Tag Archives: israel

How to find new things [to hate] on the internet.

12 Apr

I didn’t have anything new to make fun of hate write about today, so I was looking through other blogs. Here’s a good one, but I already read it. Here’s another good one, but I already read it too here– wait, there’s something new on that one…A link here. Ok, what have we got? Some holiday called Norwuz…being nice to foreigners…”Eid-eh Shoma Mobarak”…Hey, I could say that to someone foreign and have an interesting new friend…Nah, I’d just avoid them. Throw that information out of my head…Comments: Tesyaa says, “Mobarak is a cognate of the Hebrew mevorach (blessed), similar to baruch”. Stfu tesyaa, saying words like “cognate”. Making me feel dumb…Nobody cares…

Fine, I do. What the heck is that language and how do you know so damn much about every single damn thing? Click on the link to Norwuz and be just as smart as her.

Oh, it’s Persian…What was that phrase again? “Eid-eh Shoma Mobarak”– imagining Iranian lady at the cleaners saying it- yeah, that’s super Persian. Scrinching up my mouth. “Ei-deh”. Definitely. I could pull off being Iranian. Anything else in the Wikipedia article? “Nowrūz was officially registered on the UNESCO List of the Intangible Cultural Heritage of Humanity.” UNESCO has a list of intangible things too? It must be pages long. You think they have anything Jewish?

Hmm, not that long. Listed by countries. Israel..Israel…no, India, Iraq, Italy… hmm. Probably because it hasn’t been a country for so long, so they can’t tie anything in the land to the country…wait, lemme see something…’Palestinian Territories’. What. The fuck. Let me see…Contents…Controversy…1, 2, 3, Israel

“Israel was admitted to UNESCO in 1949, one year after its creation. In 1974, UNESCO stripped Israel of its membership on the grounds of alleged damage being done by Israel’s archaeological excavations on the Temple Mount in Jerusalem. UNESCO defended this decision with two statements in 1974 and 1975, but renewed Israel’s membership in 1977, after the United States threatened to withhold $40 million of funding from the organization.

In 2010, Israel designated the Tomb of the Patriarchs, Hebron and Rachel’s Tomb, Bethlehem as National Heritage Sites and announced restoration work, prompting criticism from the United States and protests from Palestinians.[60] In October 2010, UNESCO’s Executive Board voted to declare the sites as “al-Haram al-Ibrahimi/Tomb of the Patriarchs” and “Bilal bin Rabah Mosque/Rachel’s Tomb” and stated that they were “an integral part of the occupied Palestinian Territories” and any unilateral Israeli action was a violation of international law….”

Fuckin hell. Fuckin UNESCO. Just pissed on every cool place on Earth…Fuckin Shaolin Temple. Now where am I going to travel to when I make tons of money sometime later doing…something…vague, but…awesome.

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Turkey in Brisk?!?! (The Extra Punctuation Means It’s Going to be Exciting!)

24 Nov

My brother is learning in one of the Brisks and has reported eating turkey that was served there today. Unwittingly of course.

More news: This same loyal Yeshivaforum staff reporter has reported seeing a claw game machine with prizes consisting of cigarette packs wrapped in shekels. Upon mention of these curious prizes to the game establishment’s proprietor, said proprietor responded, “Yeah, it’s very meta, right? I first put a falafel in there with a cell phone tied to it, but I ran out too fast.”

In other news, that joke was really weak compared to the actual story and should have been left out.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! If you’re eating with family, have a nice time. If you’re eating with friends, actually have a nice time. If you’re celebrating alone, please don’t kill yourself just yet, I need the readership to hit 20,000 views. If you don’t celebrate because it’s a goyishe holiday, but secretly want to, go to Black Friday shopping and be yotze lfi kol hadai’os.

‘Torat Hamelech’- Not A Very Good Beach Book

1 Nov


I don’t know how it came up, but I recently had a discussion with my brother about the book “Torat Hamelech” written by a settler Rabbi in Israel. In case you don’t know what TH is, it’s a book that made headlines a while back for saying that it was Halachically ok to kill non-Jewish children in wartime, or something along those lines. (Don’t look at me like that. I never claimed to do extensive research, like reading.)

Anyhow, obviously, since it was written by a settler Rabbi, it wasn’t too difficult for everyone with brain-like cells to realize that “non-Jews” was super-secret code for “Arabs”. Of course, some overly sensitive folks in the Israeli and international press didn’t like having religious law advocating killing babies, and they made a big stink about it. Personally though, I’m not surprised so much at this kind of book coming out of the Shtuchim, as much as the son of former Israeli Chief Rabbi Avadiah Yosef endorsing the book on it’s Halachic merits. Seriously.

Is this guy totally oblivious to anything going on outside of the Beis Medrash? His father is the head of a political party, for crying out loud!

“Rabbi Yosef, here’s a new halachah sefer, what do you think?”

‘Hmm. Tight logic. I especially like the originality of the subject matter. Funny, you don’t find many people writing about killing babies so much anymore. We should look into that. All the same, A+ work, old chap.’

He obviously didn’t take a look at the guy who wrote the book. Go google him. Classic settler getup. Scraggly beard, glasses, skinny, tzitzis, sandals, srugi, humongous assault rifle. Ok, so some of those things have been added by my imagination to better fit existing stereotypes in my head, but still, you could be the most spaced-out academic Rabbi and something would have to click.

Listen, I’m not judging. The guys who live out there on the border have to be crazy. They’re surrounded by terrorist breeding Palestinians, with no one to protect them but God and humongous cool guns. What kind of books do you expect to come out of there? Harry Potter and the Unicorns of Gaza?

These guys are 130 lbs of sinewy idealism and can kick your ass before your bladder fully empties itself down your leg. I’m glad we have them defending Israel. If they had to pick people like me… well, thank your lucky stars they don’t.

“Ok. Itchemeyer, go man the fence.”

‘Um, that’s not a great idea. See, uh, I’m more of an idea man.’

“What?”

‘Yeah, do you have a management position? I happen to be fat, and American. I do management really well. Hey- you know who’d be good manning the fence? I’d bet Crazy Yossi would. Look at him. I’ve never seen him without a gun and a cigarette. I’m pretty sure he even smokes when he’s asleep.’

“Hmm, good idea. You know, those are good managerial skills. Why don’t you take the big cabin near the women’s showers and manage the battle from there?”

And that’s a good time to end the thoughts-to-fingers transmission.

The Voca People

27 Oct

Have you seen this before? This group is Israeli, but other than the “Heet me baby won more time”, and the costumes they’ve used since they were still Sperm Man Group, you really can’t tell. They’re great.

Random awesome comment I saw while looking for more beatboxing on youtube: On a video of a 12 year old Russian girl beatboxing- In Russia, the box beat you. Here’s that video.

Life In Cameron Diaz’s Tower

24 Aug

In an interview with Maxim for their “Hot 100” edition, Cameron Diaz said marriage is dead. “I think we have to make our own rules. I don’t think we should live our lives in relationships based off of old traditions that don’t suit our world any longer.”

Well, Cameron, it’s nice to see you’re thinking about big concepts like this. What’s that, you have another bit of wisdom? “One should dry-hump as much as possible.” Hmm, okay, thanks for that. What I was going to say was- if you don’t mind, I’d like to do a thought experiment with you. No, you can take off the goggles. All we’re going to do is lie back and think. Ok, imagine you weren’t born better looking than 99% of the other people in the world. I know it’s hard, just try. Got it? Ok, now pretend that you also don’t have more money than 99% of the world. Okay, so you’re just one of 6 billion other people, trying to do your best to survive, trying to get some food, sex, maybe even kids. Very little actual security. Hmm? You’re not following. *Sigh*. Ok, let’s try a different experiment. Take off your clothes…

The reason Cameron Diaz doesn’t understand why people are still getting married is the same reason college kids and professors and Cameron’s actor friends keep blaming Israel for the violence in the Middle East. They can’t relate. They can’t relate, sitting in their cozy ivory towers, to people begging for bread outside their walls. Let them eat cake, what’s the problem? How can you understand what it’s like to live in constant fear for your life when you’ve never had to worry if your family would be dead when you got home from work?

Don’t defend yourself, it’s morally wrong in Kant’s view. Don’t get married, you can always get companionship and sex whenever you want. Are these people fucking serious? God, it must be nice to live like King-baby at 35 years old.

Cholent Banned!

12 Jul

Thursday night cholent has officially been banned in Israel. To find out why, I sat down with one of the leading proponents of the ban, Rabbi Nachum Kleinerhoisen.

Me: Rabbi Kleinerhoisen, good to have you here. So glad you fly all this way.

RK: For Yeshivaforum? Anytime.

Me: Wow, thank you. So first of all, what’s the reason for this ban? Many people in America are grumbling about the seemingly draconian ban on something so harmless.

RK: Ok, let’s assume that it is ‘harmless’. And let’s assume that ‘draconian’ means ‘bad’. Still, there is the issue of the tremendous bittul torah taking place. Thousands of hours that could have been spent learning are spent eating and schmoozing.

Me: I hear where your coming from. But I think you aren’t really empathizing with your talmidim. They spend the whole week learning, day and night, with no social outlet at all.

RK: Yeshiva’s not a social outlet? You’re around guys your own age the whole day. What could be better?

Me: Ok, that’s true. What I mean is it’s suffocating. You’re 22 years old, and you have to follow a schedule like you’re still a kid in grade school. Where’s the room for developing yourself as an individual? Where’s the sense of control over your own life?

RK: Being an individual! Hahaha! That’s a good one. You think a guy’s in a yeshiva in Israel to be an individual? You have your whole life mapped out for you by your social circle. From the Yeshiva you attend, to the girl you marry, and you’re worried about taking away the mass cholent gathering on Thursday? Let me tell you something. There’s nothing individual about your entire trip to Israel. The tiyulim you go on because all your other geshmak friends went on. The ‘crazy’ people you eat at. The early cholent eating. All socially pre-programmed activities. Don’t bullshit me Itchemeyer.

Me: Never heard you curse before.

RK: Yeah, sorry. It was a long flight, and the stewardesses were extra-Israeli.

Me: Ok, that was pretty wild, but I think you’re clouding the issue here. 99% of what we do is preprogrammed, but it depends who’s doing it. Here, the bochurim are obviously making something for themselves that’s totally innocuous and kosher, and the Yeshiva is trying to force itself into every crevice of the boys’ lives. The boys obviously need an outlet, right? That’s why cholent’s so popular. I think it’s short-sighted to shut this down when there are so many other bad vices just waiting to be picked up.

RK: And I think that you’re shortsighted. The point of yeshiva is to learn. Our job, as Mashgichim and Rebbeim is to facilitate this. That’s why we foster an intense atmosphere of concentrated learning. Nothing should be more important to the boy than learning as much as they can to be the best learner in the Yeshiva- if not the whole Yerushalaim. If the bochurim are feeling free to create these grass-roots ‘self-expression’ programs as you’d like to call it, then obviously we aren’t doing our job. So maybe we need to cut down on their free time. Maybe we need to ban the cholent after 10:30. It’s all part of a bigger picture here.

Me: You know, I hear that some bochurim are taking a long time in the John to break free of Yeshiva control. Some are probably reading in there too. And some guys are buying 100’s cigarettes so they can have longer smoking breaks. Maybe you should crack down on that too.

RK: Good idea. Maybe we should.

Me: So just so we’re clear: You don’t see anything wrong with this social engineering situation at all, right? No possible bad outcomes for anybody involved?

RK: Hey, life has a bad outcome for everybody involved. And thanks for the loaded question.

Me: Sorry. So you’re headed back now?

RK: Heeeells no. That place is crazy. I’m gonna go get something at Subsational and catch a movie. Maybe Bad Teacher. Yeah, I’m not going back till after my nephew’s wedding. And he’s in high school! No, Just kidding. Good to schmooze Itchie, see you around.

Me: Yeah, uh, you too.