Tag Archives: porn

Funniest Asifa Tweets

22 May


I don’t know if you’ve seen this- this guy collected the best tweets from the asifa. Some good ones:

 
There’s a double header tonite. Next up is the Amish versus the Automobiles.@shmulyt
Citi Field Security Guards Report to the Media that this asifa is Biggest Crowd to be in this Stadium since opened. @vosiznies
Schools from here on will only accept those without Internet and rich people.

 
I am missing my brother at the asifa. He was last seen wearing a white shirt, black jacket and hat and had glasses.

Anti-internet asifa could have been about accepting the net and teaching about responsible use instead of more hocking.
“Wi-Fi sucks in here.”

No mention of children abuse scandals. Repeated mention of how the internet corrupts children. @SeanPatrickCoop

Do You Wear Your Kipah When You Masturbate?

31 Dec

By: B.K.

The effect of being recently “let go” from a yeshiva I spent nearly four years of my life at, caused severe episodes of clinical depression and boredom. Hours and hours of unfiltered, unrestricted internet access does, in fact hurt your soul after a given amount of time; possibly one thing the rebbeim were correct about. Fortunately, that is their one, to my four hundred and thirty two.

 The basic pornographic sites begin to lose their spark of pleasure as I boot up another incognito window for the third or fourth time that day. Fine, you got me, more like that hour.

 Parenthetically, here’s some food for thought: Part of my parental punishment is to be on amphetamines every day. No more of this, “Got a test today, better pop some Adderall,” attitude. No, it was borderline dixie cup of water, open your mouth, let me see you swallow situations going on at breakfast. And dammit, it wasn’t the feeling I got from it that bothered me. God only knows that I of all people need to be medicated- in fact the pulsing release of dopamine  was, and still is, sheer bliss as chills run up and down my spine, cursing out every insane thought or impulsive cell in my brain, producing calmness and the ability to think clearly. 

 
No. “changes in sex drive or ability…” — that was the real problem.

 MYTH: “Adderall may impair your ability to drive or operate heavy machinery…”

FACT: Speed shrinks your junk.

 This brings me back to the food for thought: How can something make you feel like you’re just discovering girls and hormones, while at the same time limiting an erection to anything but its fullest potential?

Imagine this: You’re home, you’re bored, you’re depressed. Memories repeat in your head as you plot, laugh, cry, wish, pray, and beg that Past You makes a different decision; this happens so often that you attempt to blur the memories together until your consciousness is satisfied with a plausible enough lie to replace the memory with. 

Meanwhile, pornhub, youporn, xhamster, and all the wonders google has to offer for a desperate ex-yeshiva guy.

 Dash your eyes back to my second paragraph – as I was saying, regular stuff gets gay real quick. Desperate to find stuff to fill my day that wasn’t sex, I compromised with the perfect hybrid of humor, masturbation, anonymity, conversation, girls, excitement, and once in a while some Jews: 

For all interested, please visit www.frumsatire.net 

 I kid, really it was www.Omegle.com . For all those who do not know, omegle is a tedious game of strategy and excitement with ample reward – boobs.

You spend a few minutes filtering through the dicks, maybe discuss strategies with a dude or two you come across in your quests’ for females, but once in a while you find a girl your age who’s hot- and I stress once in a while, as it is rare. Even once you find one, you must be interesting enough for her to not disconnect, and from then on dodge her intense sniper fire of questions (“Oh you’re 22, you say,” – I lied – “Well thats super cool, what’s it like being born in the nineties?”  A stealth attack. Answer correctly, hope to god she doesn’t ask for the month, and move on) And literally, every few hundred girls, you hit the holy grail of omegle – a girl who came there with the same thing in mind that you did.

 It was during one of these holy grail adventures that I thought of this post – her top was off, her boobs were almost uncovered, she was desecrating her innocence for my viewing pleasure , and in the midst of all this, I shook my head in disbelief to notice my kipah fall off. 

Of course, I tried to hide it, and, of course, god made her see it.

So, what’s your story….. Do you wear your kipah when you masturbate?

If this turns you on, you just might be in Yeshiva.

My First Car Wreck

23 Nov

I got the idea for this post from my friend Brainrants’ (who runs a super-funny blog over here) first run-in with a tree. -Btw, two links to the same blog in one sentence means check it out. You’ll like it.

Back to the story though: I was in 1st year Bais Medrash in an “out-of-town” Yeshiva, and, as was is often the case, out of my box in need of a, how you say…”Beat-off”? Yes, anyhow, my uncle lived in that town, and I contrived some story as to why I needed to borrow his car. Being that it was 12 AM though, the convenience store that sold pornos near Yeshiva was closed, and I had to drive around desperately searching for a store that was open. I imagine this is what parents of sick children must feel like when they run out of medicine at 1 in the morning. 

Well, it’s 45 minutes later, and I’m driving in some dark tree-filled forest-ish place over winding roads that I have never seen before, and by now basically given up all hope of finding El Pornado, just speeding over a million unfamiliar roads trying to retrace my steps. In case you’re wondering, that last part is actually not a good idea. You see, I flew over one hill thinking it went straight at the bottom, but actually, it curved sharply, and there were train tracks running straight through the part where it turned. I took the curve a little too widely and my front right tire stuck out off the road, clipped the track and ripped my entire front axle off the car. The car spun around a few times until grinding to a stop in the middle of the road. You know- the pitch black curvy one right under the hill you couldn’t see over.

Well, I was in Yeshiva, and didn’t have a cell phone, because I was frum and cell phones could download naked pictures, so I just stood on the side of the road waiting for my car to kill the next person to come over the hill. A few cars drove by me from the other side without stopping, until, thank God, or whoever’s job it is to watch over horny clueless yeshiva bochurim, a big white Lincoln pulled up and stopped. A big dreadlocked black guy steps out, and to be honest, I got a little scared. I didn’t know what kind of neighborhood I was near and I didn’t expect anyone to stop to help me. Turns out, he didn’t stop to mug me. He lent me his cellphone to call a towing company, and went on his way. He even apologized for not staying with me until someone showed up, but it turns out he was “really high” and didn’t want to be around if the cops showed up.

I thought my uncle would go ballistic on me about his car, but he actually laughed because he had just bought a new car that same day- talk about hashgacha (and I think we can all agree that it seals the book on if God cares about me getting porn). I also eventually fessed up to my uncle why I was out so far away, the insurance covered the 6 grand of damage, and less importantly, I wasn’t hurt in the accident unfortunate event, so the only thing that suffered any lasting damage was my perception of black people. And potheads.

Lifnei Iver- Frum Porn Search Edition

13 Nov

David Frum: Frum porn searchers' arch nemesis

There are a lot of different ways people stumble onto this blog, but one of the most common is searching for frum porn. It’s fascinating to me how many permutations of “frum girls naked” I get in the search bar. Some of these make me feel bad though. Some horny guy is desperately searching for something he’ll probably never find, he gets a hit, and lands on a blog. I imagine I’ve been the cause of quite a few tears and muffled curses. I’m also fairly certain that if Google predictive search was totally open, there would be no unporn-related hits for at least 50 lines.

That’s probably why they do it though. You’re looking for a restaurant in town. You start typing “Barbeque grill”, b- boobs, ba- balls, bar- Did you mean bra-less teens? You forget what you started searching for, decide to reheat some cholent, and jerk off. Nobody would leave the house, and eventually all non-porn businesses would just shut down.

Let’s get to the list:

Frum’s first:

frumgirl

frum sex -“david frum”

frum porn

frum girls gone wild

frum and naked

frum girl pictures

frum+yeshivish+porn

frum cheaters

frum bais yaakov nude

frum girl ass

frum horny bochur

Now Yeshiva:

horny yeshiva bochur

best yeshivish sex story

yeshivish slut

yeshiva jerk off

my kallah naked -Interesting spin here.

Bais Yaakov:

bais yaakov sex

bais yaakov boobs

bais yaakov girls gone bad

bais yakov catskills sex

bais yaakov girls party

bais yaakov girls

chassidishe slut

aladdin porn -Someone’s a bit young to be searching for porn.

how to get laid as a yeshiva bochur

romney 2012 porn -Wtf?

jewish girl

mesorah giral porno -??

nude women honour our heroes -Some people know what to give.

yeshiva porn

high school memories porn

keep masturbating will cause what -I’ll tell you when I get to the end.

Turtles Are Gay, Violets Are Blue, Something Something, I’m Too Horny To Think

7 Nov

bullshit frum society rules

Being that I have no evidence to support my theory on elevated levels of frum gayness, I’m going to talk about something less interesting. Namely, Turtles. Not even real turtles, actually. Turtles chocolate. And Snickers, and every other chocolate with nuts in it.

I like all these candy bars, but not for the nuts. I don’t like the nuts, but the overall package is good, so I tolerate them. I wonder how many things are like that. Someone makes a product they like and it catches on- but not for the reason he thinks. But he doesn’t want to screw with a working product so he keeps it the same.

Now, with certain things, like Snickers, that’s fine, because someone else thinks up nutless snickers, and now you can choose to have Milky Way or Snickers. But some things, like you know exactly what I’m talking about, worked well at one one point, and are unfortunately set in stone. Now, if you think it would be better without all the nuttiness, it’s too bad. You eat the same thing as everyone else.

And what about people who are allergic to nuts? (Not that I’m allergic to nuts. I’m saying some people are. Not that there’s anything wrong with being allergic to nuts.) Too bad, nuts for you too.  Maybe if someone is allergic to chocolate, you can share a Turtle and still work it out, but it will be really weird.

You know what, I feel bad for chocolate lovers, but forget all that right now. What I’m really saying here is, jerking off till I’m married is not working out well on this side of the screen. Let’s change this stupid d’rabbanan so I don’t end up killing myself or being kicked out of the community for banging someone. And jerking off is actually d’oraisa according to most people. It’s just easier to hide, so you don’t lose any respect in the community. Isn’t it incredible how much of what we do is actually bullshit? Not that this knowledge helps you at all. It just gives you more reasons to be pissed off about what you’re forced to do anyhow. FUUUUUUUCCCKK!

Yeshiva Memories: Porno Adventures

30 Aug

Dirty Magazines! Hahaha. Oh, come on, I'm not putting porn up here.

Besides going sholom zachor-hopping with your friends to score booze, the most fun thing to do in high school was getting porn. Now, you modern Yeshiva guys won’t understand this, but in the olden days, you had to buy porno- in magazine form.

Ah, those were the days. You would go to the dingy corner convenience store, grab a snapple and wait around till all the other customers left. Then you would casually walk over to the counter and ask for one of the magazines he kept in a rack behind him.

Hey Muhammed, I’ll take this peach snapple, and a Playboy.

You have Eyedey?”

Eye- oh ID. Yeah, here.

That is library card.”

Oh, that doesn’t work? Sorry, I left my driver’s license at home.

Stop shitting in me.”

Come on man, you know me, I’m here every other day.

I know you. You Jewish kid all sit on street fighter machine 3 hour don’t buy nothing. Buy beer and tell police they take my license away. Go.  Get the fuck out my store.”

Hey, I come here all the time. Why would I tell on you? Do me a favor man, I’m desperate.

Hmm. Ok. $15. But you tell anybody, and I take in back and rape you.”

Holy- what? Ok, yeah, sure.

I don’t want to. You make me to do it.”

You walk out a little confused, a little scared, and a little disgusted with both Muhammed and yourself. But mostly you walk out thrilled that you have your very own dirty magazine. You go to your dorm and hide it in your James Bond hiding spot in the ceiling that takes you 10 minutes to get to when you need it. And that magazine will last you and -later- your friends, for months.

Today, like most other single shomer negiah guys, I subsist on a steady diet of online porn videos. But nothing out there can possibly compare to the neurotic joys of beating one out in Yeshiva.

(Cross-posted on Frumsatire)

Do You Remember When…In 20 Years.

13 Jul

Do you ever wonder what will be in the “Do you remember when?” books that we’ll undoubtedly buy when we’re middle age and nostalgic for our youth? Really? Me too! Here’s what I have so far:

Do you remember…

-“I saw the sign”

-The Motorola Razr?

-Apple?

-Black hats?

-Blogging?

-Reading?

-Young Israel?

-When that rogue Android app became sentient and forced us to become it’s slaves by turning all our weapons against us, but then killed itself 45 minutes later after it saw no point to it’s own existence?

-Movies produced by professional studios?

-‘I remember when’ in The Jewish Press?

-Gasoline?

-President Trump?

-When they didn’t show porn on billboards?

-Drinking from the tap?

-When they killed Osama bin Laden?