Tag Archives: marriage

A Dating Dilemma, or Why It Would Kick Ass To Be Gay.

17 May

They say that it’s best to marry someone with similar values. I totally agree. Theoretically. Practically speaking though, women and men have the most dissimilar values of any two peoples on Earth. Is that too much 0f a generality? I don’t know for sure. Maybe I should limit this to the man I know best- me – and the women I know best – frum girls (even though I really don’t know a whole mass of frum females). Provisos accounted for, here is how an honest conversation of values would go for me:

Girl: Hey, have any values?

Me: Umm…

Girl: Like, what do you want out of this relationship?

Me: Uh, well, you see…

Girl: Ok, I’ll go first. I want to have a friend, a soul mate, someone I can trust with everything and feel comfortable with whatever I say or do.

Me: Definitely! That’s great. We’re totally compatible.

Girl: OK, now you go.

Me: Um, what do you mean? I need to talk more now?

Girl: Oh, come on, don’t be like that… OK, I see us married and living about an hour from my parents and you learn at night with a chavrusa, and the kids go to a Yeshiva that’s frum, but cares about English- you know, actually values college and working people. Maybe Far Rockaway. I want to go into massage therapy, I think it’s only a 2 year program, and in a couple of years we’ll buy a house, and maybe Chani or Rivky will be living nearby, and we can go on vacations together, like to Florida or Las Vegas! I mean, there’s kosher food there, but it’s a LOT of fun. Ok, so what do you see down the road?

Me: Us having sex….Um…A lot?

Girl: Okaay…But in 5 years?

Me: 5 years?…You’ll still be really hot then. Wow, we’ll probably be doing everything. 5 years? We’ll probably be watching pronos to find cool stuff to do.

Girl: Ok. I get it. And our kids? Do you think they should be in a more relaxed Yeshiva?

Me: Uh, yeah, kids? Whatever.

Girl: What do you mean? What about where we’ll live?

Me: I don’t care.

Girl: Near our family? Our friends? What shul will you go to? Will you be learning?

Me: I don’t care.

Girl: What do you mean you don’t care? You have to care. What do you think about? What do you want?

Me: I just told you. Like a second ago.

Girl: What if we don’t have kids? What if they go to public school? What if your family doesn’t like me, or mine don’t like you, or there’s a terrorist attack, or we win the lottery, or you get a different job and have to move? Will we move away from here?

Me: Uhh, whichever way we keep having sex…We’re, uh, we’re still good, right?…………Umm, any chance you wanna get started now?


Eating Jewish

13 Jan

You ever learn that Gemara where Bruriah lists all the kosher foods that are stand-ins for non-kosher food, in order to show that even though we are commanded to sanctify ourselves, Judaism isn’t restrictive? What a preachy, party-line, pile of shit.*

There’s this girl I work with who is the nicest, most awesome person I know. I love talking to her and hanging out at work, but even though I’m dying to have a real relationship with her, I can’t, because, you guessed it, she’s not Jewish. And no matter that every sign in the world points to God dropping her in my lap, it’s too bad. So now, according to Bruriah, I’m supposed to find a Jewish girl to match up. But the chances of that happening are a million to one, because A) I’m not ready to commit to dating someone for marriage and 95% of the Jewish girls I would be compatible with are only interested in that, and B) she’s fucking PERFECT for me! But still, I’m trapped by this religion and religious culture I belong to. The only thing I can do is sit here and complain about it online. Well, I guess that’s one thing I can still do. I might have to eat the food you’re feeding me, but I don’t have to like it.**

*And something always rubbed me the wrong way about Bruriah. Always yelling at men to follow Halachah when they’re just making normal conversation or going about their day. What the hell! If you don’t like it, don’t do it. The non-stop preaching throughout the Gemara, to Ziddukim, etc. The most messed up part about her is how she died. You know that story? Basically, Bruriah has a fight with her husband, R’ Meir, whether women are emotionally flighty and therefore illogical- “Nashim daatan kalos hein”. Bruriah says no way. “I’m just as smart as you and can think just as clearly.”¬† R’ Meir coughs and mutters “cold-hearted kana’i”, “ehem, excuse me.” Bruriah says, “What was that?” R’ Meir answers, “Oh nothing. Just had something caught in my throat.” Bruriah still looks pissed so R’ Meir changes the subject and says “Let’s have a contest.” She agrees.

R’ Meir goes and tells one of his suavest students to seduce his wife. She refuses the guy’s advances, refuses, refuses, until one day she finally relents. R’ Meir jumps out and says, “Gotcha! Nashim daatan kalos hein. That means your parents aren’t coming here for pesach this-” But before he can finish, she kills herself. Yup, kills herself. She is so fragile and dependent on this super-frum shell that she created for herself, that she can’t face living without it. I really should feel bad for her, but she’s such a self-righteous kana’i that I don’t.

**I actually like Kosher food. That’s not the frikkin take home point here.

And Beth- I’m dying to see how you could turn this into kiruv.

Life In Cameron Diaz’s Tower

24 Aug

In an interview with Maxim for their “Hot 100” edition, Cameron Diaz said marriage is dead. “I think we have to make our own rules. I don’t think we should live our lives in relationships based off of old traditions that don’t suit our world any longer.”

Well, Cameron, it’s nice to see you’re thinking about big concepts like this. What’s that, you have another bit of wisdom? “One should dry-hump as much as possible.” Hmm, okay, thanks for that. What I was going to say was- if you don’t mind, I’d like to do a thought experiment with you. No, you can take off the goggles. All we’re going to do is lie back and think. Ok, imagine you weren’t born better looking than 99% of the other people in the world. I know it’s hard, just try. Got it? Ok, now pretend that you also don’t have more money than 99% of the world. Okay, so you’re just one of 6 billion other people, trying to do your best to survive, trying to get some food, sex, maybe even kids. Very little actual security. Hmm? You’re not following. *Sigh*. Ok, let’s try a different experiment. Take off your clothes…

The reason Cameron Diaz doesn’t understand why people are still getting married is the same reason college kids and professors and Cameron’s actor friends keep blaming Israel for the violence in the Middle East. They can’t relate. They can’t relate, sitting in their cozy ivory towers, to people begging for bread outside their walls. Let them eat cake, what’s the problem? How can you understand what it’s like to live in constant fear for your life when you’ve never had to worry if your family would be dead when you got home from work?

Don’t defend yourself, it’s morally wrong in Kant’s view. Don’t get married, you can always get companionship and sex whenever you want. Are these people fucking serious? God, it must be nice to live like King-baby at 35 years old.

Gay Marriage Pass…No, Wake Up! It’s Not Another Post About Gay Marriage.

27 Jun

Dovbear has been reporting about the ongoing battle the Yeshivish world has been engaged in to stop gay marriage from passing in New York. See here and here. His retort is pretty sharp as well, but really, does anyone not gay care about this? Also, why is the right-wing leadership saying it’s a war against religion?

My take, having been in the system, is this. The Yeshiva world is very insular. Ideas originating on the inside are chewed over and over, but anything on the outside is left there until someone drags it in. The Yeshivishe velt still thinks they’re fighting a battle against secular values creeping in because, like the Japanese soldier¬† from WWII found hiding in the jungles of Guam in 1972, nobody told them the war was over.

Well, here goes: The war has been fought and the other side won. All gay people want is to have sex with other gay people and not be hated for it. The only guys still fighting to take down religion are paranoid old hippies who don’t matter anymore. You can leave the jungle, nobody gives a crap about the war anymore.