Tag Archives: news

Wall Street Journal Reports On Manischewitz, Matzo Balls and Moroccans

16 Oct


Read more here:
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052970203476804576613141530897616.html

Celebrity+Drunk+Plane=LOL

18 Aug

So far this week, two celebrities earned their place in society by pishing on the plane. First we have this guy, Sandy Vietze, a skiier on the US olympic team who got stoned drunk and mistook a 12 year old girl’s leg for a toilet. Now we have this guy, French actor Gerard Depardieu, who was not given permission to use the bathroom, and did his business on the floor.

First off, Hahahahaha! Second, some people have a problem with these stories. “It’s so disgusting. It must be horrifying for the girl.” Personally, I don’t think so. Getting peed on by a drunk guy? I’ve ‘ad worse. But the more important point here is, how can you possibly be getting upset about this? Really, I don’t understand it. Are you the little girl? Are you the stewardess? When I hear these stories, I automatically picture myself as the guy seated across the aisle little far down watching it all go down. Maybe eating some peanuts or dozing off. Suddenly, before my very eyes, some guy gets up, whips it out, and starts peeing. People next to him start freaking, but I’m just out of the responsibility zone and all I have to do is laugh until I piss myself.

Little Girls Are Destroying The World

3 Aug


Experts on TV are busy blaming the decline of American civilization on the economy, the government, the job market, and many other trivial things. The real problem of course is girls aged 10 to 25. They have single handedly destroyed written conversation. Now, there’s no possibility of intelligent discourse and all of our problems will snowball until we’re officially doomed. (Even this lame segue was caused by a 12 year old girl.)

Have you seen them? Every sentence has 15 emoticons, 20 punctuation marks in a row, and of course a bullshit phrase describing how they’re feeling. OMG!!!!!! My dog almost pooped on the lawn!!!!!!! How crazy is that?????????!!!!!!!!
Reply: Thats insane!!!!! rotfl!! lolol!!! 🙂

That last bit of faked ejaculation is important here. ‘Laughing out loud’ has been sucked into the rolling mass of bullshit. At this point, it’s entirely meaningless. But this girl wants to fake some real emotion for her needy friend. So she further bastardizes the language by lying in more descriptive terms. “ laughing out loud, out loud!”, you know, for reals. “I’m just rolling on the floor laughing out loud!” “Really, you’re as interesting as the child rock star you imagine yourself to be!” *pause* “Now, tell me that right back!”

There should be an internet abuse hotline. If you’re gonna molest the English language, you will be banned from conversing in it online. You’re now officially forced to talk to actual people. Or you could learn French. I don’t care what you do with that language. No-one’s using that language for anything important anyway nowadays.

Random Thoughts: Stand-up Edition

27 Jul

10) My mother is shameless

I keep reading all these other blogs out there about politics and healthcare and all these other crises and I’m feeling a little guilty for giving out bathroom tips and making up Divrei Torah with Pinchas saying dirty words. Maybe we should talk about important things. I think I’ll start with global events.

What’s going on with the EU and Ireland? You don’t know what I’m even talking about. Me neither. I just read about it in a comment on a youtube video. Man, it’s hard when there are no smart people to jump in and take over. My geopolitical philosophy is this: Is America still the baddest kid on the block? Excellent. I’m gonna vote republican and skip the rest of that bullshit then. Hey, I only got so much space in my head, people, and keeping track of Simpsons minutiae is already taking up a huge chunk.

Whenever I mention my political views, someone always says, “You’re so self-centered. Nihilistic. Narcissistic.” To which I answer: “Shut the fuck up, stupid conscience! And you too, Neuroticism! Yeah, I know you’re back there somewhere! You two got me here in the first place! Now you just get to pipe down and watch as I suck other people into this.”

Important things and me have kind of parted ways over the years. I mean, serious reading jumped ship years ago… I forget exactly why, something about not seeing the relationship going anywhere. But now it’s even movies. The only ones I can even watch are under an hour and a half and packed with action, comedy, tragedy all into one big ball.

Like Thor. That movie rocked. Short with immediate payoff. If you didn’t see it, here’s a recap. Fighting, fighting, old English for a bit, explosions, cleavage, fighting, ridiculous CGI effects, kiss, more fighting, bad guy’s locked up for next time. Total time? Hour and a half. Oh yeah. Call me when the sequel comes out. That’s what I’m talking about.

Good night folks. I’m outta here!

Woman charged in penis assault held on $1 million bail

22 Jul

From Reuters:

“A Southern California woman accused of slicing off her husband’s penis with a kitchen knife and grinding it up in a garbage disposer was ordered held on $1 million bail on Friday.”

If there’s a certain age when you stop finding thing like this hilarious, I hope I never hit it.

Today’s A Big Day!

8 Jul

Big day today. Not only is it 4 days after July 4th, it’s also the 2 month birthday of YeshivaForum. Thank you, thank you. She’s growing pretty nicely, 5000 hits as of today. A little cynical for 2 months old, but what did you expect coming from that family?

Seriously, though, I’d like to thank all of you who read the blog, all of you who comment (the few, the proud), and all of you who recommend it to your friends. I’m glad you all like it. Also, I can’t see who’s doing it, but I’m getting a lot of referrals from Facebook, so thank you mystery guy/girl.

What else is going on… let’s see…I’ve gotten some pledges to write guest posts, but no actual posts yet. I did get some stories though (you can check out a few in the lag baomer memories post). So I guess the “forum” part isn’t at full-speed yet.

That’s what’s going on with Yeshivaforum. In other news: My friend E. just opened up a blog at http://bestofim.wordpress.com/ which you may want to check out. His idea is to create a site to gather interesting old texts and chats that people have saved. Anonymous and voyeuristic. Similar to PostSecret if you know what that is.

Otherwise, I hope you all enjoyed your July 4th weekends. If you had a barbeque, I hope you’re not still eating the leftovers. And stay tuned for more kickass posts coming up.