Tag Archives: God

The Lord: Abraham, Part II

24 Mar


Cut back to scene.

God: Seriously Gabriel, if you could just, you know, look at this objectively, you would really like him too. I know you.

Gabriel: No. You and Abraham chat. OK? Me and you smite.

God: Gabriel…

Gabriel: Uh, are we smiting now?

God: God. Fine. “Abraham.”

Abraham: Yes Lord?

God: I’m going to destroy sodom and gomorrah…. letting you know.

Abraham: What?

God: Yeah. No secrets. Relationship. For all time.

Abraham: No I mean-

God: Ltr? Communication is key. Trust me on that. 2400 years I’ve been here.

Abraham: No, I mean sodom and gomorrah.

God: Oh. What about? >Gabriel, get the heck in here right now!<

Abraham: How could you do that?

God: Yo that place is mad evil. Trust me. >Gabriel you’re missing it! You are seriously going to regret missing- oh there you are. Awesome.<

Abraham: I…I do, of course. But, and please excuse me, but are there 50 righteous men in the city to spare the city?

God: Wait I’ll check.

Gabriel: Oh my god…in sodom…

God: Right?

God: No Abraham. Sorry.

Gabriel: Ha ha!

Abraham: Wait! Lord, please.

Gabriel: Whoa. The balls on this guy.

God: I told you! Did I tell you? No, go sit in the back and mope. Dude I tell you you’ll like something, dude- you. will. like. it.

Abraham: Will you spare it for 30 righteous men?

God: Yes.

Abraham: …………….And-? Wait… no thirty men.

God: You got it.

Abraham: Ok…

Gabriel: No. Way.

Abraham: Please Lord…

Gabriel: Oh. My. God. I love this guy. Seriously? I love him.

Abraham: …would twenty work?

God: Yup.

Abraham: And…

God: Nope.

Abraham: Wow.

God: Yeah. E.Vil. I sent in my destroying angels-

Abraham: Wait! Please! Are there 10-

God: You didn’t let me finish. I was saying I sent them in and a mob just asked Lot to “Bring them out”-

Abraham: But, 10?

God: “-so we can rape them.”

Abraham: ……….”So we can rape them.”

God: Yeah.

Abraham: Shit.

God: I know. Good try though. I love you man. Keep up the good deeds and kindness. You rock.


Now on History Channel: The Lord: Angels and Abraham

24 Mar

ImageRiding the popularity of their hit miniseries, “The Bible”, The History Channel commissioned a team of cameramen to go behind the scenes for a Lord’s eye view, in “The Lord”.

Previously on The Lord…
God’s 3 angels appeared to Abraham and promised him a child the next year. The Lord said, “Shall I hide what I’m doing from Abraham?”

Pan up to God in heaven.

God: Shall I hide what I’m doing from Abraham?

Gabriel: Well, I’m not sure-

God: Uh, rhetorical, Gabriel.

Gabriel: Right.

God: Abraham’s my boy!

Gabriel: Right. I know.

God: You still have a problem with Abraham?

Gabriel: I never said that.

God: Your tone.

Gabriel: There was no tone.

God: Gabriel…

Gabriel: Fine yes. Im hurt. OK? There I said it. Abraham’s your new friend and what about us?

Michael: I statements…

Gabriel: Fine, what about me?

God: But Abraham’s the man.

Gabriel: And how do you think that makes me feel?

God: Listen Gabriel, we’re friends, but Abraham and me are just different. We have something really special. Remember? He smashed the idols, jumped into the fire? Want me to go on? Abraham and me are like this.

Gabriel: And me?! I worship you!

God: Yeah…it’s kind of creepy.

Gabriel: Creepy?!

Michael: God, whoa come on.

God: Ok Im sorry. Its nice. We’re really good friends Gabriel. We’ve been really good friends for like thousands of years. I wish you could just be happy for me-

Gabriel: You want me to jump into the fire? Is that it? I would. I’m just invulnerable, so I can’t. And you’re holding that against me. And Ok Im not complaining but I didnt ASK to have super powers. Ok? If you want me to jump into fire why don’t you ask? I’m not a mind-reader.
God: Come on man, don’t make this weird. Come here.

Gabriel: No, I just don’t get it-

God: Come on Gabriel. Come on. Hug. Ohh. There we go.

Michael: Awww!

God: I love you man.

Gabriel: Yeah…ok.

God: Come on, smile.

Gabriel: Mmmm Ok…

God: Yeah! Ok guess what, I have a surprise. We. Are. All. Going. To flip over sodom and gemorrah!

Gabriel: Ha ha! For real? Man, that place is a cesspool of evil. I was wondering when we were going there…

God: Right now guys. And I’m going to tell Abraham.

Gabriel: Oh, just do it. You don’t have to involve me.

God: Gabriel…

Gabriel: Just give me some space.

God: Ok….But it’s going to be fun, I promise.

Gabriel: Yeah…Just call me when we’re smiting.

God: Ok man.

Cut Scene to something else.


I’m not a lost soul.

3 Apr

One thing baalei teshuva and kiruv-minded people ask me when I mention I’m not so enthusiastic about Hashem (so basically, online) is why I don’t approach it another way. Sometimes, the chassidic minded will quote me the story of what a certain Rebbe told an apikores one time: “The God you don’t believe in, I don’t believe in either.” Why don’t I find God on my own?

These people don’t realize the difference between me and them. I’m not lost or whatever else. I have always had a relationship with God and I’m purposely avoiding him. No matter what I learn, or read, or believe intellectually, no matter how spiritual or scientific or agnostic or atheistic I think in my rational mind, in my core being, I KNOW God. And I know he’s a jerk.

I’ve pretended otherwise, and tried look at him some other nice way, but that’s never REAL God. That will always be superficial, a fiction I’ll always know I created in my own imagination. Real God is the one I’ve been with my entire life, the one I’ve shared every moment with since as far back as I can remember

Real God doesn’t care how I feel or if I love other people or take care of the environment or some other bullshit. Real God gave an old man a book of commandments a long time ago, and he expects me to follow them or he’ll kill me. Sof davar hakol nishma es haelokim yirah vi’es mitzvosav shmor ki ze kol ha’adam. That’s what Real God says to me.

The Accident, Part 2

29 Mar

Read part one here. He took my hand. It went dark, and suddenly, I could see my father as a kid, 7 or 8 years old. I recognized his face from a picture my grandmother kept. He was playing with a small toy in his room, when a man, my grandfather, walked in drunk. My father flinched. So did I.

Instantly, we evaporated and reappeared in the blackness of space, blue Earth and yellow sun nowhere in sight.

“Where-?” I started to say.

“Look there.” God said.

He pointed to the star dominating our view. As I looked closer, it actually seemed like there were two stars, when Bam! my entire filed of vision was filled with a brighter light than I’d ever thought possible. As I watched, a star came shooting out if the explosion, with a mass of bright white gas filling everywhere.

“That’s the start of life.” God said. “Everything living in this solar system will die. But the materials for real life have just been made. Do you understand?”


“And that’s fine. The world will go on without you according to plan. My plan. You led the life I made you live. Anything you think you should have or could have done, you obviously couldn’t. You are a piece in the puzzle. Don’t get too upset for not being able to see the whole board.”

I breathed and relaxed.

“There we are. Just let everything go. There we are.”

And then, something popped into my mind. Clear, pushing everything else out.

“Wait!” I shouted. “Wait! I can’t go! My daughter! Who will take care of my daughter? I still have something I need to do!”

God frowned slightly and said, “You can’t go back now. Everything will work out somehow. We’re going to a place where all this will make sense. Just relax.”

“NO!” I screamed. “I can’t relax. Take me back! I can’t enjoy anything while I abandon her.”

“But didn’t you just abandon her before?”  God said. And He looked, well, puzzled. There was no way else to describe it.

“I didn’t believe then. I do now.”

And God suddenly changed form into a giant dark angel, raised an eyebrow and then vanished.

“God?” I said. “God? Where are you?”

“I’m here”, a voice boomed out from everywhere. “You may go back to Earth.”

“What?” I said, stunned. “What happened-? This was all a game? Was that even you?”

“I think you know who that was.”

“But why?”

“Well, people seem to like him better.”

“Why did you play this game with me?” I tried to come up with something. “Was this a contest between you two for my soul?”

“Don’t be an idiot.” I felt stupid. He continued, “This wasn’t a game. This was the point of your life. Everything you were put through, and everything you did, led up to this moment. Satan wasn’t lying when he told you this- you have personally never made a choice in your life. You think you have. But everything was really worked out by outside forces. To get you to this point. To get you here, so that when, for the first time, there was nothing making you choose one way to go, you would be faced with a choice of putting someone else’s happiness over your own. And you chose theirs. Let’s go.”

We appeared on Earth, at my house.

“Touch the ground”, God said.

I touched it. I could fell myself being poured into the ground through my fingers. I felt myself starting to become a part of it. But something was wrong. Something was horribly wrong. I pulled my fingers back. I felt like I’d been punched in the chest. My Self jumped back immediately.

“No.” I said. “No. God, what are you doing?”

The voice boomed, “You are becoming the Earth. You will become trees and flowers and plants and worms and small animals. You cannot go back as a person. Knowing would make you a useless human being. Ignorance is essential.”

“But I don’t want this. How will I help my daughter?”

“You are a few seconds away from death in your current form. There is no changing reality. You have made the correct choice. You will remain here and be a part of my perfect creation.”

“But…” I sputtered. “But what about heaven?” A tear fell on my cheek. “How will I see my daughter if I don’t go to heaven.”

God didn’t answer me. But I heard the small man whispering into my ear. “Heaven? Baby, don’t you know the song? Heaven is a place on Earth.”


Note: Ok, sorry for fucking you over like that. 😉 I just couldn’t think of a nice ending that would be as good.

The Accident, Part 1.

27 Mar

“Ah-Hahahaha!” The laughter just shot out of nowhere, and with it, all other sensation stopped. Time stopped. One second, I was driving my car, the next, everything around me froze. Not me, for some reason. I moved around in my seat, turned the steering wheel, slammed on the pedals again and again. Nothing. Nothing and laughter.

“Who- what’s going on? Who is that? C-come out here!”

“Ah-ha..” The laughter broke off. A still chuckling voice said, “Why don’t you come out here?”

Then, a hand melted in through the roof and pulled me out of the car by my collar. The ceiling fabric moved apart like dryer lint, the metal roof melted like wax. I stood on what remained of the roof and turned to face a short man in a double-breasted suit.

“A leprechaun?” I said without thinking.

“Yeah, basically”, the man said. “I thought you’d take me better that way. God, by the way.”

“I’m sorry?”

“I’m God. Hashem. You used to call me that. I liked that.”

“I’m sorry. I just- things didn’t work ou-“

“I know, no need to apologize. That’s how it goes. I’m just saying it felt nice, not trying to give you guilt. It’d just be awkward for both of us if you kept calling me that now.”

“Yeah. Um….Wow. I-I can’t believe it’s actually you. I don’t know what to say.

“I’m sure you’ll think of something, Shimmy. It’s ok if I call you that, right?”

“Yeah, God. Listen, I- hey, um…” I stopped and reached over to grab the small man in a suit into a hug. “It’s really good to see you.”

“Ah”, he said, hugging back. “Great to see you too.” He paused and then said softly, “We need to go now.”

I pulled back a little. “But I thought-…what’s all this for then? I asked you to save me and you did.”

“No…you killed yourself.

“No! I know exactly what I said.” I said, “If you’re really there, then here’s your chance to prove it.” I don’t mean to contradict you, but that’s exactly what I said. I thought it over and over in the car and then said it right before…”

“…before you drove into the guardrail.”

“Yes. I know what I did.”

“I’m not being mean. I’m just pointing out that that’s not belief. That’s giving up. If you really believed, you wouldn’t need proof.”

“So? So what?”

“Well, that’s not the way it works. There are rules to this world. I know you don’t understand that, but you will where we’re going.”

“But I- I spoke to you. I didn’t just ask anyone. I asked you. Tell me why it it doesn’t work that way.”

God looked around at the frozen scene around him, the frozen speeding car, the frozen trees blown by the frozen wind, the frozen gravel flying off the frozen spinning tires. “Well, it looks like we have some time”, he said, grinning. “Come on.”

God’s Court Jester

27 Feb

A conversation with my brother:

Me: The classic yeshivish argument is that God is good because look at everything he does for us. Why would he create us out of nothing and give us watermelon and babes and sunshine, right? That’s probably what philosopher cows think too. “This is the life. Hanging with my cows, eating grass, banging other cows, I’m blessed.” They don’t realize the whole thing’s a set up to go to the great circular saw in the sky.

Brother: So God’s harvesting us.

Me: Yeah, you don’t know. He puts nice things here to ease it along for us. He has his own evil reasons. He loves eating souls, but he doesn’t like them plain. That’d be like cannibalism to him, right? They need to be matured and seasoned here first. Sometimes he likes happy ones, sometimes vicious ones, sometimes he likes depressed, sometimes tough with a pain-filled gooey middle.

Brother: You’re out of your mind. Who the hell thinks of these kinds of things? OK, so God’s doing all this, why do you care? If you’re a smart cow, you just enjoy life as it goes along, and who the heck cares about what happens when you die?

Me: That’s true. That would be the smart way to look at things, I just can’t. I’m too involved with the whole afterlife idea. I mean life sucks here if you think about it. You build up a life and then it’s slowly pulled away from you. You’re body breaks down, your friends die, you can’t eat. Eventually, you’re stuck in a home with tubes inserted to keep stuff going in and out, and the highlight of your day is if the Jamaican nurse says hello to you that day while cleaning you up. Oh- that’s if you don’t get shut down by a horrible disease first. I mean, my life sucks right now. If I got cancer or something, I’d quit right then. No cut-out tongue or whatever. “Itche’s battling cancer.” Fuck that. Battle over, you win. I’m outta here.

Brother: Yeah, I guess that’s true. That’s why you have to believe in it. Then everything is worth it.

Me: I don’t think so. I mean, I would if I could, really. It just doesn’t work. I really think if God exists, he has some other purpose for all of us. You know, his own purpose.

Brother: Right, he’s eating our souls.

Me: *laughing* Exactly!…Hey, it’s just as likely, right? You agree.

Brother: No, because God is up there and all-knowing and all-powerful, and if he does have this evil purpose, why would I want to piss him off? 

Me: What’s the worst that could happen? This place is a hell-hole as it is. So what, I get 11 months in hell? It’s 11 months. I’ll be boiling in semen for 11 months. I’ve had worse.

Brother: *laughs* It’s always semen for some reason, right? Where are they getting all that semen? *laughs* Well, why don’t you just imagine he’s good? It’s the better half of the equation here, and you have a good chance it’s all worth it.

Me: That’s good for you. I heard the Baal Shemtov said God acts towards you like you act towards him. So you have your own reality and I have mine, and they’re both true.

Brother: Yeah, but yours sucks. Why wouldn’t you act towards him my way?

Me: He’d know I was lying.

Brother: *Hahahaha!*

Me: Seriously, I have my own relationship with God. Everybody else sees him as the good king, and they come and ask him to help them out. Or, other people- atheists, right- are, like, warring against him, trying to pull him off the throne. I’m like the court jester. I’m with God in his court all the time, and I know he’s a putz. But God keeps me around because I’m entertaining. All the other people are there begging and whatever and God has to be serious and always play the game with them, even though secretly, he’s just keeping them going for his secret plan. He has nobody who gets him. That’s why I’m there. People come in and say things like, “Oh, Lord, open your hand and satisfy-” and I just cut them off with really loud fart noises. And God is pretending he’s angry with me, and like, “Don’t be afraid of him, my precious daughter. Continue.” But secretly, he’s laughing his ass off.

Brother: You hope.

Me: Well, he hasn’t killed me yet. Right? I’m still here.

Brother: Thank God.

Me: Sometimes, I can get this Zen moment where I see someone like failing horribly, like, life just keep falling on him, divorce, you know, losing his job.  And he gets back up and then gets cancer- and there’s nothing I can possibly do, so that biological “help” mechanism isn’t automatically engaged- like, situations where I’d usually go “Oy, terrible.” Now, something just clicks the thought rail-road tracks in my brain onto this other path, and I just pull out of the human view, and into the God-eyed view, and I just can’t stop laughing at how fucking funny it is. This whole playground of people wandering around, pushing against an empty wheel with all their might.

Brother: *laughing* And that’s your spiritual moment. Man, you’re so messed up.

Finding Science…Losing God.

2 Feb

BY: JohnTheSavage091

“Science without Religion is Lame, Religion without Science is Blind.”
–Albert Einstein.

I am going into the science field. Without sharing the unnecessary details, for the past few years I have been exposed to and absorbing ways and patterns of thinking that have drastically affected my outlook on the world around me. I can’t help it. Science is truly amazing. It could be learning about astronomy, the supposed extra dimensions of our universe and particle physics or heck, even yesterday for lunch I forgot the food halfway to my mouth as I sat struck by the amazingness of Planet Earth on HDTV (looooooooooooooooooooooove it!!) But jokes aside, there is a price to be paid for gaining this vantage point on life.

When you seek out the details of life’s inner working, you remove the mystery and magic that surrounds it. I can only compare it to a child’s trip through a haunted house. Send him through it without any prior knowledge and the boy will no doubt jump as the slightest shadow; see a terrifying monster where the darkness hides an amorphous blob of something vague. Yet take that same child in the daytime, equipped with a sufficient flashlight, explain to him every inch and corner and dark closet and instantly all the horror disappears.

I want a purpose in my life. Like old Al says, I want them both: Religion and Science. But how can I? When I look around us, I see that we’re just an infinitely miniscule, ultimately meaningless consequence of the universe. How can one see a God with a setting like that?