Tag Archives: masturbation

Creative Writing And Masturbation

16 Mar

writing and masturbating

Here’s a great article from points in case to keep you busy while I do something with family this weekend to gather more material. For reasons unknown to me, linking you to the site magical turns this into non-plagiarism:

Creative Writing and Masturbation Have a Lot in Common

It’s just you and your laptop, banging one out together.

By Bill Dixon

I wouldn’t dare call myself an expert in creative writing. Although it’s something I do daily, it feels pretentious to apply a hierarchical model to the creation of art. Words like “expert” or “professional” seem silly when applied to something as arbitrary as creativity.

The fruits of your labor come in spurts. This is the classic writer’s cop-out, deputized at Thanksgiving when you return home from whichever metropolis you have chosen to sublet a closet-sized bedroom. Family and friends ask you how the “writing thing” is going and you regurgitate the prepared statement you concocted at the airport while scanning the never-ending parade of black luggage as it spilled onto the conveyor belt at baggage claim.

You’re a writer and you don’t write for The New York Times, The Daily Show, or Two and a Half Men, so you will need an excuse for not achieving the non-writing public’s apparent minimum requirement to be called a “real writer.”

“You know what show I like? That Breaking Bad!” your functionally illiterate uncle declares. “That’s a good show. You should write for them.”

Thanks, Uncle Hasn’t-Paid-Child-Support-In-Three-Years. When I was digging through the couch cushions looking for change to buy bologna I must have totally spaced and forgot to call Bryan Cranston to let him know I’d put together a few episodes this season and that it would be best to just make the $22,000 check out to cash for accounting reasons.

But I can tell you with no trepidation that I am in fact an expert in masturbation. I mean that in the purest sense. I mean expert as in if there were masturbation murders, I could give expert testimony in the court of law. I mean expert as in Malcolm Gladwell’s 10,000 Hour Rule expert. It’s not a paying gig but to friends and family, on the scale of professional achievement, it’s probably on par with writing.

“At least it’s physical,” Mom might say. “My son, the professional athlete.”

When you consider it, the similarities between masturbation and creative writing are uncanny:

Both generally happen in front of a laptop with countless windows open on your desktop.

In both cases you become detached from reality while constructing complex narratives.

Both are difficult to do in public.

In both cases, it’s generally annoying to have someone peering over your shoulder looking at your “work” before it’s done.

Both are emotionally and physically exhausting.

Both take way longer if you’re drunk.

Both are wildly dissatisfying if not finished.

Both are impossible to do with an iPad.

And most importantly, regardless of what your parents think, your friends think or the world thinks, you are going to do both until you are physically and mentally incapable of doing so any longer. Not because you’re stubborn and not because you are a fiend, but because your constitution will simply not permit you to stop. It’s in your DNA and it’s as natural as breathing.

And oh yeah:

Both are difficult to do while driving.


Do You Wear Your Kipah When You Masturbate?

31 Dec

By: B.K.

The effect of being recently “let go” from a yeshiva I spent nearly four years of my life at, caused severe episodes of clinical depression and boredom. Hours and hours of unfiltered, unrestricted internet access does, in fact hurt your soul after a given amount of time; possibly one thing the rebbeim were correct about. Fortunately, that is their one, to my four hundred and thirty two.

 The basic pornographic sites begin to lose their spark of pleasure as I boot up another incognito window for the third or fourth time that day. Fine, you got me, more like that hour.

 Parenthetically, here’s some food for thought: Part of my parental punishment is to be on amphetamines every day. No more of this, “Got a test today, better pop some Adderall,” attitude. No, it was borderline dixie cup of water, open your mouth, let me see you swallow situations going on at breakfast. And dammit, it wasn’t the feeling I got from it that bothered me. God only knows that I of all people need to be medicated- in fact the pulsing release of dopamine  was, and still is, sheer bliss as chills run up and down my spine, cursing out every insane thought or impulsive cell in my brain, producing calmness and the ability to think clearly. 

No. “changes in sex drive or ability…” — that was the real problem.

 MYTH: “Adderall may impair your ability to drive or operate heavy machinery…”

FACT: Speed shrinks your junk.

 This brings me back to the food for thought: How can something make you feel like you’re just discovering girls and hormones, while at the same time limiting an erection to anything but its fullest potential?

Imagine this: You’re home, you’re bored, you’re depressed. Memories repeat in your head as you plot, laugh, cry, wish, pray, and beg that Past You makes a different decision; this happens so often that you attempt to blur the memories together until your consciousness is satisfied with a plausible enough lie to replace the memory with. 

Meanwhile, pornhub, youporn, xhamster, and all the wonders google has to offer for a desperate ex-yeshiva guy.

 Dash your eyes back to my second paragraph – as I was saying, regular stuff gets gay real quick. Desperate to find stuff to fill my day that wasn’t sex, I compromised with the perfect hybrid of humor, masturbation, anonymity, conversation, girls, excitement, and once in a while some Jews: 

For all interested, please visit www.frumsatire.net 

 I kid, really it was www.Omegle.com . For all those who do not know, omegle is a tedious game of strategy and excitement with ample reward – boobs.

You spend a few minutes filtering through the dicks, maybe discuss strategies with a dude or two you come across in your quests’ for females, but once in a while you find a girl your age who’s hot- and I stress once in a while, as it is rare. Even once you find one, you must be interesting enough for her to not disconnect, and from then on dodge her intense sniper fire of questions (“Oh you’re 22, you say,” – I lied – “Well thats super cool, what’s it like being born in the nineties?”  A stealth attack. Answer correctly, hope to god she doesn’t ask for the month, and move on) And literally, every few hundred girls, you hit the holy grail of omegle – a girl who came there with the same thing in mind that you did.

 It was during one of these holy grail adventures that I thought of this post – her top was off, her boobs were almost uncovered, she was desecrating her innocence for my viewing pleasure , and in the midst of all this, I shook my head in disbelief to notice my kipah fall off. 

Of course, I tried to hide it, and, of course, god made her see it.

So, what’s your story….. Do you wear your kipah when you masturbate?

If this turns you on, you just might be in Yeshiva.

Reader Response To “Masturbation Can Lead To Serial Killing”

5 Sep

Guest Post by southafricanjew


Dear Itchemeyer…


I was a victim of what you describe in your post and it put me through turmoil. Let me first say that I sincerely believe that the website has good intentions and they don’t intentionally mean to harm anyone. I am writing this in the hope that some naïve innocent young man (like I was) will read it and learn.

I was brought up in a very frum home and from a young age felt very guilty about masturbation. I read all these things about how terrible masturbation is, how it is like murder, I even read a certain sefer that put masturbating and “those that play sexually with minors” in the same category. To cut a long story short, I had a hard time with this issue. Maybe I was overly sensitive, I don’t know. Eventually I realized that this paralyzing guilt was very bad for me and also that at that stage in my life stopping to masturbate was just not possible. We all have our level of choice and this was simply above me. So I began to accept myself. Things were going very well for me, until I found guardyoureyes.

When I wrote on their forum that, hey, masturbation is natural, yes it should be one’s ultimate goal to stop but at this stage of my life it is impossible for me and I know from experience that it would be counter-productive to try, my comments were removed and I landed up having an email correspondence with the guardyoureyes admin.

Again to cut a very long story short he told me that if I don’t feel guilty I will lose my olom habah, and that my plan to grow slowly in stages wont work because the addiction will destroy me. He told me to join a 12 step group. He even sent our correspondence to a very well known writer (who I actually still have a lot of respect for in spite of this) and he told me that my conviction that I can’t stop was my addiction talking to me and that my masturbation can destroy my future marriage and that I would have to tell the girl when I date that I have a sexual addiction.

Now at the time I was very naive, and I took “daas Torah” very seriously, who was I to argue with them? They must be right. I could not sleep at night because of this, and I wondered if I really was going to burn in hell, and if my brain really was being controlled by a terrible addiction.

Eventually I landed up going to the top sexologist in my county. She told me that my sexuality was completely normal and that the problem was these religious fanatics.

I went through turmoil, wasted time and money, all because some people have some messed up ideas about sexuality and wanted to try and save me from boiling in a pot of sperm.


Addendum: Thank G-d I am starting to think for myself. I met with Rabbi Lopes Cardozo when he was here in South Africa for a conference and he was very helpful. He isn’t afraid of confronting and dealing with reality.

I feel bad criticizing Jewish organizations on a public forum but I feel it is important. Maybe someone will read it and not fall into the same trap. I emailed the admin of guardyoureyes asking for an apology but he refuses to admit doing anything wrong.

I think that part of the problem is that a lot of frum people are trained from a young age to simply accept what rabbis or religious “experts” say is the ultimate word of G-d. Thus I was torn between what I intuitively knew and what these authoritative figures were pushing. Because of this, and I know this might sound strange, I found myself writing to the guardyoureyes admin at two in the morning begging him to try and understand my point of view. He could not do this, instead he told me to phone one of the guardyoureyes hotlines and speak to a certain “Expert”. To my horror, this “Expert” continually laughed at me as I spoke from my heart, like I was some sort of joke. That night was the closest I have ever felt to going completely off the derech.