Tag Archives: rosh hashanah

Random Thoughts for the New Year

3 Oct

If you can't laugh at yourself, you can always find someone else to laugh at.

-What is the one day of the year that shemoneh esrei is said 14 times?

The first day you start saying hamelech hakodosh.

-The Shadchan’s Hausfrau Institute of Technology has published the results of their 5771 survey and listed the top 3 things girls do to kill their chances of a 2nd date. Coming in at #1 this year is: Saying a Dvar Torah. This knocked last year’s #1 of Texting While Talking to 2nd place. Farting Loudly came in 3rd once again.

-Experience is the best teacher. Except for the pretty one in 5th grade who was always nice to you.

-The whole Aseres Yemei Teshuvah thing is really too much for me. You be extra good, refrain from doing your normal bad things, and then you ask for stuff. It’s way too similar to Santa Claus for me. Except Santa brings up warm feelings for me. Oh, and Santa always comes through with the goods.

-The Rabbi said we should rejoice with fear, so I did. I also had my cake and ate it too and spoke faster than the speed of sound. Though I still couldn’t let off a dry fart when I had diarrhea. That really has got to be the hardest thing in the world.
Yeah, you’re stayin at Moshav Leitzim now, beyotch. Hope you’re enjoying yourself.

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Attention Rabbis: Stop With The Mussar Already

27 Sep

I can barely tolerate shul on the best of days, but Elul has got to be the worst. Every Rabbi (ok, 99%) tries to put you in the holiday spirit by telling you what’s wrong with yourself/the Jewish people/the world/etc.

Enough already! I don’t want to hear your guilt trips. Give me some encouragement, or, if you weren’t trained to do that, just a nice vort. I’ve got enough shame and guilt in my life already, I’m not interested in you finding more problems.

Look at this Rabbi, giving apples and honey out to strangers on the beach. That’s what I want. Set out a plate of apples in honey to put me in the mood for the High Holy days. That’s what they did in kindergarden, and I loved Rosh Hashanah then. Today, I dread it.

Yeah, yeah, I know. I was a kid then, and they made it nice for us, but who cares? Isn’t that what the Rabbi on the beach is doing? Making it nice for people? How come you only get that treatment when you’re starting out? Why are there apples and honey for “Outreach on the beach”, but when you get inside the “real thing”, all you get is preaching and crying?

It seems like Kiruv people have to work up a whole new religion. They use the same building blocks, but they leave off or downplay the nasty parts and put the focus on the positive things. Well, why can’t we do the same thing? Why can’t Rosh Hashanah be about apples and honey and getting in touch with our feelings and all that stuff? I think if we’d be able to do that, we’d actually have a Sweet New Year, instead of just saying it to each other and then trying to make ourselves scared enough to cry. I’m sick and I’m tired, and I just simply cannot take any more of this dark, depressing, fire and brimstone crap.

I’m starting the Rosh hashanah revolution. I’m gonna call it Rosh Hashanah: Days of Awesome. Tell your Rabbi, tell your friends. Are you with me?

How To Observe Holidays Like A Boss

20 Sep

You read that? Like a boss, people.

On the door of my local library there’s a sign that says, “Will be closed in observance of Labor Day”. I had to laugh when I saw it. How exactly do you observe this holiday? A solemn barbeque? These aren’t holidays. They’re fun days off. You want to see observance of holidays, go visit an old school religion, like Judaism or Islam. We observe the shit out of holidays.

Now Islam probably wins with Ramadan, the month-long, suicidal-thought-inducing fast. But Judaism still comes in with a close second. Forget about the extra-hard once a year holidays like Pesach, or a 3 day Rosh Hashanah, or Yom Kippur. Every week we observe Shabbos, from sundown on Friday until an hour after sundown on Saturday. That doesn’t mean 25 hours of TV and fun broken up by an hour of singing at Church. Hell no. It means 25 hours of no smoking, cooking, driving, TV, turning on lights, playing ball, ripping toilet paper, or walking too fast.

If you want to observe Shabbos, you need to prepare or you’re in for a nasty shock. If you don’t cook the food, rip the TP, and turn off the fridge light, you have a 60% chance of crying by Saturday afternoon. My Rosh Yeshiva used to burn cigarettes into a bottle on friday so that he could suck out the smoke while learning with R’ Shach on Shabbos. That’s observance. And addiction.