Tag Archives: Yeshiva

Post-Yeshiva Movie List

24 May

This crap movie has a 7.8 rating on imdb. It is still crap.

I’ve wanted to do this one for a long time, but I keep putting it off. I think I don’t have the patience to do a full list. Basically, the idea is to list movies and TV shows to catch up on when you leave Yeshiva and stop caring about keeping your neshama so spic and span. (Hey, God gave it to you for a reason. If he wanted it to stay plain white, he would have kept it upstairs. He wants you to put some color on it before he locks it up in his soul-collection box. Don’t worry, he’ll thank you.)

Anyhow, when you leave Yeshiva and have nothing to do and not enough guilt built up yet to go open a sefer, you start looking for movies and shows. Well, at least that’s what I did. The first shows I tried were ones that I’d heard of in Yeshiva but could never really see, like Friends. The problem is the further you go from 10th grade, the deeper the watchability of Friends tanks.

I started looking online, but you can’t really tell by ratings because you get a bunch of cult favorites with high marks because of groupies (this includes the Oscar winner list- a real minefield). Or trailers that are cut to make the movie seem good (The Constant Gardener, )And you, not knowing any better, end up wasting your time on crap. Precious time that could have been spent watching Donnie Brasco, or Boiler Room, or even Whats Eating Gilbert Grape.

Some things you’ve heard of but think you’ve kind of seen already and didn’t like it. That can be a mistake too, because certain movies get better as you get older (Fight Club), and others you dismissed but never really watched because you were too busy fast forwarding to the jerk off points (The Sopranos). Now that you’re able to appreciate these shows because you’re more mature, and there’s much better porn free online, you need someone to guide you through the crapfield.

Unfortunately that’s not going to be me, as I think I mentioned before. Oh, but make sure you watch Blood Diamond. And The Pursuit of Happyness. And sci-fi Will Smith is always a safe bet. And the Batmans aren’t nearly as good as people say they are. And Airplane, Animal House, Monty Python, and The Godfather are basically the only good movies from the 70’s. Here’s a decent list, but still like 35% crap. Someone else help me out here please….

Advertisements

Yeshiva Nights- female version

21 May

By: Frumgirl

 

Another shabbos stroll with this bitchy gang
Across the street you yeshiva guys hang
 
I bet we’d be friends, you’d think I was cool
But don’t tell the girls lest they think I’m a fool
 
You attempt a good shabbos as we pass and ignore
Or if feeing generous a good shabbos but not more
 
I think to myself that this can’t be right
But the girls don’t seem to mind and I’m not one to fight
 
In some parallel universe I’d be your friend
But along with these girls I have to pretend
 
Now you’re following us just a few feet behind
Following protocol, we all pretend to mind
 
“Omg they’re like obsessed, what is their deal”
But I know all you want is to talk to us for real
 
I secretly stick out my foot as if kicking you away
Knowing you’ll chop that it’s just for play
 
Mission accomplished you shout for an encore
My friends do not know of what you want more
(Of course I don’t out myself as the resident whore)
 
They don’t have to know, the secret’s for us
One day it’ll be different and we’ll talk without this fuss

 

(IMeyer: In case you don’t get the title, this was written by Frumgirl in response to my post here: http://www.unpious.com/2012/03/yeshiva-nights/)

 

You’re probably not going to like this one, but…

4 Apr

here’s a piece I wrote for unpious.com:

unpious.com/2012/03/yeshiva-nights/

The Money and the Power

20 Mar

Made you sing.

If you went to Yeshiva in the 90’s, you know the song. Probably, by way of this song. Either way, rap, or heavy metal, resonates with a lot of kids. Then those kids are thrown are thrown out of Yeshiva. Me, I was more into rebelling through humor.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but making jokes was my way of passive-aggressive resistance to the system. My father always told jokes and people liked that. And since I grew up trying to copy him, it seemed such a deviously natural way of rejecting without having to take flak over it. It would have been better if I would have faced it and gotten kicked around till I found a place where I fit in, but I’ve never had too many balls (or is it too much balls?).

I’m sure this is why Jews are funny in the first place. Jews were abused in whichever country they were in. They couldn’t rebel outright, so they harmlessly mocked it. And, like most other oppressed people, they passed on the abuse to their kids. That’s why there used to be so many Jewish comedians in America. They were first, or second, generation abused emigrants. As they went down a few generations and became more comfortable in American society, and inter-married into normal American society, the need for repression decreased. As I said a long time ago, I think you can make the same argument about religion, but I’m not going to go into that here. If you want to read it, you can see it here. (Keep in mind, I wrote it for a frum intellectual-style magazine, so it may be a little bit different than you’re used to reading on this site.)

Hmm, looks like I drifted from the title. Well…that’s really what I’m talking about here anyhow, so I’ll keep it.

I feel old and tired of all this shit.

11 Mar

I keep getting this horrible feeling. The window’s shut. It’s impossible to make real friends anymore. There’s just this barrier that I’ve put up that I can’t take down for anybody anymore. Anyone that “friends” me is really just attaching themselves to this shell. Ironically, I’m usually busy attaching myself to their shell. And slowly it settles in that most of the relationship has nothing to do with either of us, and I just get more and more uncomfortable having to keep up the shell until I retreat back into my own world.

I keep thinking of when we were kids. How, even when it sucked, there was always this sense of brotherhood. I didn’t have such a strong shell then. Real things still came out.

Now, I think of all the old places, the shabboses, the lag baomer trips, the punchball games in the park, the drug needles we used to find, the staying out till the last second of recess to run and play and hide and pretend. I think of it fondly at first, and then the memory turns so real I need to stop it before I break down and cry in the car.

It’s weird. I see a body mangled in an accident on the highway, and I don’t give the person a thought. But I think of playing on the statues in the park and I lose it.

I try to connect with old friends, but they’ve scattered all over with new responsibilities, new friends, new lives. I don’t mind. I just want to sit with them and talk about anything, or be silent, or just smile. But it never works out like that anymore…

I try to reach the old you past the superficial, big-man talk you always put up, and then someone else breaks in, and we compare dick sizes until we all have to leave and I end up with my real self trying to scream, “Wait! Wait! We haven’t even said one word to each other and I’d rather stay than do anything else in the whole world.” But I just can’t get that out. And the best I can come up with is, “We should do this again.” And, “Find me on facebook”. But I don’t want to find you on facebook with your wife and kids and your co-workers making burgers at your accounting firm barbecue. I want to see YOU again. And I want you to be there for me like you said you would when we played in the van on the way home. And no, I haven’t forgotten any of that. And I don’t forgive you. And I want you to come here, because when I call you out of the blue and say “Hey, what’s going on?”, you should know that means I need you.

If we could just be ourselves again, then maybe everything would go back to the way it was, and I wouldn’t feel so fucking old and tired of this place.

Yeshiva Home Ec

28 Feb

Some people think that Yeshiva sets you up for failure in life by not teaching you any so-called “life skills”. All you do, they say, is learn texts that have no practical application until your parents run out of money to support you, and then, at 26 years old, you have to go find a job that can support your wife and 2+ kids. These complainers also say that Rebbeim know about these problems and lie to the students who trust them the most in order to perpetuate a failing kollel system.

These people are correct, of course. However, there are certain practical things you learn in Yeshiva that are overlooked. Specifically, how to make crappy food taste good. And given the probable state of your finances for the rest of your life, these tips will really help you out down the line.

#1: Got some old hard yeshiva bread? Melt a stick of string cheese in the microwave for 8-10 seconds and pour it over the thing. It’s like eating fondue at a fraction of the cost. Plus, you get in your protein and good carbs.

#2: Don’t spend money on expensive spices. A combination of lemon juice, mayo, mustard, one kind of powder (onion, etc.), salt, barbecue sauce and hot sauce will make anything taste gourmet. 3 times leftover hard chicken? Chop it up, play around with the sauces, and you’ve got yourself something edible. Some kind of fish thing? Lemon juice and some other crap will make you think you’re eating actual fish. Middle-eastern mystery meat? Avoid that like the plague. No, seriously, that can’t be saved. Trust me,  it’ll run through your intestines like a terrorist on crack.

#3: Get to know peanut butter and jelly again. I know you’ve had some rough times with them in the past, but they’ve changed. You need to work together to survive now.

#4: You don’t need a number 4. Go back to #2 and put some more effort in.

Get creative and good luck!

I’m a Yeshiva Guy; Please Let Me Know If I’m Sexually Harassing You.

21 Jan

By: Anonymous Yeshiva Guy

I was at a coffee shop the other day, and the girl behind the counter was really cute. But I didn’t flirt with her, or ask her out; I just ogled her breasts while she made my coffee and rang up my order. I think her finger touched mine when she gave back the credit card. Either her finger or maybe it was the receipt.

Sometimes I wonder just how much of a socially awkward pervert the women I come in contact with think I am. Back when I was still trying to keep the halachos about looking at and dealing with women, this wasn’t really a problem. I would have averted my gaze, and certainly wouldn’t be trying to check out the girl at the next table while she sits there (I’ve got a really nice view right now, and if she’d just shift her legs a drop…). But now I’m looking, and don’t really know if I have the skills to do it without being a creep.

It could be I don’t really care either. I don’t care what that shiksa will think of me; I’m not going to ask her out anyway. All these women are off limits anyway, and are only good for looking at. Not that I would know what to say if I was willing to ask her out.

There’s also the issue that lack of exposure has made me a tad more sensitive to this than my classmates- although that is fading. When one classmate sat down across from me at a meet-and-greet with a V necked blouse that opened all the way to below her breasts- was I supposed to be looking anywhere else? (Rant: Then, that same classmate complained that at interviews the interviewer was checking her out. Well, what else did she expect? Is she dressing like that for any other reason? You’ll notice that mens shirts don’t show nearly as much chest- because nobody wants to see it, and nobody wants to show it.)

Really, I am not otherwise socially awkward- I just have no exposure to what is socially acceptable when dealing with girls in a sexual way. I’m always surprised by the casual comments my male friends in school will make to my female friends, about the sweater they’re wearing or that their hair looks nice today. (It IS creepy when the professor does it, right?). I’ve only complimented exactly 2 girls on their looks; after dating for a long time, and at least once only because it was what I was supposed to do. I don’t think I would be able to tell the difference between the type of compliment it would be ok to make to married woman and the type that would get you laid out by her husband. Or between flirting and a creepy advance.

I guess I should be thankful for my lack of ability; I really do want (and not want) to be frum, and there’s no telling what I’d be doing if I actually had the guts and the skill to flirt or ask a girl out. I really would like to marry a frum girl, and really do want her to be my first (and I’m sure we’ll figure it out just fine- I’m much smarter than all the teens who are figuring it out in the backseat of their car.)

So, if you ever find yourself doing business with me, or working with me, or going to school with me- try and let me know if I’m sexually harassing you. And maybe tell that girl over there I wouldn’t mind buying her coffee, and whatever else she wants to do after that.