Paid-Child-Support-In-Three-Years. When I was digging through the couch cushions looking for change to buy bologna I must have totally spaced and forgot to call Bryan Cranston to let him know I’d put together a few episodes this season and that it would be best to just make the $22,000 check out to cash for accounting reasons.

But I can tell you with no trepidation that I am in fact an expert in masturbation. I mean that in the purest sense. I mean expert as in if there were masturbation murders, I could give expert testimony in the court of law. I mean expert as in Malcolm Gladwell’s 10,000 Hour Rule expert. It’s not a paying gig but to friends and family, on the scale of professional achievement, it’s probably on par with writing.

“At least it’s physical,” Mom might say. “My son, the professional athlete.”

When you consider it, the similarities between masturbation and creative writing are uncanny:

Both generally happen in front of a laptop with countless windows open on your desktop.

In both cases you become detached from reality while constructing complex narratives.

Both are difficult to do in public.

In both cases, it’s generally annoying to have someone peering over your shoulder looking at your “work” before it’s done.

Both are emotionally and physically exhausting.

Both take way longer if you’re drunk.

Both are wildly dissatisfying if not finished.

Both are impossible to do with an iPad.

And most importantly, regardless of what your parents think, your friends think or the world thinks, you are going to do both until you are physically and mentally incapable of doing so any longer. Not because you’re stubborn and not because you are a fiend, but because your constitution will simply not permit you to stop. It’s in your DNA and it’s as natural as breathing.

And oh yeah:

Both are difficult to do while driving.

Sem Girls Says

25 Feb

Have you seen this?

How To Hack A Coke Machine

9 Feb

Continue reading

CollegeHumor is the best thing ever O (That’s a giant period.)

26 Jan

Awesome Rant About Sphardi Guys

23 Jan

Ok, this video isn’t really about sphardi guys. But it just happens to be the best video I’ve seen on the topic.

Get out of jail free: Obviously, this is a generalization, and tons of sphardim I know are not anything like this. Can’t we all just get along for 7 minutes and enjoy a nice racist video?