Tag Archives: humor

Would I be good in Kiruv?

17 Oct

Sometimes I wonder if I’d be successful doing kiruv. Or rabbanus. Off the bat, you’re gonna laugh, I know, and the pros and cons here don’t paint a great picture either, but I wonder if the actual baalei teshuva/geirim/spiritually-minded in the audience would care to weigh in here.

Cons: 1. I can’t look at Jewish propaganda. A Jewish grandfather and kid laughing with white yarmulkes on and some Israel/family ad makes me cringe. An interenet meme hijacked by some mitzvah motivator makes me want to find a slightly overweight man in a suit with a black hat and trimmed beard and punch them hard, repeatedly. (You want to see someone profaning holy things? Foul Bachelor Frog promoting shacharis with only the barest pretense of humor evident.)

I can’t stand the davening. I barely ever do it except maybe once a week in shul, and then I leave out all the stuff that makes my skin crawl. Which is basically every other sentence.

I can’t imagine having to represent Judaism every second of the day. Wait, I kind of do that with my yarmulke on all the time. But that’s off sometimes, like at the beach. Plus, I don’t have to do public events and get my face plastered all over.

Pros:

1. I like people listening to me.

2. I hate my job now.

3. I actually know the Jewish religion/philosophy/practice really well.

4. Hot women will suddenly be approaching ME for conversation.

5. I’m a pretty good speaker. I’m funny, and I can spin a pretty good vort out of most parshios out there. With life lessons thrown in at opportune moments.

5. Everything I say will suddenly have the weight of 3500 years of serious tradition behind it. Proxy respect, you say? My ego can’t tell the difference!

Now on to questionable areas: Would prospective religion seekers like my ideas? I can see it going both ways. Very broadly, here’s my outlook summed up in a hypothetical kiruv conversation.

Rabbi Dicker, Will I find ultimate truth in frum Judaism?

It really depends. I don’t know you well enough. It’s definitely possible you’ll be very happy for a while. Of course, then you might become even more depressed after investing your life in it and hating it. I’m not touching this one.

Is the Torah true?

Oh god. I don’t know. OK, probably not. Wait, wait! I’m just speaking rationally. You know, statistically speaking, with all the other competing traditions out there. And all the unbelievable myths, and antiquated beliefs you’ll undoubtedly find while learning through it. But really, Joanne, why does it matter?

Why does it ma-?

Yes. Let’s look at the facts on the ground here. Clearly people have a need for religion. Look at you, growing up in a secularized, rational, environment, looking now for that old time religion to follow. It’s hard going into the world by ourselves. Maybe biologically, we need this emotional support to be happy in life. Go to the most remote, ancient, primitive, villages on Earth, and they’ll all have sacred rituals that connect them with some higher forces. Just accept it and be happy. And if you’re being smart about the whole thing, while you’re at it, why not choose the one with the rituals that don’t creep you out, and that you’re already kind of familiar with, and that brings back those positive childhood memories of going to grandpa’s house?”

Hmm? Anyone think my spiel has merit? Think it’ll win me enough congregants to make Anshei Agnostics a success?

You know what? It doesn’t matter. Because at it’s essence, isn’t kiruv really just about showing a nice, smiling family around a shabbos table to people who are too emotionally screwed up to ever have it? I can do that. Shit, who am I kidding? I can’t pull that off. Maybe I’ll become a male stripper.

CollegeHumor is the best thing ever O (That’s a giant period.)

26 Jan

I’m a Yeshiva Guy; Please Let Me Know If I’m Sexually Harassing You.

21 Jan

By: Anonymous Yeshiva Guy

I was at a coffee shop the other day, and the girl behind the counter was really cute. But I didn’t flirt with her, or ask her out; I just ogled her breasts while she made my coffee and rang up my order. I think her finger touched mine when she gave back the credit card. Either her finger or maybe it was the receipt.

Sometimes I wonder just how much of a socially awkward pervert the women I come in contact with think I am. Back when I was still trying to keep the halachos about looking at and dealing with women, this wasn’t really a problem. I would have averted my gaze, and certainly wouldn’t be trying to check out the girl at the next table while she sits there (I’ve got a really nice view right now, and if she’d just shift her legs a drop…). But now I’m looking, and don’t really know if I have the skills to do it without being a creep.

It could be I don’t really care either. I don’t care what that shiksa will think of me; I’m not going to ask her out anyway. All these women are off limits anyway, and are only good for looking at. Not that I would know what to say if I was willing to ask her out.

There’s also the issue that lack of exposure has made me a tad more sensitive to this than my classmates- although that is fading. When one classmate sat down across from me at a meet-and-greet with a V necked blouse that opened all the way to below her breasts- was I supposed to be looking anywhere else? (Rant: Then, that same classmate complained that at interviews the interviewer was checking her out. Well, what else did she expect? Is she dressing like that for any other reason? You’ll notice that mens shirts don’t show nearly as much chest- because nobody wants to see it, and nobody wants to show it.)

Really, I am not otherwise socially awkward- I just have no exposure to what is socially acceptable when dealing with girls in a sexual way. I’m always surprised by the casual comments my male friends in school will make to my female friends, about the sweater they’re wearing or that their hair looks nice today. (It IS creepy when the professor does it, right?). I’ve only complimented exactly 2 girls on their looks; after dating for a long time, and at least once only because it was what I was supposed to do. I don’t think I would be able to tell the difference between the type of compliment it would be ok to make to married woman and the type that would get you laid out by her husband. Or between flirting and a creepy advance.

I guess I should be thankful for my lack of ability; I really do want (and not want) to be frum, and there’s no telling what I’d be doing if I actually had the guts and the skill to flirt or ask a girl out. I really would like to marry a frum girl, and really do want her to be my first (and I’m sure we’ll figure it out just fine- I’m much smarter than all the teens who are figuring it out in the backseat of their car.)

So, if you ever find yourself doing business with me, or working with me, or going to school with me- try and let me know if I’m sexually harassing you. And maybe tell that girl over there I wouldn’t mind buying her coffee, and whatever else she wants to do after that.

Shit Middle Eastern Guys Say

20 Jan

Most of these Shit ___ say videos are just offensive without being funny, but this one’s actually good.

*Update: I’m in the middle of reading Elie Wiesel’s book Souls On Fire about the original Chassidishe Rebbes, and it’s amazing. Someone should do a video like Stuff Early Rebbes Said vs. Stuff Rebbes Today Said.

Random Thoughts: Words To Live By

18 Jan

Life really is like a box of chocolates. Most people are trying to get at the caramels or the truffles. But if you want to do it smarter, you’ll try to develop a taste for the raspberry ones. That way, you’ll always get what you want, and you won’t have to kill yourself or anyone else to get it. And at the end of the day, what does it matter who got the more popular chocolate? You both had chocolate, and you’re both going to be dead forever. Of course, I’ve never met any person who actually lived like this, I’m just saying it’s smarter.

Jblog Resurrector: Manishevitz on Urbandictionary

15 Jan

Where bad grapes go after they die.

I found this on Urbandictionary.com while searching for ‘Manischewitz’. (I know it isn’t technically a blog, but it was written by a Jewish guy a while back somewhere online, so I figured it counted.)

1. Manischewitz 64 up, 53 down

A kosher Jewish wine, produced by the fermentation of unfiltered Lake Erie water and the blood of Christian babies. Also grapes.Manufactured in Naples, NY, it was originally marketed to goyem as revenge for the Holocaust, but after realizing how bad it tasted, it was instead marketed to Jews for use in their dark and mysterious ceremonies such as the bar mitzvah and the summoning of shub niggurath.The taste is often described as “rubbing alcohol and drainage ditch water, that has been run over ten thousand grape-flavored condoms and filtered by seeping down through a mass grave full of french prostitutes that died of heavy-metal poisoning.”The immediate after effect of consumption is similar to that of being the victim of a hit-and-run by a rugby star riding a Vespa scooter, coupled with the mental image that you just got taken full-force in the ass and mouth by Grimace.

Oy vey! I just finished a whole 1.5L bottle of Manischewitz, and now I can’t feel my shtuppenshnitzel!

Random Thoughts #14

3 Jan

-I was thinking about this for a while and suddenly realized why I don’t like Facebook. It’s not one of those new problems every pop psychologist is talking about. It’s the same old ‘I can’t stand other people’ one. It’s why I’m on the internet in the first place. You went on a trip to Catch-a-canoo? Who the fuck cares? Entertain me or begone with ye.

-Yesterday I was smoking by myself, outside, away from everyone, and some random frum guy comes and gives me a mussar schmooze about it. And not the yelling kind, which I can deal with. This was a “nice” one. Something that a bais medrash guy would give you in high school back in the day. Personal questions, weird advice, something about masturbation, the works. I didn’t know how to handle it then, and I still don’t, and at the end, the guy got pissed (well, nice-pissed, actually. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, it’s creepy and unnatural, and makes me think of mussar.) that I didn’t put out the cigarette and quit smoking right then and there. You know, I really haven’t enjoyed smoking in years, so I feel like I actually owe this man a thank you. Thank you for reminding me why I started smoking in the first place.

-That little episode got me to pondering a physics question- Would it be possible to shove it up and blow it out your ass simultaneously?